Making Do

Are you going to love me despite who I am and allow me to love you for who you are while sharing a consensual monogamous sexually satisfying relationship?

No?

Then don’t judge me for finding ways to distract myself from that fact. If I can never have what I actually want then the rest of it doesn’t matter.

You know what I crave even more than multiple mind blowing time bending orgasms?

Parking to watch a storm roll across the inlet and laughing at the way we jump and squeal when lightning strikes and thunder booms 

Long lazy mornings reading in bed too comfortable with each other to get dressed

Trusting each other with our inner darkness and also with our light 

Finishing each other’s sentences 

Sharing the same sky

Tea on the couch

Moonlit walks

Silliness

Intimacy 

You

    ~Kiddṏ 2021

7 Year Ache

You said I would be better off without you and then I cried all night

Seven years since you gave up on us and mostly I’m proving you right

Sometimes I wanna go back through our decades together

just to take back all of the times I told you that everything was going to be okay

I must’ve been the only one that believed it anyway

I want to take back the unconditional love I gave you and all of the support

I would’ve been better off keeping those things for myself since I ended up needing them

If I could go back and deserve for you to leave me then it would at least make sense

I’d take back all of the times that I said “I love you more every single day…

no matter what you do,  no matter what you say.”

because then maybe it wouldn’t be true 

And I wouldn’t have seven years of that love growing inside of me with no one to give it to.

                    ~KiDDṏ

 

Actually if all that were possible I would just go back to 1996 and not marry you because I am NOT the type to have an ex husband. I’d prefer to be a spinster or a widow. Of course if wishes were horses then beggars would ride.

Hollow

Why is it that I can miss someone more depending on how far away they are? 

Absence is absence after all. 

So how is it that across the country feels so much further than across town?

It’s selfish to want someone to stay near just so that I can see them more.

Especially knowing that the further they are the better for them.

The truth is I have nothing they want. Not one thing they need.

I would never try to convince them otherwise…in fact I tell them that they should leave

                       ~KiDDṏ

Still Single

I can get myself off.

 

I can have wonderful conversations with friends.

 

I can go on nice long drives and hikes with buddies.

 

BUT

 

I miss kisses, cuddles, hugs and giving other people orgasms.

 

I’m a solitary chopstick

that misses being the big spoon or the little spoon.

 

Sometimes I even miss:

 

” What do you feel like for dinner?”

” I dunno, what do you want to eat?”

” I’m happy with literally anything so you pick.”

” Okay, let’s go to the Greek place by the lake.”

” I’m more in the mood for Mexican.”

” Cool, let’s go get nachos & burritos.”

“….or Italian”

“Okay, I’m good with Italian. Where should we get it from?”

 

” I dunno, I’m happy with literally anything”

~KiDD

Kiddo’s Vegan Rap

So often I hear: “Table for one?” Because that is all they sees.

So I smile politely as I say: “Yes please.”

But really for two:
Me and the ghost of who I used to beees.

I order fake alfredo and that fake cheese.

Mixed with mushrooms, onions and those sweet peas.

Only two legged animals injured in the making of this meal.

(but not the chimpanzees)

Who would’ve thought it would take so many years to heal?

(being single like a disease.)

Whether it comes out wrong or it comes out right;

I eat it all, don’t lick the plate, I finish every bite.

Pay the bill and tip well then we drive home for the night.

Snuggle my ghost beneath the covers as I close my eyes.

Struggle with no needs of another
that’s my big prize.

“Peace”

*drops the mic

~ Kiddo

Commodious

Read on a bathroom stall…

I’m nobody’s anything
except perhaps second string
certainly no one’s first choice
going days without hearing a voice
or using mine
which is fine
It’s all just white noise
so I wrote this on the bathroom stall
and snapped it with my phone
sober
because I’m no longer drinking alone.

~ Kiddo

commodious

adjective
com·mo·di·ous | \ kə-ˈmō-dē-əs \
1:comfortably or conveniently spacious :

ROOMY
as in a commodious closet
2:archaic: HANDY, SERVICEABLE

Kiddo: Roomy, HANDY, serviceable 🙂

Kiddos Tip: When ‘commodious’ is used to describe a bathroom it could be confusing…do it anyway.

2018 is a Wrap!

