So many situations we find ourselves in these days wouldn’t have been possible not too long ago. Thanks to modern gizmos ‘n’ gadgets I found myself in a pretty surreal situation today. Apparently my phone screen is more difficult to replace than any phone screen in the history of the universe so nearly a month after I paid for my replacement screen I found myself BACK at the Mr. Phone Fixit shop for the third time. Anticipating that I might have to leave my cracked phone at the shop I had brought along my older phone to be used if necessary. After having participated in cheerful chit chat with the other anxious parents in the waiting area I powered on my old device. Even in a waiting area in a phone repair shop it seems odd to just continue to sit in such close proximity to other weird wired people without my electronic sheild in hand. I noticed straight away that I was getting a ton of notifications and that many of them were voicemails that hadn’t been listened to. That wasn’t a big surprise because I very rarely listen to messages. I have fewer unlistened to messages on my new phone because people finally stopped recording them. So without even a premonitory pause I decided to listen for a bit to pass the time. BIG MISTAKE. A deliciously happy, excited loving voicemail from a year ago changed me from being a cheerful stranger in a hopeful waiting area to a shattered person sitting perfectly still so that my pieces wouldn’t scatter all over the place while trying to force my lungs to function. It was very surreal. Sounds around me were muted and it felt like someone had stabbed a GIGANTIC ice sword through my gut. My vision was fading around the edges and I felt like everyone in the room were awaiting my reaction so I had none. I kept all of my reacting on the inside where it belongs.
~Kiddo
Kiddo
Never will I ever…
Yesterday, I had to tell my ex that I would’ve stayed with him forever but that he’s the only one I’ve ever been with that I would never be with again. If the man that I dated for 3 months 23yrs ago wanted another shot I would give it to him and if either of the ladies that lost interest in me in the last 2 years were interested again I would see what they had to offer. He has earned the distinct honor of “Never Again No Matter What” …I feel even sadder for him than I do for me
Wrong door…
Can you believe that I just walked into the wrong apartment? Looking down at my sky map, I glanced at the door handle as I turned it, stepped across the threshold and shut the door behind me and just stood there stunned to be in a small dark space. My eyes slo-mo movie-style focused on a laundry basket on the floor to my right and a cardboard box to my left. Next I noticed a carpeted stairs 2 steps in front of me that was dimly lit from the top. At the top of the stairs was a fluffy cat frozen midstep staring at me with it’s mouth hanging open. I could hear a strange t.v. show and realized that I was either straight trippin’ OR standing in someone else’s home. The cat glances over it’s shoulder toward the softly lit apartment, I glance over my shoulder to the door….the cat sees it’s owner walking toward the sound of the intruder… I see the door handle slo-mo turning in my hand. The cat voices a tattle meow as I step past the EXTREMELY loud squealing door and quick-but-quietly close the door and casual-fast hustle a few doors down to my door through which I quiet-quickly enter through. Surreals ya’ll
Wishing vs Wishing
Wishing that you had never been born is NOT the same as wishing that you were dead
Kiddo Uncompromised
“When the moisture on my face is a mixture of sweat, raindrops from the literal storm that I am running through, tears of pain and doubt that I refuse to hold back and tears of pure joy at the beauty of my life that’s when I know that I have lived. I am in this moment truly ALIVE!”
~ Kiddo (6-10-15)
I have been a runner my entire life. I have been running since before running was “cool”. In the 70’s I didn’t need a cool head band, sneakers and jogging shorts. All I needed was my barefeet and ground to cover. I didn’t wear hairbands and ponytail holders because I had a sensitive scalp and was prone to headaches so I tended to run against the wind when I could. The wind not only kept my straggly hair out of my face allowing me to see where I was going but it also made me earn every inch of ground that I crossed. Sometimes I would run against wind so STRONG that it seemed like I was running in place. To me this was a good time. I never looked for the path of least resistance and I felt like the more challenging something was to do the more it was worth doing. I didn’t run for financial gain or for health or for the recognition of others. I RAN FOR THE PURE JOY OF IT.
In the 80’s I was encouraged to join the track team at school and since I loved running and jumping I did. I was one of the best on the team and my biggest problem (as well as my coach’s ) was that I could only participate in three events per track meet. I ran the mile run every single meet but I also ran the mile relay (as the anchor or catch up runner) and did the long jump and the high jump depending on where I was needed most for a particular event. One thing that allowed me to really shine was when the runners would have to run against the wind. Most of the runners in Jr high and high school hated running against the wind and were very discouraged by it. Not me. I would tuck my chin, fold my lips in to keep them from drying out and slow my breath to avoid flaring my nostrils. My hair would fly out behind me and I would be a kid again running for the pure joy of it like my Creek ancestors did generations ago.
