Horny for Snuggles

Laying on my bed watching the delicious heavy rain’s got me thinking about how the 1st thing you do when you snuggle up against them is kiss the back of their neck

you just do

if there’s long wavy hair in the way you bury your face into the lightly scented depths until your lips meet their nape

then you apply one firm smooch to the base

then a very gentle light-as-a-breath one a little higher up

as you firmly but fleetingly press your pelvis forward into the ripeness of their warm cheeks

and you tighten then slightly release your arms

Unless you’re snuggling a friend

(Which means that you refrain from pressing your pelvis into their cheeks after the neck kisses of course)

then you just lay there snuggled up and experience the rain together

       ~KiDD

 

So many delicious days & nights of perfect snuggle weather.

“And if you can’t be with the one you love honey
snug the one you’re with, snug the one you’re with,
snug the one you’re with, snug the one you’re with.”

Discussion Group

I would love to have a respectful, intelligent conversation with myself at different stages in my life. Wouldn’t it be neat to sit in a discussion group with your six year old self, your thirteen year old self, your twenty one year old self, your twenty six, thirty five, forty four, fifty five, sixty six, seventy, eighty, ninety year old self?

There would be so many differences of opinion expressed and so many beliefs that contradicted each other. How can anyone feel like someone else’s beliefs and ideas are wrong when we don’t even agree with ourselves at different stages of our journey? How could we ever feel superior over anyone else because of how they decipher the clues and try to explain the intricacies of existence from their own current point of view.

How can anyone KNOW that they’re right and that everyone else that doesn’t agree with them is WRONG. If you ruled out the childish beliefs of your younger selves in the discussion group you would still have several full grown adult opinions of your own that differed. If you did rule out every theory and belief of the childhood yous in your discussion group what would YOU MISS OUT ON!?

Wouldn’t it be amazing to lay in a field with your younger selves making shapes out of clouds while discussing total randomness?

If you’ve read all of this I have one final thought: Go for a hike in the woods or walk through your neighborhood with your five year old self. Have yourselves an adventurous magical journey!

~ Kiddo

2018 is a Wrap!

It is a good thing that I am a fighter when need be. Most of the days in 2018 were some sort of struggle for me. Most of the time I have had at LEAST one of the following: financial struggle, mental struggle, physical struggle, emotional struggle, mental struggle (I know I already wrote that but almost every struggle is a mental struggle). I struggle with my weight,I struggle with keeping my vehicle on the road and struggle with my health as well as my determination and drive. Being in my mid-forties and single is a recipe for struggle. But I know that a lot more deserving people than I did not even live to see 2018. I’m just happy to say that I have made it through another year on my own and you know what they say: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Unless it’s Rickets…Rickets leaves a person weaker forever. So I am very thankful that in 2018 I did not get Rickets and I send positive energy to those that did. ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING! Happy New Year to everyone on the planet no matter your religion, your politics or your IQ.Thank Unis for alcohol! Cheers! Gesondheid! Gan Bei! Na zdravi! Proost! Santé! Prost! ΥΓΕΙΑ! Sláinte! Salute! 乾杯! (Kanpai!) 건배! į sveikatą! Noroc! Na zdrowie! Saúde! Будем здоровы/ На здоровье!Iechyd da!Sei gesund! Salud! Skål! (and don’t forget to look everyone in the eye)

Unis bless us…everyone!

Then and now

When I was a child my ears stuck through my hair and so I was made fun of for looking like a Mon chi chi. I thought Mon chi chi were adorable so I had one….but I thought I was ugly. I began to wear a cloth headband wide enough to cover my ears. I wore a giant rubber band at night to keep my ears flat while I slept hoping they would just stay flat. I had my mom buy freckle eraser from Avon and prayed and really believed it would work. I still have freckles to this day. When I was 14 I was permitted to get a haircut that allowed my hair to be feathered over my ears. I look back at photos I hated my entire childhood and realize that I believed what people told me rather than believing what I saw with my own eyes. When I looked in the mirror I did not see this adorable face. It is so hard for me to believe that these are the same photos I have known my entire life. I recognize the pictures but they never looked cute to me before. I was always self conscious of my looks because I never saw the truth. I walked around FEELING GROTESQUE like I should be hiding somewhere. That feeling persisted for much of my adulthood. I look back at photos from the last 45 years and can’t find an ugly one in the pile. I was 35 years old before I actually felt like I wasn’t disgusting to look at. I will be 45 years old in 1 week and sometimes wish that I could go back and live a life feeling like I wasn’t horrible to look at BUT I compensated for my looks by being clever, funny, and athletic and who knows what kind of personality I would have if I had always thought I was as adorable as I see that little girl now.