It is a good thing that I am a fighter when need be. Most of the days in 2018 were some sort of struggle for me. Most of the time I have had at LEAST one of the following: financial struggle, mental struggle, physical struggle, emotional struggle, mental struggle (I know I already wrote that but almost every struggle is a mental struggle). I struggle with my weight,I struggle with keeping my vehicle on the road and struggle with my health as well as my determination and drive. Being in my mid-forties and single is a recipe for struggle. But I know that a lot more deserving people than I did not even live to see 2018. I’m just happy to say that I have made it through another year on my own and you know what they say: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Unless it’s Rickets…Rickets leaves a person weaker forever. So I am very thankful that in 2018 I did not get Rickets and I send positive energy to those that did. ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING! Happy New Year to everyone on the planet no matter your religion, your politics or your IQ.Thank Unis for alcohol! Cheers! Gesondheid! Gan Bei! Na zdravi! Proost! Santé! Prost! ΥΓΕΙΑ! Sláinte! Salute! 乾杯! (Kanpai!) 건배! į sveikatą! Noroc! Na zdrowie! Saúde! Будем здоровы/ На здоровье!Iechyd da!Sei gesund! Salud! Skål! (and don’t forget to look everyone in the eye)

Unis bless us…everyone!

I DON’T like feeling RANTY

I have been feeling ranty lately. I swear if you talk to me for more than 10mins on any subject I am going to go off on a related rant. Possibly even an unrelated one. I DON”T LIKE THAT. I don’t want to be a ranter. I like being the joker, the problem solver, the nurturer, the encourager. I am the one that points out the POSITIVE!! I am about to go off on a rant about what’s wrong with ME!  no, I will spare you. I have just been feeling frustrated and tired from trying to figure everything out on my own for lo, these many years and my list of things that need replacing in my household or on my car keeps getting longer. I even need a few things fixed on my body!! I guess ranting is more acceptable than weeping these days. I’m a natural frustrated weeper but that is more annoying to others than ranting. I am trying to catch myself pre-rant. Do yourself a favor and just don’t get me started.

Good talk ~Kiddo

I Chose This

I don’t want to be forty four, I don’t want to be a hundred and sixty five pounds, I don’t want to work fifty hours a week just to barely make ends meet and I don’t want to have a very fucked up spine. I don’t want to. If I had a time machine I could go back and make different decisions that would not result in my current situation. I COULD make different decisions but you know what? I probably wouldn’t. I could have easily avoided becoming forty four, or becoming one hundred and sixty five pounds, I could have avoided every situation that led up to me just getting back into the workforce after 15 years. I could’ve chosen to sit on the sidelines in sports and life therefore not destroying my spine. I could have punked out. I made decisions every day that cultivated this. I tended the garden that produced this. I own this. I have lived every single one of my 16,252 days. I chose this.

Drunken Overshare

If I honestly believed that one day I would meet someone that I could honestly believe in then I would save myself. I wouldn’t be buzzing around like the only bee around to fertilize the entire field of wild flowers. I would let the wind pollinate the field so that when I finally met the flower that accepted me the way that I accept all of the plants in the meadow it would be more amazing than anything has ever been. I would spend this time preserving myself for the future that I had faith in.

If I thought it was possible to somehow interact from the very 1st meeting without any of my defense mechanisms automatically popping up it might make it easier to accept that I could be known and believed in and accepted forever. But I would have to be asleep or in a coma and I couldn’t even introduce myself.

Since I don’t believe that there is anyone out there that would cherish the comatose me I will continue to connect in the only way that I’m not concerned about rejection. Even if it doesn’t fill me with joy it distracts me from my loss of faith for a fairy tale happy ending.

I’ll just have to live with physical “happy endings” and hope that I don’t meet that unimaginably amazing person after I’m all used up and have a busted ass liver. The person that is too good to be true would love me anyway, no matter what and then I would feel just awful for ruining myself before they could know me. Welcome to Conundrum City. ~ Kiddo 9-15-2013

Geocaching – fun hobby

Need an interesting hobby that will not only exercise your body but also your mind? Not everyone is familiar with Geocaching but it’s a real-world, outdoor treasure hunting game using GPS-enabled devices. Participants navigate to a specific set of GPS coordinates and then attempt to find the geocache (container) hidden at that location. Participants come up with a cool or clever profile name and register at https://www.geocaching.com then begin their hide and seek adventures. Our FLorida4ce started out Geocaching in October 2005 because my parents got us into it. I homeschooled our kids and felt like this was an excellent way to learn so many things about problem solving, navigation, teamwork, determination and disappointment as well as learning about nature and enjoying all that the outdoors gives us. Our team was my husband, myself and our two sons, hence the “4 ” in FLorida4ce. We really had a LOT of fun especially in 2009 when we all had a lot of time to find caches as a family.

After all of the construction stopped in our area my husband had to switch careers and out of necessity changed from running a land survey crew to being an over the road truck driver. With my husband out of town a lot we didn’t get to cache much because we wanted to stay a team. Eventually we stopped caching at all. In 2013 my husband left us without much of a warning and as you can imagine that was a huge disruption in our lives. I went from being a stay at home mom to working 3rd shift in an industrial laundry and teaching yoga and fitness classes mornings and evenings in a few local gyms and studios. I didn’t have much free time. Anytime we would think about Geocaching we just didn’t do it because I was either too tired or didn’t have time to sync the cache locations from the website to our GPS. We were also reminded of all the good times we had as a four person team. Even our caching handle reminded us that someone was missing.

