Imagine, just for a moment, being a miracle,sure
A miracle that’s just just waiting to occur.
Overflowing with the essence of thee
manifestation that was meant to be.
The unfulfilled extraordinary
event that was pure destiny.
How wonder-us-ly imagined
yet a miracle unenlivened
Why imagine it yo
do you not know
that it
is so
?
***********************************************
And I DON’T CARE for rhyming poetry mostly
unless it’s a tight rap. I can’t decide if rhyming is super simple and lame orrrr ultra challenging & genius to find words to express your meaning but also happen to rhyme.
journal
Behind my mask
Behind my mask of normality writhe the plump juicy maggots of insanity.
The seething growing mass of larvae crack the mask to reveal a fleeting glimpse of my mother’s substitute babies.
Mindless of my convincing facade they greedily consume the inner core that is my being.
Now snug in cocoons built of my disintegrated self, biding their time, nursing on my sanity – gorging themselves on my freewill, growing fuller and fuller
until they merge into me and we are rejoined as one.
BURSTING!
Shattering the outer mask to reveal a raving lunatic caught in a gossamer web…..
where reality is non-existent
New language of symbols…
The language of symbols has changed so much in my lifetime. It’s fun to think about re reading an article, book, closed-captioning, maps, calculators even older emails and blogs and using our current translations for the symbols. OR reading something written this year and read it with our translation of language symbols from 20 years ago.
Not everyone knows this # as a number symbol or pound symbol. Some people that are alive only know it as hash tag. (which even has it’s own gang sign….or hand jive… I don’t remember having a hand gesture for the symbol before it was hashtag…which I would’ve called sign language) Parentheses make my science report from 1988 look like there all sorts of results that made me happy or frowny winky. Then there are the emoticons in my old vcr manual that have no mouths to clue me in on the emotion being expressed so I don’t know if a direction is being smart or smug or winking with an embarrassed or happy or sad face. The @ symbol sure gets a lot more play than when I was a kid. There’s been a dip recently after social media changed the need for this @janedoe to just ‘jane doe’ which then could be modified to just this: ‘jane’. Anyway doesn’t a colon look like a staring emoticon? I noticed a couple of days ago while I was texting my kid and now I see the emoticons even with just one symbol. This is a winky ; not a semi colon. ^ is an arched eyebrow. Even without the eyes / is an embarrassed face and somehow & has become a kid scootin’ across the floor on his booty. See: ‘ & ‘
Children reading older literature might think “man that Poe was a cheeky cheerful fella” or that the bible was being sarcastic or mischievous….They could see Ethan Frome as cheerful ..I got lots more to write including something I just forgot but my hand’s asleep…I will pause here and maybe continue this later…I have a whole list of things I need to finish but keep forgetting because I start something else. Like when I started this….so I might not ever make it back. Right now I can cross “Start Long-Ass Pointless Post” off my list. One less thing…but meantime :
Alone…
Alone
Lost
Angry
Hating
Wanting
Needing
Love.
Searching
Floating
Void
Sane: empty
Insane: Full.
Waiting
Vulnerable
Aching
Screaming
Lunatic
Struggling
Caught.
Loathing
Despising
Murdering
Fearing
hating
Love.
Sometimes I think about…
Sometimes I think about all the undelivered messages that people didn’t get that would have completely changed their lives. Like when a mail plane (how can you tell if it’s a mail plane? Check between the landing gears) crashes or a mailbox(look underneath) gets destroyed or when someone loses their cellphone before they read their texts or listen to a voicemail.
How many declarations of love or hate and unanswered questions are floating around us? What about a message from a birth mother to her baby that she had given up for adoption which reads “I’ll understand if you don’t want to talk to me so if I don’t hear from you I’ll never call you again”?