I waited 30 years for this moon

This morning I watched what I could see of the eclipsing blue super moon from the east coast of Florida. I had been waiting about 30 years for the three lunar phenomena to coincide. In August of 1980 I had become very interested in astronomy due in large part to a partial lunar eclipse that I had heard was coming up. I was intrigued by eclipses at 7 years of age and wanted an explanation as to why it was to be a partial eclipse and wanted to know if penumbral was just a fancy way of saying “partial”. I lived in a small town and my elementary school had a very decent library with librarians that would help me find out whatever I could but it wasn’t always easy. We didn’t have the most up to date encyclopedias and the astronomy selection in the science section was stocked mostly with glossy picture books about the planets. When I was 11 years old the school let us all go out and “view” the solar eclipse that occurred near the end of the 1983- 84 school year. Of course we made the standard shadow boxes and were taught to never ever look at the sun but I could NOT resist taking peaks as the sun was nearly covered by the shadow of Earth. The world around me took on a weird dimness and I felt the magic of the eclipse and understood why ancient cultures felt that eclipses were so significant. I felt a little privileged to be living in a time in which we knew the cause and the exact timing of the sun going dim but I also felt a little deprived to be living in a world without the belief that the happenings in our sky held signs and omens that shaped human events and rituals.

We had 14 eclipses in the 1980s that kept me interested in the sun and moon and their relationship with Earth. During that time I had begun studying the stars and could point out most of the well known constellations and planets to anyone that would listen to me. In central Florida where I grew up I was far away from big city lights and could clearly see the milky way like diamonds poured out across the dark velvet sky. I think at first people were slightly amused at my enthusiasm and stories about the night sky but after a few years they started to call ME when they had a question. I would get questions about something very bright or very twinkly or streaking overhead and I usually had the answers (Venus, Sirius, the Orionids meteor shower). I had learned all of my information thus far in the age before the “information super highway” or Google and had done so by visiting libraries and reading outdated books at my school. I was never too sure of my pronunciation of astronomical names and phrases because I mostly just read about them and didn’t have anyone teaching me how to say them.

There was another HUGE sky event in 80’s that had people talking and excited. Halley’s Comet came through in 1986 which was the year I turned 13 and boy did it get a lot of build up! I was pretty excited about it and couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be here for the famous comets return. I studied where and when to look and read all about Samuel Langhorne Clemens and his desire to go out with the 1910 passing of the comet because he had been born during it’s appearance in 1835. I had been spouting facts about an ancient Greek comet that had all of the characteristics of Halley’s so it MUST have been the same comet. I was so full of information that I was glad when someone would ask me about it. Apparently a lot of people including adults had the idea that it would be SUPER BRIGHT or that it would streak by like a “shooting star” and I was happy to correct this misinformation. Turns out many people were disappointed that year including myself. One of my uncles said to me “I went outside last night and didn’t see anything flying over but an airplane.” Some nights during Halley’s visit my dad would take us out into a field and let us use his gigantic binoculars to look for the comet on clear dark nights. We were able to see it but it was HARD. The binoculars were powerful and heavy which made it hard to keep them steady enough for a clear view. I tried to slow my breath and the beat of my heart. With patience I was able to get a pretty good look at the smudge of a comet in the night sky and after several nights I was able to make out that distant smudge with my naked eye! I was initially disappointed with my view of the comet and others would make comments about wasting their time or exclaim “THAT is all it is?!” when I pointed it out for them. I was able to regain my own enthusiasm for the event my giving friends and family some facts about what we were looking up at. I would say “yeah, but it is on the opposite side of the sun from us” and when they were still mumbling unimpressed I would say “Hey, it’s 39 MILLION miles away and you can SEE IT!” then someone might say “I can’t actually see it though” and I would say “focus right beside it because sometimes it easier to see when you don’t look right at it” which didn’t go over very well. One time I was trying to impress whoever was out in the dark field with me by saying “there are TWO meteor showers associated with Halley’s Comet!” and I got a couple of “cools” and an “awesome, are they happening tonight!?” I wished I could say yes but replied “uhhhhh no… but if you stay out here for awhile looking up you will see a random shooting star just like every other night.” which was followed by a long pause while we all looked up then “Ohhhhh kaaaay” This was a tough crowd. Some people seemed to be disappointed in ME because I had built the comet up over several months and they felt as if I had tricked them.