Currently I am gone for work about 60 hours a week and do not have a lot of time for family or anything else. My sons are now 18 and 21 and I try to come up with activities to do together since we’re all busy a lot. For two years I’ve gotten us annual passes to Universal and that’s a blast but I also wanted to have a less expensive activity that we could do without having to drive for hours. We just recently got back into Geocaching and it is so much easier now because of smart phones and the app to follow instead of loading a few caches into a GPS from the desktop computer. Now there is no need to go back to the computer to log our finds either. Everything can be done on the go.

In the past several weeks we decided to take the leap from just finding to HIDING! We have gotten great responses from the people that are finding our caches. We try to make caches that we would’ve loved to come across when the kids were younger. We try to make sure the hides are in places with terrific views in areas that have parks or picnic areas so that other cachers can not only find a cache but also a new place to enjoy even when they’re not on the hunt! WE LOVE the logs that other participants post when they find our caches and really love the photos that they are sharing!

I am having a good time Geocaching even with all of the changes in my personal life. We don’t have our original team anymore and my older son hasn’t gone out with us yet since we got back into it but he is still part of the team as a consultant until he gets time to join in. My younger son often goes along with me and usually my girlfriend and her super sweet dog Lady comes along with us too. Even if I go it alone I have a feeling that this hobby is going to be part of what keeps me active as I deal with this aging broken body. I adore weather and the sky and scenery and geocaching takes me right out into it.

Check it out, you don’t have to become a part of the geocaching community but if you choose to you can communicate with other cachers on the site and nowadays they even have geocaching events and gatherings. We haven’t gone to any of the events but we’re thinking about it – HAPPY GEOCACHING!!

boardwalk

Boardwalk where one of our caches is hidden

bht

Jetty nearby one of our caches

treasure

View from one of our caches

treasure map

The treasure map I created for participants to follow

I miss making love

One of the biggest things I miss about being in a relationship is making love. I still get to have as much sex as the average Jo but it lacks the connection one gets with someone they’re in a relationship with. The sex is great and I wouldn’t want to live without it but it’s definitely lacking some intimacy. I also miss giving and receiving massages and making a special dinner for a special someone.  BUT today I put fresh linens on my king size bed (is it king sized or king size? Does it matter?  Is it meant to be hyphenated?) and now I am soaking in a hot bath and using Nivea’s in shower lotion to shave and moisturize. Sliding between clean sheets with ultra smooth skin tonight will be DELICIOUS! Not as delicious as making love and not quite as nice as really good sex but definitely a close third. Tonight it’s all I’ve got so I’m going to make the most of it.

image

My season of poor choices

     Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of my divorce. Such a nice Thanksgiving family memory. Today, Black Friday, is the anniversary of me first hooking up with my ex-girlfriend. It’s the season of my poor choices. What a great reminder to make better decisions or just skip the relationships all together for awhile and enjoy being alone for the holidays. Life may be more lonely alone but the logistics are certainly less complicated.

     Still, I’ve gotta squeeze in more cardio because my goal for 2016 is to find an amazing girlfriend with perfect tits and the libido of a 35 to 42 yr old woman. I’m gonna need to shed fifteen pounds to attract anyone at all and I must keep my endurance up so that I can keep her satisfied once I’ve found her.

      Another option which allows me to thoroughly enjoy one of my other appetites is to just say forget the human relationships and really commit to my food fetish. It’s definitely the season to indulge in delicious food and drink but ARRRGH I’m trying to work on making better choices! If only I could see the future and know which decision would be the most fulfilling. With that I’m going for my run while I mull it over. Maybe Unis will send me a sign….or a hottie.

Blame it on free sample carts

I wish all of you self-proclaimed gurus would make up your minds. Should I get back out there or enjoy some “me time”? You know what I like during my “me time”? Head. Lots of it. Riddle me that Batman.

Some people blame the rain that was fallin fallin, some people blame the moon or the night, while some blame it all on their roots. I blame the free sample stations at club warehouse stores for my dating style. So many different flavors to be enjoyed in adorable little sample sizes. Similar to online dating some sample carts even have 2 products to try – one to eat and one to drink. Also like with dating there are more free samples available on the weekend. I’m known for buying everything that I sample at Sam’s Club but I’m trying to NOT carry that habit into my personal life. It’s hard because when I like something I want to take it back to my place. The struggle is real.

Blame it on the Rain

Blame it on the Moon

Blame it on the Night

Blame it on my Roots