Even as someone that truly loves running there would be times as a teenager that I would want to quit. Training to run sometimes took some of the fun out it. Occasionally, I would rather be doing something other than running and I would MAKE myself run at least 5 miles. When my dad got in on my training and would have me drink 5 raw eggs before running 5 miles every morning no matter what the weather I started to lose my joy. I truly hated running in the cold. When I found myself focusing on how far I would still have to go I would make myself stop thinking like that. I trained myself to look back on how far I had gone. The truth is that just running ONE mile was an accomplishment. There was no failure. At first I would have to make myself flip my perspective from one of dreading the distance yet to go to appreciating how far I had gone. The higher the number of laps or miles I had ran grew the more I would feel like I could quit at anytime and still have won. Even giving myself permission to quit I wouldn’t quit because the pressure was off and it was basically a game to see how far I could push myself.
Once again I have found myself in the position of being a single unemployed mother and I can’t help but feel the importance of the decisions I make in the near future. There’s WEIGHT to my choices simply because I am not the only one effected by them. Weight isn’t necessarily a bad thing though. It makes us see what we consider important. It makes us stop and truly think about our decisions. In fact, I have a few weights that I have been carrying around for the majority of my life that I hope to never lose. When I was seven years old running barefooted through a field near my home I was stopped short by something that looked like an egg. It was a blur beneath my feet as I zoomed past it but I came to a screeching halt and walked back about 10 yards to see this bird egg. When I got back to it I discovered that it wasn’t an egg at all. I had found a perfectly smooth, cool to the touch even in the mid-day sun, stone! I started calling it my pet rock because pet rocks had been really cool about 5 years before and this was the coolest natural rock I had ever seen. I had seen plenty of perfectly smooth rocks in rivers in the Carolinas and Tennessee but this was in the middle of a dry field in central Florida and nearly perfectly round. I thought it was amazing and I have carried that rock with me for about 35 years. In 1992 when I was 19yrs old I discovered another weight that I loved so much I had to have it. This discovery was a paper weight I unpacked at Cracker Barrel while I was stocking the gift shop with new items. It was just a glob of glass, with different coloured glass inside to look like two dolphins swimming in the ocean. I loved it and bought it with my employee discount. That was 23 years ago. I have kept both of my weights with me through thick and thin. Even when I didn’t have a place of my own and I was backpacking through the southeastern states I kept these two weights. I never even used them to hold down papers. I kept these items with me because they were beautiful to look at and felt great in my hands. One seemed to be shaped and smoothed by nature and the other was intentionally crafted my a human. Both of these weights were shaped by outside forces exerted on them but both of them were beautiful as a result and their form was even more impressive to me than their function. Everytime I had to sort through my belongings and choose necessities I kept both of these weights. I kept them through spring cleanings and chaff clearings and they have been with me for the good and the not so good. I’ve kept these weights through my ups and downs because I value what we’ve been through together and they’re lovely to behold.
This afternoon I went for my run and I have so much energy since I haven’t worked in four days. I’m like a cross between Sarah Connor and those treadmill dancers and I just enjoy myself as I cruise on down the road. I had a great playlist of songs that I totally enjoyed running to. The songs gave me an opportunity to change my pace and move to different rhythms. The wind was in my face and it started to rain and I was completely ALIVE.
I am NOT scared of the future. I know that even if I don’t find a job in time to keep our apartment that my heart will keep on beating and I will still live, laugh and love beneath the sun and the clouds and the beauty of the night sky. Life is about ups and downs and round and rounds. I truly love roller coasters and I will make the best of the ride.
