A part of it all – apart from it all.
Strolling along the border of land, sea and sky
with one bare foot on solid ground,
one foot in the water
and my head in the clouds
while watching
Shiny Happy People
holding hands
Shiny Happy People
laughing.
Or is it just an R.E.M. cycle?
Are you going to love me despite who I am and allow me to love you for who you are while sharing a consensual monogamous sexually satisfying relationship?
No?
Then don’t judge me for finding ways to distract myself from that fact. If I can never have what I actually want then the rest of it doesn’t matter.
You know what I crave even more than multiple mind blowing time bending orgasms?
Parking to watch a storm roll across the inlet and laughing at the way we jump and squeal when lightning strikes and thunder booms
Long lazy mornings reading in bed too comfortable with each other to get dressed
Trusting each other with our inner darkness and also with our light
Finishing each other’s sentences
Sharing the same sky
Tea on the couch
Moonlit walks
Silliness
Intimacy
You
~Kiddṏ 2021
It’s not you it’s me.
I’m only interested in those that literally say
“I’m not available”
&
“I could never be with a woman “
&
“I want someone with loads of money”
&
“My house is nicer so I’m going home”
So apparently
I AM
the picky one
~ Kiddṏ 2021
It may sound crazy, and I wouldn’t say this to just anyone but this intense post (minor) surgical pain is kinda the perfect pain.
Impossible to ignore making it very apparent that I have experienced something. There is an intense pain about the size of a fist in the lowest part of my stomach just above my pubic bone.
There are also some serious hot cramps radiating from that clenched fist upward to my navel and back to my asshole. A know-it-all cramp index finger pointing out the obvious (There’s your navel…there’s your asshole… navel…asshole etc.)
The worst menstrual cramps ever but not as intense as natural childbirth.
This experience is WIDE AWAKE but also drowsy and snuggly. The pain is sharp enough to keep me floating right on the edge of that beautiful sleep sea.
Floating mostly in the DELICIOUS drowsy layer of fog that floats just between the waves and the sky of consciousness.
In and out of reality is bliss.
I am so happy that I am not nauseous and that I am not bleeding much. Thankful that my body is fast at work casting it’s magical healing spell. I think Imma gonna make it. The intense pain is more preferable to me than nausea, vomiting, or heavy bleeding.
So far, I give this endometrial ablation a 5 out of 5 star rating…geez I guess I have been doing Google reviews too much 😛
Not that anyone asked me…
~Kiddṏ
It sucks to realize that the fun always positive personality that people love isn’t your personality
and it sucks when people see your seclusion as you being a selfish bitch
in reality you’re just doing the best you can to keep getting up and going to work everyday
sometimes everything else is too much
how can I even tell what my true personality is
when I am constantly being pulled between
one exhausting pole and the other exhausting pole?
I’m the little flag tied in the middle of the Tug O’ War rope
I really just want to stay in the middle but
sometimes I’m closer to Manic Light Laser Show
and sometimes I’m closer to Deep Dark Tar Pit
it seems as if I have absolutely zero control of it
what is the suicidal equivalent of mouth watering?
escape so close I can taste it
the many methods of release playing so vividly in my mind
like a delicious smorgasbord before a starving man
I feel like this time it is closer than it’s ever been
lately, I have even been avoiding situations that would easily facilitate the final act
but
you know the moment when you know something can’t be avoided?
like the certainty that puking is inevitable
when you wake up queasy with that pre-puke saliva
already pooling in the bottom of your mouth?
is it just a matter of time?
should it not be fought?
usually you feel better if you just go ahead and puke
you know when you have the urge to say something that you shouldn’t
it’s on the tip of your tongue
you just have to keep saying to yourself
“don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it”
until you get past it
but sometimes you blurt it out anyway?
that’s where I am at
for no reason at all
other than that’s where I am
it’s on the tip of my tongue
I can taste it
I can feel myself opening my mouth
to say it
but keep repeating in my head
“don’t do it don’t do it.”
