A part of it all – apart from it all.
Strolling along the border of land, sea and sky
with one bare foot on solid ground,
one foot in the water
and my head in the clouds
while watching
Shiny Happy People
holding hands
Shiny Happy People
laughing.
Or is it just an R.E.M. cycle?
You said I would be better off without you and then I cried all night
Seven years since you gave up on us and mostly I’m proving you right
Sometimes I wanna go back through our decades together
just to take back all of the times I told you that everything was going to be okay
I must’ve been the only one that believed it anyway
I want to take back the unconditional love I gave you and all of the support
I would’ve been better off keeping those things for myself since I ended up needing them
If I could go back and deserve for you to leave me then it would at least make sense
I’d take back all of the times that I said “I love you more every single day…
no matter what you do, no matter what you say.”
because then maybe it wouldn’t be true
And I wouldn’t have seven years of that love growing inside of me with no one to give it to.
~KiDDṏ
Actually if all that were possible I would just go back to 1996 and not marry you because I am NOT the type to have an ex husband. I’d prefer to be a spinster or a widow. Of course if wishes were horses then beggars would ride.
Warning: Don’t casually touch me. My flesh is thirsty
~KiDDṏ
So often I hear: “Table for one?” Because that is all they sees.
So I smile politely as I say: “Yes please.”
But really for two:
Me and the ghost of who I used to beees.
I order fake alfredo and that fake cheese.
Mixed with mushrooms, onions and those sweet peas.
Only two legged animals injured in the making of this meal.
(but not the chimpanzees)
Who would’ve thought it would take so many years to heal?
(being single like a disease.)
Whether it comes out wrong or it comes out right;
I eat it all, don’t lick the plate, I finish every bite.
Pay the bill and tip well then we drive home for the night.
Snuggle my ghost beneath the covers as I close my eyes.
Struggle with no needs of another
that’s my big prize.
“Peace”
*drops the mic
~ Kiddo
I woke before 4a.m. and tried to sink back into sweet sweet sleep but I felt lonely and untouched so eventually I gave up. Feeling a tidal pull I went outside to commune with the brilliant waxing Beaver moon.
Luna felt my longing and let me know that she empathized easily with my situation because she too is old and alone and untouched by human flesh even though she waxes every month.
“Aha, so the conspiracy theorist are correct!” I thought but she replied “No, I have had visitors in the past but those space suits do not allow for physical intimacy.”
I felt that
I was feeling better about my own situations and thanked her as usual for her lunar inspirations and I lifted my face another moment to bathe in her light.
As I turned to prepare for my day I felt her say “Don’t worry my darling this is but a phase.”
I smiled at her phase turn of phrase. If anyone should know about that it is she.
~ Kiddo 11/11/2019
I have been feeling ranty lately. I swear if you talk to me for more than 10mins on any subject I am going to go off on a related rant. Possibly even an unrelated one. I DON”T LIKE THAT. I don’t want to be a ranter. I like being the joker, the problem solver, the nurturer, the encourager. I am the one that points out the POSITIVE!! I am about to go off on a rant about what’s wrong with ME! no, I will spare you. I have just been feeling frustrated and tired from trying to figure everything out on my own for lo, these many years and my list of things that need replacing in my household or on my car keeps getting longer. I even need a few things fixed on my body!! I guess ranting is more acceptable than weeping these days. I’m a natural frustrated weeper but that is more annoying to others than ranting. I am trying to catch myself pre-rant. Do yourself a favor and just don’t get me started.
Good talk ~Kiddo
If I honestly believed that one day I would meet someone that I could honestly believe in then I would save myself. I wouldn’t be buzzing around like the only bee around to fertilize the entire field of wild flowers. I would let the wind pollinate the field so that when I finally met the flower that accepted me the way that I accept all of the plants in the meadow it would be more amazing than anything has ever been. I would spend this time preserving myself for the future that I had faith in.
If I thought it was possible to somehow interact from the very 1st meeting without any of my defense mechanisms automatically popping up it might make it easier to accept that I could be known and believed in and accepted forever. But I would have to be asleep or in a coma and I couldn’t even introduce myself.
Since I don’t believe that there is anyone out there that would cherish the comatose me I will continue to connect in the only way that I’m not concerned about rejection. Even if it doesn’t fill me with joy it distracts me from my loss of faith for a fairy tale happy ending.