When I think about the uncertainty of the future I remind myself that no one’s future is certain. Even people who think that their path is set and that they know where they’re going they are not CERTAIN of how things will turn out. If you’re under the illusion that your future is set I hope that you’re not proven wrong. I hope that you’re not caught off guard. If your life goes exactly according to plan then I am HAPPY for you. I also will feel a little bit sorry for you because you won’t know how you can roll with the changes. You won’t find out about your ability to go with the flow and learn to compromise without compromising your true self. I lost my job four days ago for being true to myself and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Life is beautiful even as it’s uncertain and I am happy with that. I look back on my life and see that I might’ve made different choices in retrospect but we don’t have the ability to go back and make changes. Even though there are a few things I would do differently if given the option to go back I am glad that I can’t. Every choice and every consequence that I lived through has shaped me and strengthened me to be what I am today. Every worry I have ever had has been pointless unless I see it as a learning experience. I worried about things that weren’t necessary because things work out one way or another and often times things that I worried about never came true. These things still teach me about the things that are important to me and give me an appreciation for how things turn out. When I had just given birth to my first child I was genuinely concerned that his tiny mouth couldn’t possibly latch onto my giant nipple but the nurse assured me that this wouldn’t be a problem. She had experience and she turned out to be right. Now that little baby is making his way through the world and driving himself around in his own car going about his business never knowing that at one time I was worried that he might not be able to nurse.
Life works out and life is beautiful. It’s all about the journey because the destination is the end of life and we will all get there eventually. If it were possible to stand before my ancestors and my posterity I would proudly say that I lived my life true to me. I’m a hedonist and enjoy life fully but I have made a positive difference in the lives that I have touched. I have made the world a better place and I have cooperated along the way but I never compromised. I have run with the wind at my back but I was truly alive when I ran against the wind with my straggly hair flying out behind me earning every inch of ground that I covered.
Hopefully I will find a good job soon that both pays the bills and allows me to be a service to others without being a disservice to myself. Until that time I will do my best to make it happen but I will not worry about the future. The future is uncertain but it will happen no matter what.
The 2 weights that I choose to carryThe 2 weights that I choose to carry
My playlist for my run tonight My playlist for my run tonight My playlist for my run tonight
LOL Unis
Lol Unis! I was in the shower and Pandora was playing and then the song changed and I sang along changing the “he’s” to “she’s” of course…
“Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
she’s a loser, but she still keeps on tryin’
Unlucky in love, least that’s what they say
She lost her head and she gambled her heart away
She still keeps searching though there’s nothing left
Staked her heart and lost, now she has to pay the cost”
..and then I said “yeah Beeyotch! Let me introduce myself” and laughed my carefree ‘I don’t give a damn’ laugh then shaved my legs even though no one will ever notice.
I half expected Alone Again, Naturally to come on next but Unis dropped that ball
Unis Up to Her Tricks or Treats
Sometimes I wonder if Unis is fuckin’ with me or just trying to reward me for my patience. Possibly she just REALLY wants me to think hard about my choices. I have a problem knowing if I’m making the right choice when it comes to ordering off of a menu. So when there are PROS and CONS in a decision that effects me and also effects my children’s lives plus there’s an issue of conscience you can see why I might feel a burden making either decision. Determining which one is right and which one is smart can be a struggle. Especially, when they both seem right in different ways.
For her first trick today I finally got the business cards that the company I work for had made for me. I am listed as a Service Consultant. Then not even two hours later Unis had a follow up trick or possibly treat. I got an offer to manage a shop Monday through Friday 9 to 5 for over 13k more a year than I am making at my current job. My current position requires me to work 7:30am until 5pm Monday through Saturday. EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY. I do get two Thursdays off a month but still. I have been with this company only nine months. Other than being a yoga/fitness instructor for seven years this is the longest I have been at a job since I had to rejoin the workforce almost two years ago. Not that I am unreliable or a flake but when put in a situation in which I was suddenly a stay at home mom I took the first job that I could find that allowed me to continue teaching most of my yoga/fitness classes mornings and evenings. I was working graveyard shift doing very physical grueling manual labor in an industrial laundry and I did that for seven months. I had earned the unofficial title of “Longest Lasting White Girl” after two weeks. That job was extreme even for a very physically and mentally strong person such as myself. I stuck with it until I was offered another job. I felt awful when I scheduled a meeting during the day to speak with the manger and Personnel Dept. I was supposed to be sleeping since I worked all night but the office was closed at night and I felt as a responsible adult that I needed to give two weeks notice and explain my reason for leaving. I thanked the manager for choosing me for the job seven months before and saving me and my children from homelessness. I was truly grateful and I offered to continue to work nights for the first two weeks of my new job. The manager thanked me kindly but said “as you know people quit this job every single day. They leave after working just two hours or just never show back up after their second day or a week or whatever their breaking point is. You have been a very reliable employee for seven months and I wish you luck with your new job but there’s no need to work two jobs for two weeks. Thanks for your service” So I moved on to my second full time job as a single mom.