Even an embarrassing or hateful call that never gets heard. And when the hater has a change of heart and wishes they didn’t send it and they’re puzzled by never getting a reaction from the recipient and they just get over it and let stuff go. How many lives could have been better or worse? Or over
Darkness…
Darkness
I’ve been filled with it before
and knew I couldn’t take much more
The blackness filled me to overflowing
yet I managed to keep on
going
I waited it out
I made it through
Forgot about the shadow
when your light shone through
I never knew darkness could get deeper
So far beyond fear of
The Reaper
I knew that there were worse things than death
Just not that it could be the next breath
Blackness
caught me unaware
After allowing me to care
I thought that I had made
it free
but it was just toying
with me
Such a sick joke
evil smile while I choke
Don’t know if I can make it past
But when I’m gone
darkness will last
and last
Wants…
Wants
I don’t want what I need,
I just need what I want.
Sometimes the line between
desire and require
becomes blurred
Sometimes my thoughts
become slurred.
We all know the difference
even as we fool ourselves
There is just no excitement
in luxuriating in our necessities
I’m just sayin…
At first I was afraid.
I was petrified.
I kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side.
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you’d done me wrong.
I grew strong.
I learned how to get along…
14 months after ‘D’ day and I’m ever exhausted but definitely crying less and growing more into me. I am adapting to being in the workforce after 17.5 years of being a stay at home mom. At this exact moment I am lying in bed after midnight anticipating a busy Sunday. Tired just thinking about everything I’m to do tomorrow but reminding myself that it’s better than being at work all day. Trying to focus on the fact that I GET to do so many things tomorrow because it’s my day off instead of thinking of them as things I HAVE to do.
Laying here reflecting back on the month that has just been put to rest less than an hour ago. Instead of counting sheep I am counting the accomplishments that I have had so far in 2015. They may seem like a pile of crap to many people but to me they are worth noting and I am kind of proud (without being arrogant) of the things that I have been able to accomplish post-divorce without any financial support from anyone else. I work at a blue color job long hours 24 days a month so that I can provide food & shelter for my two teenage sons and to be honest I would work Sundays too if I had to. Thank Unis that I do NOT have to!
I’m mentally ticking off my small & large accomplishments for the month of January.
1.Paid every bill on time and some of them early
2. Bought groceries every week and never ran out of shampoo, deodorant, detergent etc.
3. Finally bought windsheild wipers for my car
4. Finally got an oil change
5. Bought my extremely talented youngest son a new Fender electric acoustic guitar with a really cool case with backpack type straps.
6. Bought myself some MUCH needed tires for my car. I commute and then play mom’s taxi most days after work and my tires have been worn down to the slick
7. Paid off my car
8. Nobody that knows me would ever believe it would happen but I decided that if my oldest boy is going to be able to start college classes and start preparing for his life he’s going to need a car and besides he needs to start driving himself to church on my one day off….so I bought him a used car, and insurance and a ridiculously overpriced tag. Now he will have his operators license and my youngest is about to get his learners permit and if they are injured in a car accident it will be entirely my fault. I didn’t let them get bikes until they were about 7 and 9 and then it was against my will. I am over protective. I always planned on driving them anywhere they ever needed to go but then I became a single mom and I can’t work and drive them everywhere they need to go. It’s super scary but I have been letting him drive me (even on the interstate at night!) so he can have experience and be a safe driver.
9. Paid February rent while it was still January.
And last but certainly not least
10.Turned down FIVE propositions for illicit affairs with married men. I wasn’t even slightly tempted even though they are PERSISTANT. Seriously wth? Are men not getting any satisfaction at ALL? I don’t get why any man not on a desert island would choose an aged, exhausted, wrinkled used up old bag to desecrate their honorable vows for the first time with. I am not flirty, sexy, touchy feely etc. I am polite. Polite is not a come on goddammit. I have bags under my eyes and I wear big black chunky Dr. Scholls 12 hours a day 6 days a week.
BONUS 11: Only had ONE delicious dream about somebody that I used to know. It was three nights ago and I only think about it about once a day…and then that’s all I do – think about it then move on.
I know that I still have plenty of growing to do and lots of work to get done. In the month of February I am going to TRY not to get depressed about turning 42. Middle-aged divorcee will not be part of my vocabulary this year. (Fingers crossed). Just like in any long distance race I like to look at how far I have come rather than how much further I have to go. Especially nowadays since the finish line just keeps getting closer & closer lol…okay enough of that.
Not That Anyone Asked Me... 