Over the years I saw people get all excited about upcoming events only to be let down at the reality so I stopped building things up for people and stopped volunteering information about things that I was interested in. If someone asked me a question I was all to happy to give them all of the information they wanted but I mostly stopped inviting people out to look at meteor showers and planets with me. I did have a few younger cousins and a couple of older cousins that would occasionally watch the night sky with me but it seemed to me that there wasn’t much room for it in the adult world. One thing that everyone still seemed to get excited about though was THE ECLIPSE. I started to think of the eclipse as the easy way to get people into my world of astronomy.

Not long after the passing of Halley’s comet I received a decent Meade telescope for Christmas. Having a telescope was amazing for me and I used it throughout the year spending many hours alone beneath the dome of the sky. My dad spent more time with me and my ‘scope than anyone else did and I will never forget the time we spent taking turns at the eye piece looking at the moon and the planets. I remember the very first thing I looked at through my telescope. My dad was with me and I was trying to follow the directions for using the new tripod to position my new telescope to view Sirius close to the horizon. It was super bright and super twinkly and very colorful. I didn’t want to spend too much time reading the manual so I grabbed the largest lens (which turns out to be the lowest magnification) and popped it into the 90 degree diagonal prism and aimed the end of my ‘scope at the big bright twinkly star figuring that it would be about the easiest thing to find. Almost right away I spotted the BIG bright scintillating light and got super excited. I was bouncing up and down on the inside but being very careful and deliberate on the outside. The image I was seeing was big and fuzzy so I started to dial the focus in….the image got BIGGER but I realized that it was also getting fuzzier so I dialed the knob the other direction. As the image sharpened it got smaller and smaller but still seemed to be twinkling even though it wasn’t as colorful. I was amazed at how alive the star appeared through the lens. I started to feel like an astronomer making a discovery because it seemed like small objects were darting in and out and around the star. I couldn’t believe what I WAS SEEING! I actually gasped aloud. I couldn’t believe it until I realized exactly what I was looking at. The end of my scope had dropped slightly and rather than being aimed at the “dog star” it was aimed and now perfectly focused on a street light about half a mile away that had moths and beetles darting around it and banging into the light. It was a really great close up of the light. I remember the feeling of being dumbfounded and nonplussed and then laughing so hard at the realization that I was looking at something on planet Earth. I let my dad have a look and we both just laughed and laughed. He told me to let that be a lesson to me. I took that to mean that perspective and focus are important and that our ideas can be changed by focus or the lack thereof without even knowing what we’re really looking at.

Me having this telescope sort of got people’s attention again. In the summer of 1989 I was 16 years old and we had a total lunar eclipse. It was a spectacular event because it went on for HOURS and it occurred a few days after the peak of the Perseid meteor shower so we saw several “shooting stars” as well. It was a warm night, we were still out of school for the summer so I had friends and family come over to look through my telescope. People always asked to come look through it whenever there was a meteor shower even though I explained that meteor showers couldn’t be viewed through a telescope. So while we were all out in the field I would let people take turns looking through my telescope. They oohed and ahhed as I aimed and focused on Saturn and it rings, or Jupiter and it’s moons or our own moon and it’s many mare and craters. I had my crowd back. I will never forget that night as long as I live. I was having conversations about eclipses and meteor showers and the comets that caused them and people were actually listening and amazed and excited like I was. I remember specifically telling people that this was one of the best eclipses so far and that I regretted that I wasn’t aware of the one in 1982 that had been an eclipse at PERIGEE that was the second full moon of the month which made it a blue moon. I told them how very rare it was and how there wouldn’t be another blue perigee lunar eclipse until I was FORTY FOUR YEARS OLD!! I couldn’t imagine how the world would be in thirty years. I had no idea where I would be but I knew that I would be watching that eclipse! I had no idea that the term “supermoon” would replace “full moon at perigee” or how I would fight that change at first before grudgingly accepting it and then coming to sorta kinda like it….even though I can’t stop myself from telling people that I had been a moon freak or “lunatic” before it was cool and that the terms supermoon and micromoon were very recent creations even though the moon has been doing those particular tricks forever.