There’s always issues for me leaving anything that I have commited to even when it’s the smarter choice. I felt bad about leaving the laundry hanging (wink wink) but the new job was offering me a position running an office at a small business for twice what I was making at the laundry and for daytime hours. Monday through Friday 9 to 6 and every other Saturday meant that I would have to QUIT teaching my morning yoga classes 😦 but that I could still teach my evening classes if I rushed straight from work. Turned out I was late to class sometimes twice a week which bothered me more than I could stand. I stayed with that job for only three months because the office I was running turned out to be crooked and I had a problem with forging documents and lying to state government officials. Even working at the all night laundry was preferable to working days in a prison laundry so I didn’t feel bad about leaving my position without notice. The business was audited and cited for multiple violations months after I got the hell out so I felt that my move was definitely the right choice. Also I was able to I earn a salary that is over 15k more a year than that crooked job and I get $200 a month for fuel allowance since I work forty miles from home. Not a bad move up for a single mom that had been out of the workforce for almost eighteen years. The biggest problem with switching from that job to my current position is that the hours are so long. I am gone twelve hours a day and had to quit teaching yoga entirely. I could occasionally teach a Spin class but have recently broken it off with my girlfriend and I was teaching at her facility so there goes that. I loved teaching all of my classes but that’s life I guess. With such little time for my mom duties and practically no time for my self. I do what I need to do but am exhausted and I’m still struggling financially. When I get paid I pay the bills, buy groceries and gas and then I am out of money. A couple times a month something bounces through my bank account like the dot on a sing along song video. More money and more family time plus free time should make decision a no-brainer right? Not for me.
Considerations that would keep me from accepting the new position:
1.) How much training would I recieve before being expected to manage a shop? I am a quick learner but I need to find out the duties and expectations of this proferred position before I commit to doing them. If I get in over my head I may cost the company AND/OR end up out of a job completely. Switching jobs is a gamble.
2.) The company I already committed to has been good to me financially and they’ve done for me what they said they would do when I convinced them that I would be reliable and trustworthy.
3. The company I currently work for went to the trouble of ordering and paying for business cards with my name on them.
4. The company I work for JUST gave me my paid vacation two months before it was due for a non work related conference. I literally just returned to work the day before yesterday.
Now all of the reasons to take the new job:
1.) The great hours
2.) The great salary
3.) No more dealing with the unbelievable ASSHAT service manager at work that yells and screams profanity at me and comments to the other employees in this mostly male work environment about my female private parts in vulgar ways. I have hated few people in my life but I have hated him. Now I see him as a big, loud, pot bellied grumpy toddler but he makes days at work just beyond ridiculous and sometimes I hate him still. He messes with my positive energy because HATE is not something I want to spend my energy on. For months I would actually DREAD going to work and not because of the long drive or the long hours. I would dread having to deal with that douche ass manager. Days when he isn’t here run just as smooth as silk. The only reason I stay is because I can afford to be jobless for one day. If I wasn’t a mother I would have left the first day. Or gone to prison for extreme murder. Seriously.
I am going to the interview on Thursday to see if I think I can handle the new responsibilities. Thanks Unis for giving me more big decisions to make on my own 🙂
I wish you could read this but I have already sent enough post -breakup emails to qualify as pathetic
I would like to remember our first kiss:
As we watch tv and talk about the slow movie our legs barely touch as if by accident , hands cautiously beginning to casually explore , until finally without permission we kiss. There wasn’t a moment of hesitation. The whole night had been leading to this.
It is our first kiss, and we make it last…
We kiss as if we’ve done this before but it is so new and I just want more of you. I gently kiss your mouth, and breathe along your neck. My hand in your heavenly scented delicious hair as I kiss your chin and your belly and your thighs . And we talk as we do this. We get to know each other as we slowly discover each other with our bodies. We communicate with and without words. It is intoxicating to change the way your mouth is moving by moving mine against it. And I lay you down and I lay beside you and over you and we look at each other with bright excited eyes. I hold your eyes with mine as I run my finger tips up your legs because I want you to watch me touch you and I want to feel it from your point of view. I want to touch you more and deeply. I slowly start to peel away your clothing to learn more of you , and I touch your breast, which is close to your heart. And you touch and kiss me, but I do not pay attention to me, I pay attention to you. I drown in the scent and taste and feel of you.
