Yesterday, I had to tell my ex that I would’ve stayed with him forever but that he’s the only one I’ve ever been with that I would never be with again. If the man that I dated for 3 months 23yrs ago wanted another shot I would give it to him and if either of the ladies that lost interest in me in the last 2 years were interested again I would see what they had to offer. He has earned the distinct honor of “Never Again No Matter What” …I feel even sadder for him than I do for me
divorce
Kiddo Uncompromised
“When the moisture on my face is a mixture of sweat, raindrops from the literal storm that I am running through, tears of pain and doubt that I refuse to hold back and tears of pure joy at the beauty of my life that’s when I know that I have lived. I am in this moment truly ALIVE!”
~ Kiddo (6-10-15)
I have been a runner my entire life. I have been running since before running was “cool”. In the 70’s I didn’t need a cool head band, sneakers and jogging shorts. All I needed was my barefeet and ground to cover. I didn’t wear hairbands and ponytail holders because I had a sensitive scalp and was prone to headaches so I tended to run against the wind when I could. The wind not only kept my straggly hair out of my face allowing me to see where I was going but it also made me earn every inch of ground that I crossed. Sometimes I would run against wind so STRONG that it seemed like I was running in place. To me this was a good time. I never looked for the path of least resistance and I felt like the more challenging something was to do the more it was worth doing. I didn’t run for financial gain or for health or for the recognition of others. I RAN FOR THE PURE JOY OF IT.
In the 80’s I was encouraged to join the track team at school and since I loved running and jumping I did. I was one of the best on the team and my biggest problem (as well as my coach’s ) was that I could only participate in three events per track meet. I ran the mile run every single meet but I also ran the mile relay (as the anchor or catch up runner) and did the long jump and the high jump depending on where I was needed most for a particular event. One thing that allowed me to really shine was when the runners would have to run against the wind. Most of the runners in Jr high and high school hated running against the wind and were very discouraged by it. Not me. I would tuck my chin, fold my lips in to keep them from drying out and slow my breath to avoid flaring my nostrils. My hair would fly out behind me and I would be a kid again running for the pure joy of it like my Creek ancestors did generations ago.
Even as someone that truly loves running there would be times as a teenager that I would want to quit. Training to run sometimes took some of the fun out it. Occasionally, I would rather be doing something other than running and I would MAKE myself run at least 5 miles. When my dad got in on my training and would have me drink 5 raw eggs before running 5 miles every morning no matter what the weather I started to lose my joy. I truly hated running in the cold. When I found myself focusing on how far I would still have to go I would make myself stop thinking like that. I trained myself to look back on how far I had gone. The truth is that just running ONE mile was an accomplishment. There was no failure. At first I would have to make myself flip my perspective from one of dreading the distance yet to go to appreciating how far I had gone. The higher the number of laps or miles I had ran grew the more I would feel like I could quit at anytime and still have won. Even giving myself permission to quit I wouldn’t quit because the pressure was off and it was basically a game to see how far I could push myself.