I am waiting it out
until I feel happy to be alive and excited again
the happiness and excitement will return on their own
for the exact reason that I am struggling with the darkness now
and it ISN’T about red or blue or the flu
last month I was thrilled at every little breeze and cloud and raindrop
now I just can’t wait to get into bed
no reason
which is the worst!
there is no reasoning with no reason
but I always manage to wait it out
that’s what is expected of me
so that’s what I am trying to do
again
it feels like I am breathing through a dirty pillowcase
I don’t want to talk about it
people don’t want to hear it
so I lie when I manage to pick up the phone
they ask how I’m doing and I’m always “GREAT!”
faking it till I’m making it is easier on the phone
sounding okay from the depths is hard
impossible if someone is truly listening
probably because of the echoes
trying to sound cheerful or normal while trapped
under a dark evil anvil makes me sound irritated or impatient
so avoidance really is easier on everyone
left to my own devices and vices…
unsupervised & working it out on my own
behaving recklessly while hyper is quite different than reckless behavior when I am low
behaving erratically with a feeling of excitement and joy is exhilarating
behaving erratically with a sense of hopeless “fuck everything” feels angry
then sad
one is certainly more fun than the other but they are equally dangerous
jumping off of a cliff with a goofy grin on my face to prove that I can fly
versus
driving straight into a wall with clenched teeth to prove I don’t give a fuck
come to the same conclusion
the end
~Kiddṏ
In my head I’m always writing things to you that I will never
send and then also in my head explaining to you what I
wrote but didn’t send.
Like writing :
“Let’s just say that between the two of you
I would have more fun watching paint dry
with one than getting naked at the
beach and slippery in the surf and then eating insanely delicious
tacos at that Taco Spot on the beach then taking
A1A up the entire south east coast of the state through
all the little beach access towns and ocean avenues
with the other of you.”
Then explaining (also in my head):
“Yeah. I’d trade the day I had today for watching paint dry.
I really would, even though there was a blue storm
a few miles inland while I was naked in the water
with rumbling thunder and distant lightning. Plus, the tacos
were ridiculously delicious at the beach side restaurant.
Also, there are a LOT of magnificent trees, fountains
and ocean views along the scenic route we took back home.
The day was sofa king gorgeous. I wish you could have felt it.
Especially the cool sea breeze from the open windows
with the truck AC blasting on sun warmed skin.”
I’ll leave it up to you to decide who’s who.
So yeah, I’d rather spend time with you than to have sex
and I REALLY enjoy sex. In fact I think it’s one of the top three
reasons to be alive. The other two reasons are, of course,
eating and the one hundred percent innocent non carnal
pure joy I feel from seeing Luna in all of her fullness just
above the horizon or a big bunch of darkening cumulus
clouds or watching a thunderstorm churning the waters at
the inlet or experiencing a meteor streak across the sky so
close I feel like I can reach up and grab it.
I feel guilty for feeling so strongly even though it ISN’T a
bad thing. I can’t help how I feel but I can keep it to myself
by keeping these conversations with you in my head.
My feelings are not your problem.
Don’t even get me started on your dream visitations.
I’m pretty sure you are fully aware of what you are doing there.
~Kiddṏ
Like winter whiskey and summer sex,
I enjoy how just the scent of you makes me feel
Without even a taste my eyes glaze, my tummy tickles,
my mouth waters for that which tastes like coming home
Each of you give me the opportunity to train myself,
to harness my carnal urges and abstain from even thoughts
It’s not your fault anymore than Whiskey or Sex
Fire water, heated intercourse and your presence
my reaction to each of you blamed on my own thirst
Individually strong intoxicants that cloud my mind
the combination of the three of you would kill me
I would die with a smile of pleasure upon my face
finding myself home at last and finally totally free
Old me gone and new me awakened into the light
~ Kiddṏ
Tanha literally means “thirst,” and is commonly translated as craving or desire.