Time happens. We happen. It is amazing and indescribable so I won’t even try. You felt it too so you know what I mean.
You decide that I will leave so we won’t get caught. I want to stay but I look forward to the drive home. It is dark out and no one can see me doing my happy dance. Your scent is all over me and the car smells like heaven. I am effervescent with joy from the best first date ever. I know how the excitement of a night like this tries to hide the fact that connecting in such an intense way from the beginning will make the pain more intense if I return for more. I decide to never see you again so this will remain perfect yet I am greedy for that bonding that always seems to be temporary. So I decide to risk it. The thought of seeing you again is intoxicating
I may seem strong—but I wanted to ask you to be careful with my heart. My heart loves too deeply when at all. Instead I said this means nothing. It’s just fun. So fun. And you agree that night and the next day.
You did not see me as a fortress even though I put up my walls to protect myself. Walls to keep me safe from getting lost in you but you didn’t see them and eventually my walls became invisible even to me and I did not protect myself and I did get lost in you. I was kinder with your heart than you were with mine. But that was okay, it was worth it just to be around your excitement for life even if you weren’t excited to be with me anymore. So I stayed long after I knew you had forgotten that first kiss.
I stayed because I remembered those first three months when we spent so many nights dripping with joy. I tried to give you time to find us again. You’d be back to me soon you kept saying and I knew it would be totally worth the wait. I knew that if I waited until your passion for life included me again everything would be happiness. Until I realized that you wouldn’t be coming back to me and in fact I saw that you knew this too and the guilt you felt over that made me call it quits. Throwing in the towel rather than contending for your heart. I didn’t want you to feel bad for not being into us anymore.
And I thank you for this delicious privilege, which was to be part of your excitement for awhile. Your passion is amazing to witness and almost unbearable when your passion was for me. I ALMOST wish we had never kissed except for the fact that I know I will get over this stupid broken heart. Even though the brokenness makes my heart feel bigger than it is – it’s actually just the size of my little fist and not very big at all. In the beginning your love was just as big as my hurt is now but you got over it in a matter of months so I know that big things fade away into nothingness and I think that maybe we’re both better off for having the experience of the ups and downs of the roller coaster of our love. Thanks for the ride.
Now I am finding myself again.
True stories…
Through the steam I found myself flirting with my seductive shower head and it’s not even detachable
My left knee sports a big blue tender sex bruise while the bunion on my right foot pulses with a hot throbbing ache.
Random Wednesday Night in the Life of a Random Middle-aged Nympho involves a home hair dye kit and a bottle of wine from Publix.
Self-diagnosed & self-medicating DIY addict
Hello my name is Kiddo and I am addicted to doing it myself. No matter what it is. So I have diagnosed myself and I do self medicate for being a DIY addict. With my busy schedule I rarely do crafts and I never get a chance to build anything with my hands anymore or even rearrange my furniture so I am not referring to those types of DIY projects. I live my life by doing ALMOST everything myself. It’s not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing it’s just the way I am. There are advantages and disadvantages to being self-reliant.
As a self-reliant person I save time by not waiting for other people to do simple chores like mowing the lawn, straightening up the house, unclogging drains, repairing leaky pipes, emptying the trash bins, cooking, laundry etc. Whenever I do ask someone else do these minor tasks for me I end up doing them anyway because I don’t like waiting. Maybe in this case I am just impatient. I don’t complain that the other person didn’t move fast enough I just decide to go ahead and do it myself. Sometimes the other person says “Hey! I was going to do that” and I say “I know, it’s okay I got it”. Usually I just don’t ask because I know that I won’t wait.
As a person that believes that each able bodied person should be capable if necessary of making changes in their lives for the sake of their own happiness I’ve never felt the need to use props, programs,medications or substitutes to quit smoking or drinking. I stopped each several times and know that I can again if I want to. I just have to want to enough to struggle through it on my own. I am also good at justifying my bad habits…as long as I’m practicing my Everything in Moderation theme then I should be okay. If I end up not okay it’s still okay because eventually we’ll all be equally okay.