Once again I have found myself in the position of being a single unemployed mother and I can’t help but feel the importance of the decisions I make in the near future. There’s WEIGHT to my choices simply because I am not the only one effected by them. Weight isn’t necessarily a bad thing though. It makes us see what we consider important. It makes us stop and truly think about our decisions. In fact, I have a few weights that I have been carrying around for the majority of my life that I hope to never lose. When I was seven years old running barefooted through a field near my home I was stopped short by something that looked like an egg. It was a blur beneath my feet as I zoomed past it but I came to a screeching halt and walked back about 10 yards to see this bird egg. When I got back to it I discovered that it wasn’t an egg at all. I had found a perfectly smooth, cool to the touch even in the mid-day sun, stone! I started calling it my pet rock because pet rocks had been really cool about 5 years before and this was the coolest natural rock I had ever seen. I had seen plenty of perfectly smooth rocks in rivers in the Carolinas and Tennessee but this was in the middle of a dry field in central Florida and nearly perfectly round. I thought it was amazing and I have carried that rock with me for about 35 years. In 1992 when I was 19yrs old I discovered another weight that I loved so much I had to have it. This discovery was a paper weight I unpacked at Cracker Barrel while I was stocking the gift shop with new items. It was just a glob of glass, with different coloured glass inside to look like two dolphins swimming in the ocean. I loved it and bought it with my employee discount. That was 23 years ago. I have kept both of my weights with me through thick and thin. Even when I didn’t have a place of my own and I was backpacking through the southeastern states I kept these two weights. I never even used them to hold down papers. I kept these items with me because they were beautiful to look at and felt great in my hands. One seemed to be shaped and smoothed by nature and the other was intentionally crafted my a human. Both of these weights were shaped by outside forces exerted on them but both of them were beautiful as a result and their form was even more impressive to me than their function. Everytime I had to sort through my belongings and choose necessities I kept both of these weights. I kept them through spring cleanings and chaff clearings and they have been with me for the good and the not so good. I’ve kept these weights through my ups and downs because I value what we’ve been through together and they’re lovely to behold.
This afternoon I went for my run and I have so much energy since I haven’t worked in four days. I’m like a cross between Sarah Connor and those treadmill dancers and I just enjoy myself as I cruise on down the road. I had a great playlist of songs that I totally enjoyed running to. The songs gave me an opportunity to change my pace and move to different rhythms. The wind was in my face and it started to rain and I was completely ALIVE.
I am NOT scared of the future. I know that even if I don’t find a job in time to keep our apartment that my heart will keep on beating and I will still live, laugh and love beneath the sun and the clouds and the beauty of the night sky. Life is about ups and downs and round and rounds. I truly love roller coasters and I will make the best of the ride.
When I think about the uncertainty of the future I remind myself that no one’s future is certain. Even people who think that their path is set and that they know where they’re going they are not CERTAIN of how things will turn out. If you’re under the illusion that your future is set I hope that you’re not proven wrong. I hope that you’re not caught off guard. If your life goes exactly according to plan then I am HAPPY for you. I also will feel a little bit sorry for you because you won’t know how you can roll with the changes. You won’t find out about your ability to go with the flow and learn to compromise without compromising your true self. I lost my job four days ago for being true to myself and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Life is beautiful even as it’s uncertain and I am happy with that. I look back on my life and see that I might’ve made different choices in retrospect but we don’t have the ability to go back and make changes. Even though there are a few things I would do differently if given the option to go back I am glad that I can’t. Every choice and every consequence that I lived through has shaped me and strengthened me to be what I am today. Every worry I have ever had has been pointless unless I see it as a learning experience. I worried about things that weren’t necessary because things work out one way or another and often times things that I worried about never came true. These things still teach me about the things that are important to me and give me an appreciation for how things turn out. When I had just given birth to my first child I was genuinely concerned that his tiny mouth couldn’t possibly latch onto my giant nipple but the nurse assured me that this wouldn’t be a problem. She had experience and she turned out to be right. Now that little baby is making his way through the world and driving himself around in his own car going about his business never knowing that at one time I was worried that he might not be able to nurse.
Life works out and life is beautiful. It’s all about the journey because the destination is the end of life and we will all get there eventually. If it were possible to stand before my ancestors and my posterity I would proudly say that I lived my life true to me. I’m a hedonist and enjoy life fully but I have made a positive difference in the lives that I have touched. I have made the world a better place and I have cooperated along the way but I never compromised. I have run with the wind at my back but I was truly alive when I ran against the wind with my straggly hair flying out behind me earning every inch of ground that I covered.
Hopefully I will find a good job soon that both pays the bills and allows me to be a service to others without being a disservice to myself. Until that time I will do my best to make it happen but I will not worry about the future. The future is uncertain but it will happen no matter what.
