At first I was afraid.
I was petrified.
I kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side.
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you’d done me wrong.
I grew strong.
I learned how to get along…

    14 months after ‘D’ day and I’m ever exhausted but definitely crying less and growing more into me. I am adapting to being in the workforce after 17.5 years of being a stay at home mom. At this exact moment I am lying in bed after midnight anticipating a busy Sunday. Tired just thinking about everything I’m to do tomorrow but reminding myself that it’s better than being at work all day. Trying to focus on the fact that I GET to do so many things tomorrow because it’s my day off instead of thinking of them as things I HAVE to do.
Laying here reflecting back on the month that has just been put to rest less than an hour ago. Instead of counting sheep I am counting the accomplishments that I have had so far in 2015.        They may seem like a pile of crap to many people but to me they are worth noting and I am kind of proud (without being arrogant) of the things that I have been able to accomplish post-divorce without any financial support from anyone else. I work at a blue color job long hours 24 days a month so that I can provide food & shelter for my two teenage sons and to be honest I would work Sundays too if I had to. Thank Unis that I do NOT have to!
I’m mentally ticking off my small & large accomplishments for the month of January.
1.Paid every bill on time and some of them early
2. Bought groceries every week and never ran out of shampoo, deodorant, detergent etc.
3. Finally bought windsheild wipers for my car
4. Finally got an oil change
5. Bought my extremely talented youngest son a new Fender electric acoustic guitar with a really cool case with backpack type straps.
6. Bought myself some MUCH needed tires for my car. I commute and then play mom’s taxi most days after work and my tires have been worn down to the slick
7. Paid off my car
8. Nobody that knows me would ever believe it would happen but I decided that if my oldest boy is going to be able to start college classes and start preparing for his life he’s going to need a car and besides he needs to start driving himself to church on my one day off….so I bought him a used car, and insurance and a ridiculously overpriced tag. Now he will have his operators license and my youngest is about to get his learners permit and if they are injured in a car accident it will be entirely my fault. I didn’t let them get bikes until they were about 7 and 9 and then it was against my will. I am over protective. I always planned on driving them anywhere they ever needed to go but then I became a single mom and I can’t work and drive them everywhere they need to go. It’s super scary but I have been letting him drive me (even on the interstate at night!) so he can have experience and be a safe driver.
9. Paid February rent while it was still January.
And last but certainly not least
10.Turned down FIVE propositions for illicit affairs with married men. I wasn’t even slightly tempted even though they are PERSISTANT. Seriously wth? Are men not getting any satisfaction at ALL? I don’t get why any man not on a desert island would choose an aged, exhausted, wrinkled used up old bag to desecrate their honorable vows for the first time with. I am not flirty, sexy, touchy feely etc. I am polite. Polite is not a come on goddammit. I have bags under my eyes and I wear big black chunky Dr. Scholls 12 hours a day 6 days a week.
BONUS 11:  Only had ONE delicious dream about somebody that I used to know. It was three nights ago and I only think about it about once a day…and then that’s all I do – think about it then move on.
I know that I still have plenty of growing to do and lots of work to get done. In the month of February I am going to TRY not to get depressed about turning 42. Middle-aged divorcee will not be part of my vocabulary this year. (Fingers crossed).     Just like in any long distance race I like to look at how far I have come rather than how much further I have to go. Especially nowadays since the finish line just keeps getting closer & closer lol…okay enough of that.