I don’t ask many questions. If I need to know something my first response isn’t asking someone else it’s seeking the knowledge myself. There’s so much information out there that I can find it usually quite easily and sometimes even multiple contradicting answers to the same question. Then I just have to figure out what I believe to be most likely. If I need to get somewhere and Google Maps is wrong I will figure it out on my own. Rather than asking others to tell me from their experience what will happen if I do this or that I like to learn as I go. The same holds true for my faith in the universe and what happens after we die. I like to hear other people’s opinion but it doesn’t really change what I think and feel about the biggest questions we have as humans. I almost never ask for forgiveness from people. I will admit to it when I do something wrong whether intentionally or by accident. If they forgive me then fine but if they don’t that’s fine too. Forgiveness I only require from myself. Each person should forgive others if they’re holding something against them because it’s just a better way to live but I don’t require others to forgive me. There are things that I’ve done that I will never forgive myself for but I do move on and continue my go with the flow lifestyle
In the kitchen I also just do it however I feel like doing it. I don’t use recipes and I never even measure so each of my dishes is always a once in a lifetime event. I just figure I know the basics and the principals of how cooking works so I’ve never felt the need for recipes. I do enjoy reading recipe books sometimes but it’s like window shopping.
When it comes to inspiration and motivation I don’t look to others to do it for me. I inspire and motivate myself. Of course I have only myself to blame for not meeting my goals. When I exercise I know that not one other person on the planet gives a shit if I run or not. Nobody cares or even notices if I gain five pounds or if I lose the triceps and abs that I worked so hard for. I exercise only for myself. When my alarm goes off in the morning I just get up and go to work. No one has to keep waking me up or remind me that if I don’t hurry I will be late. It’s amazing that there are so many adults that can’t get themselves up everyday. Basic life skills shouldn’t be as hard as some people seem to make them. I am inspired by the world around me and the amazing people I know personally and by those I hear about or read about but if I found no other person’s life or struggle or their empowerment inspirational I would still be inspired.
A few of the things that inspire me that have nothing to do with other people: Rain, storms, lightning, warm breezes, cool breezes, STRONG WINDS, the moon, the stars, beaches, the oceans, rivers, puddles, teensy tiny droplets of dew, sunrises, sunsets, the way the light changes mood and the way shadows play a huge role in our lives even though we don’t even realize it. My human body, how amazing it is and how fragile it is and how it changes over time.
I have diagnosed myself as being a DIY addict and now I will even psychoanalyze myself. It’s definitely NOT because I am a control freak. – I’m so easy going that I don’t complain when the day goes according to someone else’s whims EVEN WHEN I VERY MUCH WANT TO DO SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD. I may get aggravated but I wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone else with my aggravation. I’m pretty sure the REAL reason I do everything myself is because I don’t want to be helpless or vulnerable. I want to be able to take care of myself. I need to be capable of doing whatever it takes for whatever situation I find myself in. If my tire goes flat on a desolate stretch of highway at midnight, or if the thatched roof of my hut is crashed in by a heavy coconut palm while I am out on my raft during a thunderstorm I want to know that I will be able to push or pull and repair or rebuild. When technology doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do and my paycheck doesn’t get deposited on time or the light fixtures inexplicably fall from the kitchen ceiling I want to know that I won’t fall apart. I will be able to improvise if necessary and think on my feet. I want to know that I can rely on myself because I know it’s a gamble to rely on anyone else.
As an example of my extremes for those that don’t follow me: I recently needed to get 2 cars 7 miles by myself so I decided rather than wait until the next day when someone would be available to help me that I would do it myself. I drove one car half a mile and ran back to the other car and drove it a mile and ran back the half mile to the other car. It was a beautiful evening to see the world close up rather than zipping by in my car and also I was thankful that the reason I was hoofing it across town was because I had TOO MANY cars rather than no car. I have walked, skated, biked and jogged down those same streets because I didn’t have transportation so this was a better “problem” to have. I won’t say that my leap frog method was speedier or more efficient than having someone else drive one of the cars for me but the job was finished sooner and I didn’t have to inconvenience anyone other than myself. I don’t mind inconvenience. Life isn’t about convenience it’s about…well it’s about a lot.
On the flip side of doing everything myself I do understand that people occasionally need help. I think that most people’s first response is to ask someone else to help them rather than trying to figure out how to do something on their own. I almost never tell someone that I won’t or can’t help them even if it inconveniences me a great deal to do so. Since I have to REALLY want or need help to ask for it I always feel like the person asking me for help must really need me to help them. It seems very hard for me to ask anyone to inconvenience themselves for my sake so it makes sense that if they’re asking me then they must be out of options. I always say yes. I am a ‘yes’ person. Sometimes I wish I could become a ‘NO’ person but I can’t. Doing everything myself AND helping everyone that asks can be very exhausting but it let’s me live guilt free.