The 2 weights that I choose to carryThe 2 weights that I choose to carry
My playlist for my run tonight My playlist for my run tonight My playlist for my run tonight
Unis Up to Her Tricks or Treats
Sometimes I wonder if Unis is fuckin’ with me or just trying to reward me for my patience. Possibly she just REALLY wants me to think hard about my choices. I have a problem knowing if I’m making the right choice when it comes to ordering off of a menu. So when there are PROS and CONS in a decision that effects me and also effects my children’s lives plus there’s an issue of conscience you can see why I might feel a burden making either decision. Determining which one is right and which one is smart can be a struggle. Especially, when they both seem right in different ways.
For her first trick today I finally got the business cards that the company I work for had made for me. I am listed as a Service Consultant. Then not even two hours later Unis had a follow up trick or possibly treat. I got an offer to manage a shop Monday through Friday 9 to 5 for over 13k more a year than I am making at my current job. My current position requires me to work 7:30am until 5pm Monday through Saturday. EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY. I do get two Thursdays off a month but still. I have been with this company only nine months. Other than being a yoga/fitness instructor for seven years this is the longest I have been at a job since I had to rejoin the workforce almost two years ago. Not that I am unreliable or a flake but when put in a situation in which I was suddenly a stay at home mom I took the first job that I could find that allowed me to continue teaching most of my yoga/fitness classes mornings and evenings. I was working graveyard shift doing very physical grueling manual labor in an industrial laundry and I did that for seven months. I had earned the unofficial title of “Longest Lasting White Girl” after two weeks. That job was extreme even for a very physically and mentally strong person such as myself. I stuck with it until I was offered another job. I felt awful when I scheduled a meeting during the day to speak with the manger and Personnel Dept. I was supposed to be sleeping since I worked all night but the office was closed at night and I felt as a responsible adult that I needed to give two weeks notice and explain my reason for leaving. I thanked the manager for choosing me for the job seven months before and saving me and my children from homelessness. I was truly grateful and I offered to continue to work nights for the first two weeks of my new job. The manager thanked me kindly but said “as you know people quit this job every single day. They leave after working just two hours or just never show back up after their second day or a week or whatever their breaking point is. You have been a very reliable employee for seven months and I wish you luck with your new job but there’s no need to work two jobs for two weeks. Thanks for your service” So I moved on to my second full time job as a single mom.
There’s always issues for me leaving anything that I have commited to even when it’s the smarter choice. I felt bad about leaving the laundry hanging (wink wink) but the new job was offering me a position running an office at a small business for twice what I was making at the laundry and for daytime hours. Monday through Friday 9 to 6 and every other Saturday meant that I would have to QUIT teaching my morning yoga classes 😦 but that I could still teach my evening classes if I rushed straight from work. Turned out I was late to class sometimes twice a week which bothered me more than I could stand. I stayed with that job for only three months because the office I was running turned out to be crooked and I had a problem with forging documents and lying to state government officials. Even working at the all night laundry was preferable to working days in a prison laundry so I didn’t feel bad about leaving my position without notice. The business was audited and cited for multiple violations months after I got the hell out so I felt that my move was definitely the right choice. Also I was able to I earn a salary that is over 15k more a year than that crooked job and I get $200 a month for fuel allowance since I work forty miles from home. Not a bad move up for a single mom that had been out of the workforce for almost eighteen years. The biggest problem with switching from that job to my current position is that the hours are so long. I am gone twelve hours a day and had to quit teaching yoga entirely. I could occasionally teach a Spin class but have recently broken it off with my girlfriend and I was teaching at her facility so there goes that. I loved teaching all of my classes but that’s life I guess. With such little time for my mom duties and practically no time for my self. I do what I need to do but am exhausted and I’m still struggling financially. When I get paid I pay the bills, buy groceries and gas and then I am out of money. A couple times a month something bounces through my bank account like the dot on a sing along song video. More money and more family time plus free time should make decision a no-brainer right? Not for me.
Considerations that would keep me from accepting the new position:
1.) How much training would I recieve before being expected to manage a shop? I am a quick learner but I need to find out the duties and expectations of this proferred position before I commit to doing them. If I get in over my head I may cost the company AND/OR end up out of a job completely. Switching jobs is a gamble.