I’ll just have to live with physical “happy endings” and hope that I don’t meet that unimaginably amazing person after I’m all used up and have a busted ass liver. The person that is too good to be true would love me anyway, no matter what and then I would feel just awful for ruining myself before they could know me. Welcome to Conundrum City. ~ Kiddo 9-15-2013
Need an interesting hobby that will not only exercise your body but also your mind? Not everyone is familiar with Geocaching but it’s a real-world, outdoor treasure hunting game using GPS-enabled devices. Participants navigate to a specific set of GPS coordinates and then attempt to find the geocache (container) hidden at that location. Participants come up with a cool or clever profile name and register at https://www.geocaching.com then begin their hide and seek adventures. Our FLorida4ce started out Geocaching in October 2005 because my parents got us into it. I homeschooled our kids and felt like this was an excellent way to learn so many things about problem solving, navigation, teamwork, determination and disappointment as well as learning about nature and enjoying all that the outdoors gives us. Our team was my husband, myself and our two sons, hence the “4 ” in FLorida4ce. We really had a LOT of fun especially in 2009 when we all had a lot of time to find caches as a family.
After all of the construction stopped in our area my husband had to switch careers and out of necessity changed from running a land survey crew to being an over the road truck driver. With my husband out of town a lot we didn’t get to cache much because we wanted to stay a team. Eventually we stopped caching at all. In 2013 my husband left us without much of a warning and as you can imagine that was a huge disruption in our lives. I went from being a stay at home mom to working 3rd shift in an industrial laundry and teaching yoga and fitness classes mornings and evenings in a few local gyms and studios. I didn’t have much free time. Anytime we would think about Geocaching we just didn’t do it because I was either too tired or didn’t have time to sync the cache locations from the website to our GPS. We were also reminded of all the good times we had as a four person team. Even our caching handle reminded us that someone was missing.
Currently I am gone for work about 60 hours a week and do not have a lot of time for family or anything else. My sons are now 18 and 21 and I try to come up with activities to do together since we’re all busy a lot. For two years I’ve gotten us annual passes to Universal and that’s a blast but I also wanted to have a less expensive activity that we could do without having to drive for hours. We just recently got back into Geocaching and it is so much easier now because of smart phones and the app to follow instead of loading a few caches into a GPS from the desktop computer. Now there is no need to go back to the computer to log our finds either. Everything can be done on the go.
In the past several weeks we decided to take the leap from just finding to HIDING! We have gotten great responses from the people that are finding our caches. We try to make caches that we would’ve loved to come across when the kids were younger. We try to make sure the hides are in places with terrific views in areas that have parks or picnic areas so that other cachers can not only find a cache but also a new place to enjoy even when they’re not on the hunt! WE LOVE the logs that other participants post when they find our caches and really love the photos that they are sharing!
I am having a good time Geocaching even with all of the changes in my personal life. We don’t have our original team anymore and my older son hasn’t gone out with us yet since we got back into it but he is still part of the team as a consultant until he gets time to join in. My younger son often goes along with me and usually my girlfriend and her super sweet dog Lady comes along with us too. Even if I go it alone I have a feeling that this hobby is going to be part of what keeps me active as I deal with this aging broken body. I adore weather and the sky and scenery and geocaching takes me right out into it.
Check it out, you don’t have to become a part of the geocaching community but if you choose to you can communicate with other cachers on the site and nowadays they even have geocaching events and gatherings. We haven’t gone to any of the events but we’re thinking about it – HAPPY GEOCACHING!!
Boardwalk where one of our caches is hidden
Jetty nearby one of our caches
View from one of our caches
The treasure map I created for participants to follow
Someone asked me at work last night or the night before if I ever get tired….and I answered “I’m tired nearly every single day and I’m frequently on the edge of exhauation. I work 9 to 11 hour days and drive an hour to work and an hour back if traffic doesn’t stop on the interstate.. MOST of the time you see me I’m tirrrrred….now ask me how often I quit…I don’t. I get shit done.” Illegitimi non carborundum
One of the biggest things I miss about being in a relationship is making love. I still get to have as much sex as the average Jo but it lacks the connection one gets with someone they’re in a relationship with. The sex is great and I wouldn’t want to live without it but it’s definitely lacking some intimacy. I also miss giving and receiving massages and making a special dinner for a special someone. BUT today I put fresh linens on my king size bed (is it king sized or king size? Does it matter? Is it meant to be hyphenated?) and now I am soaking in a hot bath and using Nivea’s in shower lotion to shave and moisturize. Sliding between clean sheets with ultra smooth skin tonight will be DELICIOUS! Not as delicious as making love and not quite as nice as really good sex but definitely a close third. Tonight it’s all I’ve got so I’m going to make the most of it.
Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of my divorce. Such a nice Thanksgiving family memory. Today, Black Friday, is the anniversary of me first hooking up with my ex-girlfriend. It’s the season of my poor choices. What a great reminder to make better decisions or just skip the relationships all together for awhile and enjoy being alone for the holidays. Life may be more lonely alone but the logistics are certainly less complicated.
Still, I’ve gotta squeeze in more cardio because my goal for 2016 is to find an amazing girlfriend with perfect tits and the libido of a 35 to 42 yr old woman. I’m gonna need to shed fifteen pounds to attract anyone at all and I must keep my endurance up so that I can keep her satisfied once I’ve found her.