I won’t even get into how my need to give and receive intimate personal pleasure falls into my DIY addiction. That’s another post entirely
To help the young people reading this:
Worksheet: WHEN DO YOU ASK FOR HELP?
The following questions will help you think about why people ask for help or don’t ask for help.
1. Check the answer that most applies to you.
________ I always ask for help when I need it.
_________ I sometimes ask for help when I need it.
________ I rarely ask for help even when Ineed it.
2. We all have times when we do ask for help. When are you most likely to ask someone else for help? (Examples: at home, from a friend, when the task is new)
3. We all also have times when we just won’t ask for help. When are you most likely to avoid asking for help?
4. Rate the following questions as True or False.
_____ Asking for help in class makes you look needy or nerdy.
_____ Asking for help shows that you are thinking about what you are learning.
_____ Asking for help puts other students in an awkward position.
_____ Asking for help means that you trust the teacher to help you.
_____ Asking for help means you are the teacher’s favorite or a teacher’s “pet”.
5. What did you learn about yourself and how you ask for help? Is there anything you think you may want to change in how you ask or do not ask for help?
Things they don’t tell you…
Greetings from my hot but no longer scalding (like my body tepid but no longer warm) soak in the tub. My unscented bubbles are fizzling out. I’m sitting here with a ladies disposable razor gently floating from my hand while letting a realization sink in: I shave my armpits by braille.
Over the last couple of years my vision of close up objects has started to blur. I’ve started the stereotypical upward stretching of the brows, the widening of the eyes and the pulling of objects away from my face to focus on things at hand. I’ve naturally begun compensating for the gradual decline in focus but hadn’t realized until just now that it’s progressed as far as it has.
This very bath while shaving my arpmits I thought “why am I even looking when I can’t tell anything at all?” That’s when I was struck by a realization: I was running my index finger along my flesh along with the razor to tell if there was stubble. I couldn’t see with my eyes if I had shaved every spot. The only way I know if my pits are shaved is by feel.
There are certainly things that our elders neglect to mention. Maybe I will start a new series: “Things They Failed to Mention.”
Lesser of evils
At this stage of the game it’s absolutely NOT about LOVING myself. It’s about hating myself the least amount possible.
A new bed
The last couple of days I have really been wanting a new bed. Two summers ago when my husband left all I wanted to do was burn the bed that we shared. The last 2 years I had to survive and provide for my children so I had to either sleep on the floor or keep sleeping in the bed that I hated. I got used to sleeping in that bed even though I didn’t rest easy on it and the fabric was soaked through with bitter tears. I kept hoping to wake from bad dreams but kept waking to them every morning in that king sized desolation. The last couple of days I’ve started obsessing about it again. I want a bed that he hasn’t shared. I haven’t had a bed that he hasn’t been in for 23 yrs. That’s over half of my life. I want a new bed. I want a king sized virgin bed.
Nonense…
Random almost audible quotes from in my head tonight
“My girlfriend’s stairs were nearly my downfall” …. (“Seriously,” I just almost audibly thought )
SELF-proclaimmmmed “World’s Greatest Gourmet Sandwich” (and I got it with the delightfully exotic bread substitute LETTUCE. And still.)
“Mutha Fuckin Sonovabitch….why the FUUUCK would they change the color scheme in the android messaging app to fuckin’ orange?! It was PERFECT with the blue tones now we got ‘Google oraNGE!?!?! What genius subjects us to this?!” (That’s a self-proclaimed ‘paraphrase’)
“Fuck” (EXACT quote)
Today is just one of those days…
Everyone has them. I honestly believe today can’t be as bad as yesterday but I’m definitely going through a rough patch. I know tons of people have harder lives but I’m just feeling exhausted and more emotional than usual. Exhaustion and not enough ‘me time’ will do that to most people. “Mamma said there’d be days like this, there’d be days like this, mamma said, mamma said.” (The Shirelles) Mamma also said “life is like a box of choc’lates…you never know what you’re gonna get” (Forest Gump).
I’m not complaining. My life is just out of balance because I don’t have any time to do the things that have always brought me joy. I don’t get to lay outside and watch the sky. I don’t get to read. I don’t get to have a yoga practice. I don’t get to workout enough to eat the way I love to eat and I can’t have as much luvin’ as I’d like because I enjoy a couple of hours of sex a day and there’s just NOT TIME ANYMORE.