2.) The company I already committed to has been good to me financially and they’ve done for me what they said they would do when I convinced them that I would be reliable and trustworthy.
3. The company I currently work for went to the trouble of ordering and paying for business cards with my name on them.
4. The company I work for JUST gave me my paid vacation two months before it was due for a non work related conference. I literally just returned to work the day before yesterday.
Now all of the reasons to take the new job:
1.) The great hours
2.) The great salary
3.) No more dealing with the unbelievable ASSHAT service manager at work that yells and screams profanity at me and comments to the other employees in this mostly male work environment about my female private parts in vulgar ways. I have hated few people in my life but I have hated him. Now I see him as a big, loud, pot bellied grumpy toddler but he makes days at work just beyond ridiculous and sometimes I hate him still. He messes with my positive energy because HATE is not something I want to spend my energy on. For months I would actually DREAD going to work and not because of the long drive or the long hours. I would dread having to deal with that douche ass manager. Days when he isn’t here run just as smooth as silk. The only reason I stay is because I can afford to be jobless for one day. If I wasn’t a mother I would have left the first day. Or gone to prison for extreme murder. Seriously.
I am going to the interview on Thursday to see if I think I can handle the new responsibilities. Thanks Unis for giving me more big decisions to make on my own 🙂
Unis put me in timeout
When my sons were young I never put them in timeout as punishment. I put them in timeout so that they could gather their composure and reclaim their self control. Timeout is a perfect opportunity to assess your situation and realize that it feels better to behave and stay composed and react appropriately to whatever got you upset or in trouble in the 1st place. When I used timeout with my children I never gave them a time limit. I would instruct them to go into their room and come out again whenever they could compose themselves and interact with others without being disruptive. They could rejoin the household whenever they could enjoy it but until then they could stay in their room and cry or shout or vent in whatever way they needed to. If we were at a park or a zoo I would send them to sit at a picnic table or a bench until they could realize that being unpleasant and unhappy was really a waste of a beautiful day. Sometimes my boys would be in timeout for less than a minute and sometimes half an hour but they almost always were happier when they rejoined us. Occasionally, they would come out too soon and have to go back into timeout but for the most part they used the time well and it was a useful tool. A few times over the years I had to put myself in timeout and the boys understood that I just needed some time in my room to compose myself and prepare to react to things appropriately.
I just realized today while soaking in my hot sudsy bath that no one ever interrupts my bath anymore. I don’t get knocks on the door, or texts or phone calls. I could sit in the tub for hours and no one would try to find me. No one would even notice that my skin was all pruney afterward. I started to think about how disconnected my life is from everyone else these days and thought that maybe Unis has put me in timeout. It’s been over two years since anyone has asked me how my day went or inquired about what I had for lunch. We all know that even when people ask these questions they’re usually just making conversation and don’t honestly care about how your day was. They do, however, care enough about you to seem interested and enough to make conversation with you. I used to complain when people invited themselves over and also when they invited me over. I just didn’t have time to do everything I needed to do and then do things that other people wanted me to do. I’m a ‘yes’ person so I almost always did whatever people asked me to do wether it was coming over for dinner or helping them paint their house. To me they were about the same and really only inconvenient because they had to be squeezed into my schedule. I always had phone calls to try to return and text messages to answer and dozens of voice mails I needed to at least erase if I wasn’t going to listen to them.
Now I have no interruptions. Not only does no one ask about my day but no one really interacts with me at all. The people I see the most are people at work that aren’t in my life except at work. The people that used to send me funny texts or call to make plans or update me on their daily lives aren’t part of my life at all since I started working full time. Not one single person cares about my weight, not one single person notices if I get enough sleep or enough to eat. Not one single person listens to me talk or tells me about anything that is happening with them. I am on my own. Every decision is mine and every burden is mine. I’m like a social hermit. I don’t even have small talk to pass the time. Not only does no one care how my life is going but not one single person notices.
Unis has put me in timeout and I suppose it’s up to me to come out and interact with people when I can do so happily and without disrupting others. I do see that it was a nice ‘problem’ to have to try and fit all of the people in my life into my schedule but I am also trying to enjoy this time to check in and get in touch with the real me.