Pāli: Taṇhā, तण्हा
Sanskrit: tṛṣṇā, trishna तृष्णा
Pali: kama-tanha (sense-craving)
Also referred to as craving for “sensuality” or “sensual pleasures”
This is a craving for sense objects which provide pleasant feeling, or craving for sensory pleasures
Laying on my bed watching the delicious heavy rain’s got me thinking about how the 1st thing you do when you snuggle up against them is kiss the back of their neck
you just do
if there’s long wavy hair in the way you bury your face into the lightly scented depths until your lips meet their nape
then you apply one firm smooch to the base
then a very gentle light-as-a-breath one a little higher up
as you firmly but fleetingly press your pelvis forward into the ripeness of their warm cheeks
and you tighten then slightly release your arms
Unless you’re snuggling a friend
(Which means that you refrain from pressing your pelvis into their cheeks after the neck kisses of course)
then you just lay there snuggled up and experience the rain together
~KiDDṏ
So many delicious days & nights of perfect snuggle weather.
“And if you can’t be with the one you love honey
snug the one you’re with, snug the one you’re with,
snug the one you’re with, snug the one you’re with.”
I’m happy to have lived through more times wishing that they would never end
than times wishing that they would
~KiDDṏ
Gorgeous January morning in Florida
click HERE for a short video of me accompanied by Norah Jones’ Sunrise
I’m sure that it would make me uncomfortable if anyone ever tried to put me first.
Hell, maybe someone already has and I successfully resisted that pointless horse shit.
The only 1st I can actually enjoy are 1st place ribbons I earn myself.
Whether it be through foot races, spelling bees or science fairs I enjoy becoming 1st through my own efforts.
Other than that I’d much rather put everyone else before me even if they haven’t earned it.
So, would I like someone else to make my wants and desires a priority?
Like the owl with the Tootsie Pop: The world may never know.
~ Kiddo
Warning: Don’t casually touch me. My flesh is thirsty
~KiDDṏ
So often I hear: “Table for one?” Because that is all they sees.
So I smile politely as I say: “Yes please.”
But really for two:
Me and the ghost of who I used to beees.
I order fake alfredo and that fake cheese.
Mixed with mushrooms, onions and those sweet peas.
Only two legged animals injured in the making of this meal.
(but not the chimpanzees)
Who would’ve thought it would take so many years to heal?
(being single like a disease.)
Whether it comes out wrong or it comes out right;
I eat it all, don’t lick the plate, I finish every bite.
Pay the bill and tip well then we drive home for the night.
Snuggle my ghost beneath the covers as I close my eyes.
Struggle with no needs of another
that’s my big prize.
“Peace”
*drops the mic
~ Kiddo
Falling in love instantly at the impersonal touch.
Keeping my face matter of fact
Listening I nod as you move me this way & that
on the inside I am purring & arching my back.
Whether being checked for bunions at fifty or headlice at seven
the hands upon me feel as if they are giving rather than taking.
Like heaven.
Instantly and forever but just a little
In love
~Kiddo
When I am experiencing anxiety: My mind knows nothing is going to happen but can’t stop thinking “But what if it does?!”
When I am experiencing an unrequited crush: My mind knows nothing is going to happen but can’t stop thinking “But what if it does?!”
~KiDDṏ
Feelings that I do not intend to use
nothing to gain
but what is there to lose?
Delectable flutterings like a tasty crave
difficult to manage
trying to get my thoughts to behave.
Dazed, preoccupied and distracted,
scenes involuntarily imagined
unable to be redacted.
Slight control of my delicious dreams,
less than usual,
maybe that’s just the way that it seems.
Perhaps my effort is merely token,
a sham of an endeavor,
to cease dreaming of things emphatically left unspoken.
Can it even be done?
Please do not teach me.
That would be less fun.
Dallying with the consciously unthought
we drift through my nocturnal illusion
where deed and sentiment are less fraught.
Serendipitous pleasures I don’t want to miss
I won’t learn how to quit
Ignorance is such delicious bliss.
