LGBT

Talking to Myself

Kiddo's Korner 24/7 Leave a comment

In my head I’m always writing things to you that I will never
send and then also in my head explaining to you what I
wrote but didn’t send.

Like writing :
“Let’s just say that between the two of you
I would have more fun watching paint dry
with one than getting naked at the
beach and slippery in the surf and then eating insanely delicious
tacos at that Taco Spot on the beach then taking
A1A up the entire south east coast of the state through
all the little beach access towns and ocean avenues
with the other of you.”

Then explaining (also in my head):
“Yeah. I’d trade the day I had today for watching paint dry.
I really would, even though there was a blue storm
a few miles inland while I was naked in the water
with rumbling thunder and distant lightning. Plus, the tacos
were ridiculously delicious at the beach side restaurant.
Also, there are a LOT of magnificent trees, fountains
and ocean views along the scenic route we took back home.
The day was sofa king gorgeous. I wish you could have felt it.
Especially the cool sea breeze from the open windows
with the truck AC blasting on sun warmed skin.”

I’ll leave it up to you to decide who’s who.

So yeah, I’d rather spend time with you than to have sex
and I REALLY enjoy sex. In fact I think it’s one of the top three
reasons to be alive. The other two reasons are, of course,
eating and the one hundred percent innocent non carnal
pure joy I feel from seeing Luna in all of her fullness just
above the horizon or a big bunch of darkening cumulus
clouds or watching a thunderstorm churning the waters at
the inlet or experiencing a meteor streak across the sky so
close I feel like I can reach up and grab it.

I feel guilty for feeling so strongly even though it ISN’T a
bad thing. I can’t help how I feel but I can keep it to myself
by keeping these conversations with you in my head.
My feelings are not your problem.

Don’t even get me started on your dream visitations.
I’m pretty sure you are fully aware of what you are doing there.

~Kiddṏ

All about timing

Kiddo's Korner 24/7 1 Comment

   Today my virtual relationship with the Dr. I have met online reached the critical “Set The 1st Actual Meeting” stage. I have never pursued a relationship like this but I am sure that in this day and age of online dating many of you are familiar with it. I had been looking forward to the invite for the face to face get together until I recently lost my job. If I had known that unemployment was imminent I would never have posted my 1st dating profile to begin with. I wonder if my feelings would be different if I were in the market for a man to date but I think not considering that I do not ever wish to appear to be a gold digger. I’m sure that there are plenty of single mothers out there looking for someone to support them and their children but I will do my best to never be mistaken for one of those. I’ll take care of my own life thank you very much.  I would like to find someone that can provide everything EXCEPT financial support for me because that’s just the way I am. For better or for worse, my responsibilities are my own.
This afternoon while I was online submitting applications to every single available nearby job I could find I recieved a message from the good doctor.  After a month of correspondence the doctor wanted to know when I could get together for lunch or for dinner. I responded with as much tact as I could because I realllly didn’t want her to think that I was just blowing her off but I had to let her know that currently I am an unemployed, single, middle-aged mother and couldn’t pay my own way during a lunch or dinner date and wasn’t inclined to allow a new acquaintance to foot my bill. Ughhhh, sometimes I’m too honest but I’d feel better about spending my life alone than ever for one minute decieving anyone even by omission. I’m currently a loser when it comes to dating if only in the sense that if I had a close friend that was involved in a virtual relationship tell me that the person they were interested in seeing face to face was an unemployed middle-aged single parent with an online dating account I would tell them to run. It’s only fair for me to give the good Dr. the same advice.  I told her that I was recently unemployed without notice or severance pay because the owner of the company had a friend that needed a job and that I couldn’t pursue a “dating relationship” until my situation was straightened out. I have yet to receive a response. Damn the timing but it is what it is.

I wish you could read this but I have already sent enough post -breakup emails to qualify as pathetic

Kiddo's Korner 24/7 Leave a comment

I would like to remember our first kiss:
As we watch tv and talk about the slow movie our legs barely touch as if by accident , hands cautiously beginning to casually explore , until finally without permission we kiss. There wasn’t a moment of hesitation. The whole night had been leading to this.

It is our first kiss, and we make it last…

We kiss as if we’ve done this before but it is so new and I just want more of you. I gently kiss your mouth, and breathe along your neck. My hand in your heavenly scented delicious hair as I kiss your chin and your belly and your thighs . And we talk as we do this. We get to know each other as we slowly discover each other with our bodies. We communicate with and without words. It is intoxicating to change the way your mouth is moving by moving mine against it. And I lay you down and I lay beside you and over you and we look at each other with bright excited eyes. I hold your eyes with mine as I run my finger tips up your legs because I want you to watch me touch you and I want to feel it from your point of view. I want to touch you more and deeply. I slowly start to peel away your clothing to learn more of you , and I touch your breast, which is close to your heart. And you touch and kiss me, but I do not pay attention to me, I pay attention to you. I drown in the scent and taste and feel of you.

Time happens. We happen. It is amazing and indescribable so I won’t even try. You felt it too so you know what I mean.

You decide that I will leave so we won’t get caught. I want to stay but I look forward to the drive home. It is dark out and no one can see me doing my happy dance. Your scent is all over me and the car smells like heaven. I am effervescent with joy from the best first date ever. I know how the excitement of a night like this tries to hide the fact that connecting in such an intense way from the beginning will make the pain more intense if I return for more. I decide to never see you again so this will remain perfect yet I am greedy for that bonding that always seems to be temporary. So I decide to risk it. The thought of seeing you again is intoxicating

I may seem strong—but I wanted to ask you to be careful with my heart. My heart loves too deeply when at all. Instead I said this means nothing. It’s just fun. So fun. And you agree that night and the next day.

You did not see me as a fortress even though I put up my walls to protect myself. Walls to keep me safe from getting lost in you but you didn’t see them and eventually my walls became invisible even to me and I did not protect myself and I did get lost in you. I was kinder with your heart than you were with mine. But that was okay, it was worth it just to be around your excitement for life even if you weren’t excited to be with me anymore. So I stayed long after I knew you had forgotten that first kiss.

I stayed because I remembered those first three months when we spent so many nights dripping with joy. I tried to give you time to find us again. You’d be back to me soon you kept saying and I knew it would be totally worth the wait. I knew that if I waited until your passion for life included me again everything would be happiness. Until I realized that you wouldn’t be coming back to me and in fact I saw that you knew this too and the guilt you felt over that made me call it quits. Throwing in the towel rather than contending for your heart. I didn’t want you to feel bad for not being into us anymore.

And I thank you for this delicious privilege, which was to be part of your excitement for awhile. Your passion is amazing to witness and almost unbearable when your passion was for me. I ALMOST wish we had never kissed except for the fact that I know I will get over this stupid broken heart. Even though the brokenness makes my heart feel bigger than it is – it’s actually just the size of my little fist and not very big at all. In the beginning your love was just as big as my hurt is now but you got over it in a matter of months so I know that big things fade away into nothingness and I think that maybe we’re both better off for having the experience of the ups and downs of the roller coaster of our love. Thanks for the ride.
Now I am finding myself again.