Where am I going from here and how long will I take to figure out when to interact again? I don’t know. I feel lonely and uncared for a lot but there’s really nothing wrong with that. It’s a natural human response. I’ve always been happy on my own reading or watching clouds or simply observing the world and that’s still true. It’s just that before it was my choice and now it’s that my life isn’t connected with anyone else’s life except peripherally. I’m staying in timeout until I know what I want to do. That may take awhile but I’m willing to use this time away as long as it takes.
Right now I am like the 5 year old that goes off and pouts and pouts and realizes no one is going to come and talk them out of their self-imposed pouting corner and then realizes that no one has even noticed that they’re gone.
A new bed
The last couple of days I have really been wanting a new bed. Two summers ago when my husband left all I wanted to do was burn the bed that we shared. The last 2 years I had to survive and provide for my children so I had to either sleep on the floor or keep sleeping in the bed that I hated. I got used to sleeping in that bed even though I didn’t rest easy on it and the fabric was soaked through with bitter tears. I kept hoping to wake from bad dreams but kept waking to them every morning in that king sized desolation. The last couple of days I’ve started obsessing about it again. I want a bed that he hasn’t shared. I haven’t had a bed that he hasn’t been in for 23 yrs. That’s over half of my life. I want a new bed. I want a king sized virgin bed.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E…
If you want to read the short version:
I was alive. I got married. I was left. I died. I was reborn. I live.
If you actually want to read the long version:
The End
The day that I would’ve bet my life would never arrive came anyway. I guess in a way I did bet my life. That impossible day was the legal end of what I believed with my whole heart was the greatest love story ever lived. Turned out the story was a tragedy. I lost my husband and ‘best friend forever’ simultaneously.
I’m sure there were a few people who were relieved that the day was finally upon us so that I would quit harping on it (ironic since I was once again to be a Harper but I’m sure I will find another subject to harp on) and we could all just get on with our lives and enjoy the holidays. I am not a drama queen and actually didn’t go on and on about my personal problems but I know the tension others feel when faced with any friends life upheaval.
The morning of the hearing a Tammy Wynette song kept playing in my head (I’m sure I don’t have to spell it out for you ;} ) Another song, Will You Marry Me? by Jason Derulo, came on while I was driving home from work but I didn’t change the radio because I was already crying. I started crying at work at least 4 times that night as I plodded my way through third shift. Anyone staying at the Marriott or Oceana Palms in the next few days would definitely have my tears on their towels and washcloths. I tried to keep the snot off the linens but I can’t make any promises. I’m sure the Spanish speaking ladies were thinking “man those blue and white towels really get to Chetty”
When my sons first offered to go with me to the courthouse I was against it and told them that they probably didn’t really want to. I told them “Mamma is gonna be a MESS”, but now I’m glad they insisted that they wanted to be there to support me. I’m truly blessed. They decided to dress in black/dark colors because they wanted to dress as if they were attending a funeral. It’s a momentous day in their lives too. I adore my children.
The man-child that left me asked if he could come get dressed at my house to go divorce me. I declined his request and told him to get dressed at one of his girlfriend’s houses or one of his new friends that he said would do anything for him. I figured he would also want to ride with me to the courthouse but I’m not driving anyone to divorce me. Today is hard enough already. When he first left me I cried for weeks then thought I was over it until six weeks later when I started filling out the paperwork and I was crying on the legal documents. Two months after he left me I filed the divorce papers at the courthouse and that really tore me apart. I thought I was over it again but the final hearing took me right back into shock and full on broken-heartedness. I’m sure our wedding anniversary will also be hard for me.
Life as a single woman/mother at 40 had challenges that I thought I would never face but I knew that I have always been good at challenges. I did my own paperwork and filing so I was a little nervous that at the hearing some technicality would arise and keep the divorce from becoming final. I honestly couldn’t wait for it to be over.