So of course someone that can hardly ever do what they are naturally inclined to do and is forced to take bullshit from people they would never ever choose to be around at all (let alone 12 hours a day 6 days a week) will have times when they just want to say “fuck it” and go deliciously screw someone sexy during a thunderstorm on a beach during a meteor shower while eating a juicy bacon double cheeseburger and chili cheese fries and drinking a vanilla Bacardi milkshake.
Maybe one day I will have more time for me. I just have to get through this bs. I love life so much. I love my kids more than can be described. I love the natural world despite what’s been done to it. I am filled with joy at the wonders of life and the Universe but right not my joy feels like it is being sat upon by a big mean ugly troll that screams and curses at me for no reason except that he has low self-esteem even though he has an extremely large ego. I wish I could kill that troll but pretending like his assholery never bothers me will have to suffice. To anyone else having a rough patch: “Hang in there! Nothing lasts forever so enjoy the great things while they last and stay strong through the tough times. I love you so much”
If “yes” just say nothing…
…would you know who you are if I said
“I would do anything for you”?
Check it out…
Urmagherd….priceless. The randomness of the information super highway is unfathomable. I am scintillating between best thing ever & the complete total opposite of that. #whoa ¿? #mindflicker
Gorgeous morning on either side of me
Life really is beautiful even if it’s just squeezing 20 precious minutes in before work. Between the waters I saluted the rising sun, the westering moon and the steadfast lighthouse. Guiding lights gratefully acknowledged before I wipe the sand off of my feet and lace up my Dr. Scholls work shoes.
Life is beautiful…
My eldest child made it home despite the storm. My youngest helped me get my new elliptical into the apartment. We all ate dinner together as we watched Saint Vincent. I used my elliptical for half an hour (“thinking I’m BACK baby!” but we’ll see)…I don’t have to get up early to take my oldest to church for the 1st time in YEARS and tomorrow we’re all going to the fair with friends and my boy’s girlfriend. The fairgrounds are soggy due to the flash flood today but I’m still excited. I’m going to the fair as part of my birthday celebration and I couldn’t be happier right now. I love spending time with my sons more than anything else I get to do. We’re staying up late tonight and hopefully sleeping in tomorrow. Life is beautiful right now and right now is all any of us have. (Except tomorrow we have the fair 🙂 )
My favorite people…
People who are the favorite person of their favorite person are my favorite people. They’re just SO RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY that it’s hard not to love them. It must be amazing to live that way. I’ve had fleeting phases like that in my life and I think it would be fabulous to have that all of the time. To have a friend or relative that you’re just so close to that you know exactly what they’re thinking or what they’re about to do and they know you just as well. To have your person be the same person through decades and to experience lifes ups and downs and changes and tragedies with that true friend always a part of you has got to be the absolute best way to live. To have someone be your person through successes and failures and all the mundane shit in between is a privilege that not everyone has. I think it would be nice to be able to call or text one person no matter the time of day or night and just KNOW that you wouldn’t be disturbing them….and to find out that in fact they were just about to call or text you. Seems impossible beyond middle school to become someone’s person that doesn’t already have a person. Not that I am a jealous person but if wishes could come true just by wanting them to then I would have a lifelong bff of my own. I would do anything for them even if it meant driving off of a cliff together in a red convertible. I am very loyal and understanding and non judgemental and just know that someone somewhere must be missing out on the best possible friend that has EVER existed because they’re not friends with me. I’m not being all sad and melodramatic like my birthdays of the recent past but I do notice that tomorrow I will be so far beyond middle school and still have no deep meaningful relationships other than with my children. I really don’t think that at my age I can expect ever to have a friend that truly knows me. Even if I met someone today they wouldn’t know me through my single phase, my married phase, my pregnant phase, my mommy phase, my chubby phase, my extremely fit yoga instructor phase, my divorcing phase, my single parent phase….they would just know me in my slightly chubby, end of middle age and beyond phase.The always exhausted phase is not fun to be around. In turn, I will have missed all of their phases that led their path to cross mine. My sense of humour has always drawn a few people to hang out with me for a couple of years but even that has been dimmed by my current daily schedule. For some reason I will never be anyone’s favorite person. Seems juvenile to even mention such a thing but it’s just a thought. Oh well, I might as well enjoy the last few hours of my youth without becoming morose. Cheers from me and my long time friend Jack Daniels!
Not That Anyone Asked Me... 