It is our first kiss, and we make it last…

We kiss as if we’ve done this before but it is so new and I just want more of you. I gently kiss your mouth, and breathe along your neck. My hand in your heavenly scented delicious hair as I kiss your chin and your belly and your thighs . And we talk as we do this. We get to know each other as we slowly discover each other with our bodies. We communicate with and without words. It is intoxicating to change the way your mouth is moving by moving mine against it. And I lay you down and I lay beside you and over you and we look at each other with bright excited eyes. I hold your eyes with mine as I run my finger tips up your legs because I want you to watch me touch you and I want to feel it from your point of view. I want to touch you more and deeply. I slowly start to peel away your clothing to learn more of you , and I touch your breast, which is close to your heart. And you touch and kiss me, but I do not pay attention to me, I pay attention to you. I drown in the scent and taste and feel of you.

Time happens. We happen. It is amazing and indescribable so I won’t even try. You felt it too so you know what I mean.

You decide that I will leave so we won’t get caught. I want to stay but I look forward to the drive home. It is dark out and no one can see me doing my happy dance. Your scent is all over me and the car smells like heaven. I am effervescent with joy from the best first date ever. I know how the excitement of a night like this tries to hide the fact that connecting in such an intense way from the beginning will make the pain more intense if I return for more. I decide to never see you again so this will remain perfect yet I am greedy for that bonding that always seems to be temporary. So I decide to risk it. The thought of seeing you again is intoxicating

I may seem strong—but I wanted to ask you to be careful with my heart. My heart loves too deeply when at all. Instead I said this means nothing. It’s just fun. So fun. And you agree that night and the next day.

You did not see me as a fortress even though I put up my walls to protect myself. Walls to keep me safe from getting lost in you but you didn’t see them and eventually my walls became invisible even to me and I did not protect myself and I did get lost in you. I was kinder with your heart than you were with mine. But that was okay, it was worth it just to be around your excitement for life even if you weren’t excited to be with me anymore. So I stayed long after I knew you had forgotten that first kiss.

I stayed because I remembered those first three months when we spent so many nights dripping with joy. I tried to give you time to find us again. You’d be back to me soon you kept saying and I knew it would be totally worth the wait. I knew that if I waited until your passion for life included me again everything would be happiness. Until I realized that you wouldn’t be coming back to me and in fact I saw that you knew this too and the guilt you felt over that made me call it quits. Throwing in the towel rather than contending for your heart. I didn’t want you to feel bad for not being into us anymore.