Days before our divorce court date the boys told me that after the proceedings they wanted the three of us to go have lunch and do something fun together. I couldn’t tell them no even though I really needed sleep to get me thru the next two days of my busy schedule working the graveyard shift at an industrial laundry and teaching yoga and group fitness classes in the mornings and evenings. I got off from work about 6:00a.m. and went home and showered and dressed for court. The boys and I drove to the courthouse without much conversation. I told them again that they did not need to go in and watch their parents get divorced but they insisted that they wanted to sit next to me until my case was called and then walk out with me afterward.
We survived. I stood in front of the judge and cried as I answered the questions but that’s appropriate I guess because almost 18 years before I stood in front of a judge and cried as I answered those questions too. Different questions and different tears and nobody smiling at how adorable my tears were. I must say that the judge was very kind as I tried to answer the questions with tears streaming down my face. He asked the bailiff to get me a tissue but there were none. I was handed a brown scratchy paper towel like from elementary school. The bailiff apologized and said no one usually needs a tissue anymore. How sad is that?
I’m so happy my kids were there to hold me. I’m a very fortunate person to have so many beautiful people in my life. I couldn’t have asked for a better divorce day and I have many people to thank for that. I loved and appreciated everyone’s support, positive energy and prayers. I loved that there was beauty to be found amidst despair. I was thankful that I would get to have the holidays and start the new year with all of this behind me. I’m thankful for my sons for showing more strength and character than I could imagine. My sons amaze me daily.
I’m thankful that I had a lot of people supporting me and I appreciated it at the time more than words can say (and I’ve proven words can say a LOT! :] ) I let all of my friends and acquaintances on social media know that “D Day” had arrived and posted “If you’re so inclined send vibes/prayers of strength for me today. The hearing is at 2:15.”
Isn’t it amazing how social media has just become a part of our lives? We use social media for more than funny photos and sharing other people’s posts. We use it for more than selfies and posting photos of our meals. I was so thankful that I could keep everyone informed with posts rather than having to speak to everyone on the phone. I did talk on the phone to a few of my really close friends and family members but a lot of crying was involved so the internet was just easier for everyone. Throughout my entire ordeal I was able to keep everyone updated and even read public replies in privacy and feel connected and bolstered throughout every stage of my new comdramedy life. Even as I was shattered beyond repair I was held loosely together by the positive comments and energy that people were sharing with me. I know I am not the only person to have ever been left. Divorce is nothing new. I had been hurt before and I am sure that I will be again but at the end of a twenty one year relationship it felt like no one had ever been hurt as deeply as me. I know as a mother that there are worse things than being left by a spouse and if given a choice between other tragedies and this I would gladly choose this one again. Even a year later the pain of being abandoned by the one person that I stuck by through the wonderful beautiful days and the horrible awful times is present daily. I’m sure the pain will always be there but I haven’t fallen to the ground sobbing too hard to hold myself up in over a year. The pain is no longer so big that it’s literally suffocating. There were many many days that I felt I would never make it. I didn’t make a scene or cry out for help. I knew my friends were there if I needed to talk or cry but I chose not to burden them further. They had already helped me through all of my darkest days and that strengthened me through-out the months of finding my way. I didn’t have time to wallow. For the first time in almost two decades I needed a job. I needed to support myself and my sons. My sons are the reason I get up every single day and take care of business. I allowed myself time to fall apart between working, teaching and being a mother. I wailed and bawled but never let it interfere with my responsibilities.
I survived. I surmounted. I fell completely apart several times but I had people around me to help me to pick myself back up. There’s a very distinct difference between picking someone up and giving them the support needed to pick themselves up. It’s been a year since the divorce and eighteen months since the love of my life walked out on me. I am light and love and pure joy. The true me is thrilled with the beauty of life. I’m in a groove and I don’t mean the rut kinda groove. I’m moving forward. I’ve got this.
The Beginning…..
I’m just sayin…
At first I was afraid.
I was petrified.
I kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side.
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you’d done me wrong.
I grew strong.