~KiDDṏ
(Excerpt from my childhood)
…“It’s raining! It’s raining!” I shout gleefully “Can we go play in the rain Mamma?!”
“Let’s go!” Mamma stands up with Sarah as the next song starts and she boogies over to the door singing “If you got the money honey, I got the time!”
Mama opens the door and Stephen jumps from the top step with his towel cape flying behind him and I stand on the second step holding my face up to the sun and the rain to enjoy this “sun shower’ before leaping into it. Mamma and Sarah join us on the grass and we dance around in the spring rain that smells like orange blossoms from the grove next to our trailer. It seems the sun shower is about to fizzle out but then Mamma shouts, “Wooo! Woo woo woo!” and starts popping her mouth with her left hand and nodding her head up and down and rhythmically tapping first one and then the other of her bare feet on the wet ground. “Wooo! Woo woo woo! Woo! woo woo woo!” She continues this as she begins to move in a circle and Stephen and I follow suit when we realize that she is doing her “Indian rain dance”.
“Woo woo woo woo!” we are all dancing following Mamma in a slow circle. We kids start to improvise and make this dance our own. I add a few spins to my my dance first one direction and then the other and Stephen adds his own rain call which is a higher pitched vocalization after about every third set of 4 woos. We all have our heads back calling up to the clouds requesting more rain and it works as usual. Soon we are all drenched by a cool downpour as the deluge starts in earnest. I love the cleansing rain and am so happy that Mamma decided to dance up a storm. We break from the circle and all dance around the yard catching raindrops in our mouths until thunder starts to rumble across the sky. Lightning flashes in the distance and we all know that signals a temporary end to our outside dancing and we head straight for the door. The wind picks up and as Mamma opens the door it is snatched from her hand and slams into the trailer making us all squeal and laugh. As we get inside Mamma turns off the radio and tells us to take off our wet clothes and then wraps each of us in a towel and plops us in a row on the couch.
“Now be still and be quiet. Daddy will be home soon and I am fixing to start supper. You know lightning is attracted to loud kids and wiggle worms.”
We definitely know that. We sit still and quiet listening to the thunder as it really starts to boom. The lightning keeps flashing so bright I start to see spots. It’s like God has the flashbulb attachment on his Polaroid and we are posing for Him. Stephen is on one end of the couch and I’m on the other with Sarah wide-eyed in the middle.
I whisper to Sarah, “It’s okay Sarah, the lightning will leave us alone if we are very quiet and don’t move.” I lean back against the cushion and monitor the storms sounds as it ratchets up and then starts to wind down almost as quickly as it started. I’m starting to feel pretty sure that we are going to be safe and my eyes are beginning to feel heavy. Mixed in with the rumbling thunder are sounds of Mamma opening and closing the icebox and of her getting out pots and pans. The smell of Mamma’s cooking wafts from the kitchen as the thunderstorm sounds further and further away outside and I fall asleep right there wrapped in a towel like a caterpillar in a cocoon.
~ Kiddo
seeking solace in the horizon of life and beyond
Updates on current Projects at the Siena Art Institute in Siena, Italy. For more info visit our website www.sienaart.org
Poetry and words
Doing What Makes My Soul Shine
writing is sorrow; having had written is sublime
in search of a better us
Fighting Depression, Anxiety, and Self-Harm
Subtitles: Kiddo's Korner, Spinach in Your Mamma's Smile, Mutterings of a Mad Woman, Don't Mention It, Never Argue with an Idiot , Lord Beer Me Strength, Random Thoughts, You Don't Have To Thank Me (It's What I Do) and UNNECESSARY CAPITALIZATION.
MY TAKE ON LIFE.
Mind • Body • Life
A collection of nonsensical words thrown together
adventures of sadie and momma
A "How to Thrive" Guide After Divorce
A Hopefully Formerly Depressed Human Vows To Practice Self-Approval
Not That Anyone Asked Me... 