LOL Unis

Lol Unis! I was in the shower and Pandora was playing and then the song changed and I sang along changing the “he’s” to “she’s” of course…

“Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
she’s a loser, but she still keeps on tryin’

Unlucky in love, least that’s what they say
She lost her head and she gambled her heart away
She still keeps searching though there’s nothing left
Staked her heart and lost, now she has to pay the cost”

..and then I said “yeah Beeyotch! Let me introduce myself” and laughed my carefree ‘I don’t give a damn’ laugh then shaved my legs even though no one will ever notice.
  
   I half expected Alone Again, Naturally to come on next but Unis dropped that ball

True stories…

Through the steam I found myself flirting with my seductive shower head and it’s not even detachable

My left knee sports a big blue tender sex bruise while the bunion on my right foot pulses with a hot throbbing ache.

Random Wednesday Night in the Life of a Random Middle-aged Nympho involves a home hair dye kit and a bottle of wine from Publix.

Things they don’t tell you…

    Greetings from my hot but no longer scalding (like my body tepid but no longer warm) soak in the tub. My unscented bubbles are fizzling out. I’m sitting here with a ladies disposable razor gently floating from my hand while letting a realization sink in: I shave my armpits by braille.  
  
   Over the last couple of years my vision of close up objects has started to blur. I’ve started the stereotypical upward stretching of the brows, the widening of the eyes and the pulling of objects away from my face to focus on things at hand. I’ve naturally begun compensating for the gradual decline in focus but hadn’t realized until just now that it’s progressed as far as it has.
     
      This very bath while shaving my arpmits I thought “why am I even looking when I can’t tell anything at all?” That’s when I was struck by a realization: I was running my index finger along my flesh along with the razor to tell if there was stubble. I couldn’t see with my eyes if I had shaved every spot. The only way I know if my pits are shaved is by feel.

    There are certainly things that our elders neglect to mention. Maybe I will start a new series: “Things They Failed to Mention.”

Nonense…

Random almost audible quotes from in my head tonight
   “My girlfriend’s stairs were nearly my downfall” …. (“Seriously,” I just almost audibly thought )

SELF-proclaimmmmed “World’s Greatest Gourmet Sandwich”  (and I got it with the delightfully exotic bread substitute LETTUCE. And still.)

“Mutha Fuckin Sonovabitch….why the FUUUCK would they change the color scheme in the android messaging app to fuckin’ orange?! It was PERFECT with the blue tones now we got ‘Google oraNGE!?!?! What genius subjects us to this?!” (That’s a self-proclaimed  ‘paraphrase’)

“Fuck” (EXACT quote)

Brain Tea, sirs…

I got this book as a gift from my girlfriend. Everytime I pick it up to do a puzzle I think that the picture on the front is a happy bowl of ramen noodles. Didn’t really think anything about that odd fact until today. I wondered why a bowl of ramen was on the cover of a brain teaser book because that’s not even brain food. Then I had my “ah ha DOH!” moment. I feel like I failed the puzzle book on something that’s not even meant to be a puzzle!

image

Stupidest thing ever…

Imagine, just for a moment, being a miracle,sure
A miracle that’s just just waiting to occur.
Overflowing with the essence of thee
manifestation that was meant to be.
The unfulfilled extraordinary
event that was pure destiny.
How wonder-us-ly imagined
yet a miracle unenlivened
Why imagine it yo
do you not know
that it
is so
?
***********************************************
And I DON’T CARE for rhyming poetry mostly
unless it’s a tight rap. I can’t decide if rhyming is super simple and lame orrrr ultra challenging & genius to find words to express your meaning but also happen to rhyme.

Unis’s gauntlet…

    Sometimes the universe throws a gauntlet down right in front of me. I can turn around, go around or accept the challenge. Today I say

        ” Yo Unis, let’s do this”

    If you have any doubt the universe is female let me point out that anything so intricately organized yet totally random and ultra nourishing but can squash you in a wink must be female.

        “Hey Unis, next time you got me jumpin through hoops let’s do it on roller skates!”

Rub a dub dub…

RUB A DUB DUB
—————
Alone in my tub
Hands too busy to scrub

‘Cause every pass puff puff
Is from my right to my luft

But the right hand doesn’t know
What the left one’s doin’ yo

That’s the trick
When the suds are thick

I got lotsa bubbles
That cover my troubles

And suds that totally hide
My slippery slide