I learned how to get along…
14 months after ‘D’ day and I’m ever exhausted but definitely crying less and growing more into me. I am adapting to being in the workforce after 17.5 years of being a stay at home mom. At this exact moment I am lying in bed after midnight anticipating a busy Sunday. Tired just thinking about everything I’m to do tomorrow but reminding myself that it’s better than being at work all day. Trying to focus on the fact that I GET to do so many things tomorrow because it’s my day off instead of thinking of them as things I HAVE to do.
Laying here reflecting back on the month that has just been put to rest less than an hour ago. Instead of counting sheep I am counting the accomplishments that I have had so far in 2015. They may seem like a pile of crap to many people but to me they are worth noting and I am kind of proud (without being arrogant) of the things that I have been able to accomplish post-divorce without any financial support from anyone else. I work at a blue color job long hours 24 days a month so that I can provide food & shelter for my two teenage sons and to be honest I would work Sundays too if I had to. Thank Unis that I do NOT have to!
I’m mentally ticking off my small & large accomplishments for the month of January.
1.Paid every bill on time and some of them early
2. Bought groceries every week and never ran out of shampoo, deodorant, detergent etc.
3. Finally bought windsheild wipers for my car
4. Finally got an oil change
5. Bought my extremely talented youngest son a new Fender electric acoustic guitar with a really cool case with backpack type straps.
6. Bought myself some MUCH needed tires for my car. I commute and then play mom’s taxi most days after work and my tires have been worn down to the slick
7. Paid off my car
8. Nobody that knows me would ever believe it would happen but I decided that if my oldest boy is going to be able to start college classes and start preparing for his life he’s going to need a car and besides he needs to start driving himself to church on my one day off….so I bought him a used car, and insurance and a ridiculously overpriced tag. Now he will have his operators license and my youngest is about to get his learners permit and if they are injured in a car accident it will be entirely my fault. I didn’t let them get bikes until they were about 7 and 9 and then it was against my will. I am over protective. I always planned on driving them anywhere they ever needed to go but then I became a single mom and I can’t work and drive them everywhere they need to go. It’s super scary but I have been letting him drive me (even on the interstate at night!) so he can have experience and be a safe driver.
9. Paid February rent while it was still January.
And last but certainly not least
10.Turned down FIVE propositions for illicit affairs with married men. I wasn’t even slightly tempted even though they are PERSISTANT. Seriously wth? Are men not getting any satisfaction at ALL? I don’t get why any man not on a desert island would choose an aged, exhausted, wrinkled used up old bag to desecrate their honorable vows for the first time with. I am not flirty, sexy, touchy feely etc. I am polite. Polite is not a come on goddammit. I have bags under my eyes and I wear big black chunky Dr. Scholls 12 hours a day 6 days a week.
BONUS 11: Only had ONE delicious dream about somebody that I used to know. It was three nights ago and I only think about it about once a day…and then that’s all I do – think about it then move on.
I know that I still have plenty of growing to do and lots of work to get done. In the month of February I am going to TRY not to get depressed about turning 42. Middle-aged divorcee will not be part of my vocabulary this year. (Fingers crossed). Just like in any long distance race I like to look at how far I have come rather than how much further I have to go. Especially nowadays since the finish line just keeps getting closer & closer lol…okay enough of that.
In someone’s arms…
I wouldn’t exactly call it a dark night of the soul but… that moment half past midnight when you realize: you can hear the washer, the dryer AND the dish washer churning about their business when all you really want is to be asleep in someone’s arms. To be asleep. To be in someone’s arms. Someone’s arms. Someone’s….but tomorrow is the one morning you can sleep all the way until 7:30a.m. so it’s the night that you can finally get caught up on the week’s chores while not being bitter at all that once again your ex text “cant pick up or drop of the boys this weekend because I am out of town Thurs thru Mon”…starting to think he has this set as a “quick response” text in his phone because the wording and errors are exactly the same every single time. Realizing that this entire experience can be lumped into “1st world problems” and being entirely thankful even in your loneliness
Not That Anyone Asked Me... 