This morning less than a month before my 45th birthday I stood alone on the balcony of a very old mansion along the Indian River as I watched the moon that I had told my crowd about 30 years ago. It was a beautiful rare blue super eclipsing moon. It was worth the wait even though from my vantage point it was setting before it reached totality. I was NOT disappointed. In fact it was better than I had come to
expect it to be for me. I thought clouds would probably block it. In recent years I have lowered my expectations which means simply that I am less disappointed with celestial events as well as terrestrial ones. Everything is amazing and wonderful. Just the fact that a round glob of goop in my face has a lens that allows light in to a bigger glob of goop in my skull which translates into images so that I can see what is happening around me even light years away is mind numbing. More mind numbing even than a street light surrounded by bugs on a cold night in Florida.

26869332_950645701762654_340252205451837440_n

26864212_154972261959876_6457181440579731456_n(1)

26867570_145707049435939_8240438779408547840_n

26868076_156692725120778_3936972988670279680_n

IMG_20180131_075334_067

scene behind me

Survival Instinct 

I think that deep down we all know that the end is THE END. That we all return to the void that we were before we were conceived. We don’t experience the void because we are not conscious. We don’t exist before conception and we won’t exist again. Otherwise why would there be the survival instinct? We can all TRY to fool ourselves into believing that we believe in an afterlife but if we do then why do we fight to stay in this life or dread death? The pain and scariness of the actual act of DYING is understandable but the terror of being dead forever is ridiculous. We weren’t ALIVE for most of time and even the oldest person’s life is short compared to the the time that they are not alive. Deep down there is a certainty that we will soon be nonexistent again. Nonexistence is the easy part but it is not enjoyable. Even pain and uncertainty are an experience. Nonexistence is the absence of experience and I can see how that can be attractive to people struggling in this life but the beauty is in the struggle. The void may seem beautiful from this side and the thought of never ever struggling again is certainly attractive but the knowledge that it is not only unavoidable but also permanent is reason enough to put it off for as long as possible. If we TRULY believed there was a future to experience after death we would not have a survival instinct that kicks in when our consciousness is threatened. We would not gasp for breath or claw our way to the surface. We would simply relax into our exit or be excited for the adventure of the next phase of existence. We wouldn’t come up with elaborate bed time stories of paradise to comfort us about death. Enjoy life because just like anyone that has ever lived or will live it’s the only one you get. This life is precious and beautiful for no other reason than that it is PRECIOUS and BEAUTIFUL and it doesn’t have to mean a thing.

Drunken Overshare

If I honestly believed that one day I would meet someone that I could honestly believe in then I would save myself. I wouldn’t be buzzing around like the only bee around to fertilize the entire field of wild flowers. I would let the wind pollinate the field so that when I finally met the flower that accepted me the way that I accept all of the plants in the meadow it would be more amazing than anything has ever been. I would spend this time preserving myself for the future that I had faith in.

If I thought it was possible to somehow interact from the very 1st meeting without any of my defense mechanisms automatically popping up it might make it easier to accept that I could be known and believed in and accepted forever. But I would have to be asleep or in a coma and I couldn’t even introduce myself.

Since I don’t believe that there is anyone out there that would cherish the comatose me I will continue to connect in the only way that I’m not concerned about rejection. Even if it doesn’t fill me with joy it distracts me from my loss of faith for a fairy tale happy ending.