Another option which allows me to thoroughly enjoy one of my other appetites is to just say forget the human relationships and really commit to my food fetish. It’s definitely the season to indulge in delicious food and drink but ARRRGH I’m trying to work on making better choices! If only I could see the future and know which decision would be the most fulfilling. With that I’m going for my run while I mull it over. Maybe Unis will send me a sign….or a hottie.
The night following a very rare night that I didn’t sleep alone my big ol’ bed seems so empty. Not in a good way or in a bad way just very empty. I really notice the emptiness but I thought about it tonight differently. I am 42 years of age. I was with the same man for only 20 years of it. I have slept more nights in bed alone than not alone so I should view that as the norm. I can stretch out naked spread-eagled across the bed with no one to enjoy the view and feel entirely free
I really want someone to know me completely and yet love me so wholeheartedly that even though they don’t love every little thing about me they still choose me over and over again.
I wish all of you self-proclaimed gurus would make up your minds. Should I get back out there or enjoy some “me time”? You know what I like during my “me time”? Head. Lots of it. Riddle me that Batman.
Some people blame the rain that was fallin fallin, some people blame the moon or the night, while some blame it all on their roots. I blame the free sample stations at club warehouse stores for my dating style. So many different flavors to be enjoyed in adorable little sample sizes. Similar to online dating some sample carts even have 2 products to try – one to eat and one to drink. Also like with dating there are more free samples available on the weekend. I’m known for buying everything that I sample at Sam’s Club but I’m trying to NOT carry that habit into my personal life. It’s hard because when I like something I want to take it back to my place. The struggle is real.
I’m sooo good when I’m good and soooo bad when I’m bad. I was good for two decades. Then the shit hit the fan and I went off track. Now I’m the engineer of Kiddo’s Wild Ride with no direction and no apparent destination ~ Kiddo’s Exhausted Korner
I love the sound of the rain outside my window. It’s soothing music to sleep to even though tonight it makes my aloneness under the covers more real. There’s something about listening to the rain with someone that makes it sound different than when listening alone. It’s beautiful either way.
All of my dreams last night featured exes and spiders….I don’t know which is worse. The spiders were HUGE! I’m talkin a few realllly big house spiders and wolf spiders as big as my hand hiding in a cabinet or whatever which startled me BUT ALSO spiders as big as medium sized dogs that were so thick and long leggedly quick that none of my exes could kill them. One particularly terrifying spider came from the ground. I heard a sound and I looked, and behold a pale arachnid : and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. Different exes in different dreams…different coloured of each sized spider for different exes and none of my exes could kill ANY of the spiders! …At one point I had to climb up a rungless ladder in my half swamped RV to try and retrieve my tepid old Coke that had been open for days in a cabinet above the apparently 12ft tall fridge. I swung from the swampy water kicking off with my feet and grasped with finger tips the edges of the rung holders then remembering how Stallone had to grab above his head while dangling in Cliffhanger I used my fingertips and toes to boost upward as hard as I could wrapping my toes onto the edge of the ladder frame and holding on with one arm I opened the left cabinet and inside were some VERY angry wasped that were pissed with all of my banging so I BANGED that door closed and almost fell into the murky water below. Realizing that I had opened the wrong door I opened the right door….just as I remembered that I had finished that Coke yesterday!! Out of the cabinet rushed a giant wolf spider bigger than my face!! And terror insued….I won’t even mention the hard shiny purple spider….but at the end of all of these dreams I felt very very lonely as a double couple hugged goodbye on a dock and better halves sailed away at sunset and all of my spiders and exes had disappeared and I thought “I’m sending out signals but the TV is turned off” immediately I woke up and still mostly asleep thought “Rob’s just not pickin up what I’m puttin down” then suddenly remembered that I’m not with him anymore! Lol….I haven’t awakened to remember that in over a year and this was the 1st time it made me laugh out loud!! Now I’m laying here writing in my dream journal (which you are reading) and going over all of the obvious symbolism in my head but I won’t put you through all of that!
seeking solace in the horizon of life and beyond
Updates on current Projects at the Siena Art Institute in Siena, Italy. For more info visit our website www.sienaart.org
Poetry and words
Doing What Makes My Soul Shine
writing is sorrow; having had written is sublime
in search of a better us
Fighting Depression, Anxiety, and Self-Harm
Subtitles: Kiddo's Korner, Spinach in Your Mamma's Smile, Mutterings of a Mad Woman, Don't Mention It, Never Argue with an Idiot , Lord Beer Me Strength, Random Thoughts, You Don't Have To Thank Me (It's What I Do) and UNNECESSARY CAPITALIZATION.
MY TAKE ON LIFE.
Mind • Body • Life
A collection of nonsensical words thrown together
adventures of sadie and momma
A "How to Thrive" Guide After Divorce
A Hopefully Formerly Depressed Human Vows To Practice Self-Approval
Not That Anyone Asked Me... 