It sucks to realize that the fun always positive personality that people love isn’t your personality

and it sucks when people see your seclusion as you being a selfish bitch

in reality you’re just doing the best you can to keep getting up and going to work everyday 

sometimes everything else is too much

how can I even tell what my true personality is 

when I am constantly being pulled between 

one exhausting pole and the other exhausting pole?

I’m the little flag tied in the middle of the Tug O’ War rope 

I really just want to stay in the middle but 

sometimes I’m closer to Manic Light Laser Show 

and sometimes I’m closer to Deep Dark Tar Pit 

it seems as if I have absolutely zero control of it 

what is the suicidal equivalent of mouth watering?

escape so close I can taste it

the many methods of release playing so vividly in my mind 

like a delicious smorgasbord before a starving man

I feel like this time it is closer than it’s ever been

lately, I have even been avoiding situations that would easily facilitate the final act

but

you know the moment when you know something can’t be avoided?

like the certainty that puking is inevitable

when you wake up queasy with that pre-puke saliva

already pooling in the bottom of your mouth? 

is it  just a matter of time? 

should it not be fought? 

usually you feel better if you just go ahead and puke

you know when you have the urge to say something that you shouldn’t

it’s on the tip of your tongue 

you just have to keep saying to yourself 

“don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it”

until you get past it 

but sometimes you blurt it out anyway?

that’s where I am at

for no reason at all 

other than that’s where I am 

it’s on the tip of my tongue

I can taste it

I can feel myself opening my mouth

to say it 

but keep repeating in my head

“don’t do it don’t do it.” 

I am waiting it out

until I feel happy to be alive and excited again 

the happiness and excitement will return on their own 

for the exact reason that I am struggling with the darkness now

and it ISN’T about red or blue or the flu

last month I was thrilled at every little breeze and cloud and raindrop

now I just can’t wait to get into bed 

no reason

which is the worst! 

there is no reasoning with no reason

but I always manage to wait it out

that’s what is expected of me

so that’s what I am trying to do

again

it feels like I am breathing through a dirty pillowcase 

I don’t want to talk about it

people don’t want to hear it 

so I lie when I manage to pick up the phone

they ask how I’m doing and I’m always “GREAT!”

faking it till I’m making it is easier on the phone 

sounding okay from the depths is hard

impossible if someone is truly listening

probably because of the echoes 

trying to sound cheerful or normal while trapped

under a dark evil anvil makes me sound irritated or impatient

so avoidance really is easier on everyone 

left to my own devices and vices…

unsupervised & working it out on my own

behaving recklessly while hyper is quite different than reckless behavior when I am low  

behaving erratically with a feeling of excitement and joy is exhilarating 

behaving erratically with a sense of hopeless “fuck everything” feels angry

then sad

one is certainly more fun than the other but they are equally dangerous

jumping off of a cliff with a goofy grin on my face to prove that I can fly

versus 

driving straight into a wall with clenched teeth to prove I don’t give a fuck

come to the same conclusion

the end

                                               ~Kiddṏ