I’ll just have to live with physical “happy endings” and hope that I don’t meet that unimaginably amazing person after I’m all used up and have a busted ass liver. The person that is too good to be true would love me anyway, no matter what and then I would feel just awful for ruining myself before they could know me. Welcome to Conundrum City. ~ Kiddo 9-15-2013

Fictional but realistic

   In this novel I’ve been reading the main character is bipolar but apparently a long cycle manic depressive because she doesn’t have real episodes for years and usually triggered by something specifically but builds…Anyway it is interesting to read the description of the gradual increase in energy and thought clarity and how reality starts to seem so surreal with colors bright, sounds defined and how she uses her peak time when she feels like her true self for clarity because she knows it’s definitely going to change into a muddled mess and eventually some wild fiction. The wild fiction that seems more real than reality and how she just can’t tell the difference at times and she knows that she’ll inevitably break and then have to hopefully recover. Once she knows how the progression works she can learn how to sort of slow the progression and eventual break. She even describes how it is after recovering to become quiet and more solitary and behind the scenes so that she can just stay stable. Rocking the boat at all when one is newly recovered could begin a quick spiral out of control.
   During the rest phase bipolar people know that the funny, life of the party, take life by the balls version of themselves is alone in a room somewhere inside of them just waiting for stage directions so that they can take the stage and make life energetic and interesting again.
   I think either the author of this book is manic/depressive or someone very close to them is.

Your baloney has a 1st name it’s P-H-O-N-E-Y

Sometimes I mistakenly think something is “real” because I’m always real on my end. I don’t know how or why to be any other way. Turns out no matter how real I am if the other person is less than real then nothing about us is really real. Phoney baloney isn’t bolgna. Both are gross. Reality is gross. Oh well, I guess that means that I’m gross but that doesn’t change the fact that life is beautiful or that Unis can kiss my aged ass.

Insane chances

There’ve been exactly two people in my entire life to make me crazy. Chances of that actually happening even once are insane. I’m currently more sane than I’ve ever really been. Totally comfortable and relaxed with no anticipation frothing beneath my calm surface. There is a method to my madness like when people work out so that they can enjoy food.

Exes and Arachnids…

All of my dreams last night featured exes and spiders….I don’t know which is worse. The spiders were HUGE! I’m talkin a few realllly big house spiders and wolf spiders as big as my hand hiding in a cabinet or whatever which startled me BUT ALSO spiders as big as medium sized dogs that were so thick and long leggedly quick that none of my exes could kill them. One particularly terrifying spider came from the ground. I heard a sound and I looked, and behold a pale arachnid : and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. Different exes in different dreams…different coloured of each sized spider for different exes and none of my exes could kill ANY of the spiders! …At one point I had to climb up a rungless ladder in my half swamped RV to try and retrieve my tepid old Coke that had been open for days in a cabinet above the apparently 12ft tall fridge. I swung from the swampy water kicking off with my feet and grasped with finger tips the edges of the rung holders then remembering how Stallone had to grab above his head while dangling in Cliffhanger I used my fingertips and toes to boost upward as hard as I could wrapping my toes onto the edge of the ladder frame and holding on with one arm I opened the left cabinet and inside were some VERY angry wasped that were pissed with all of my banging so I BANGED that door closed and almost fell into the murky water below. Realizing that I had opened the wrong door I opened the right door….just as I remembered that I had finished that Coke yesterday!! Out of the cabinet rushed a giant wolf spider bigger than my face!! And terror insued….I won’t even mention the hard shiny purple spider….but at the end of all of these dreams I felt very very lonely as a double couple hugged goodbye on a dock and better halves sailed away at sunset and all of my spiders and exes had disappeared and I thought “I’m sending out signals but the TV is turned off” immediately I woke up and still mostly asleep thought “Rob’s just not pickin up what I’m puttin down” then suddenly remembered that I’m not with him anymore! Lol….I haven’t awakened to remember that in over a year and this was the 1st time it made me laugh out loud!! Now I’m laying here writing in my dream journal (which you are reading) and going over all of the obvious symbolism in my head but I won’t put you through all of that!