Overheard in a bar

Thoughts of The Little Flag Tied in the Middle of the Tug O’ War Rope

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It sucks to realize that the fun always positive personality that people love isn’t your personality

and it sucks when people see your seclusion as you being a selfish bitch

in reality you’re just doing the best you can to keep getting up and going to work everyday 

sometimes everything else is too much

how can I even tell what my true personality is 

when I am constantly being pulled between 

one exhausting pole and the other exhausting pole?

I’m the little flag tied in the middle of the Tug O’ War rope 

I really just want to stay in the middle but 

sometimes I’m closer to Manic Light Laser Show 

and sometimes I’m closer to Deep Dark Tar Pit 

it seems as if I have absolutely zero control of it 

what is the suicidal equivalent of mouth watering?

escape so close I can taste it

the many methods of release playing so vividly in my mind 

like a delicious smorgasbord before a starving man

I feel like this time it is closer than it’s ever been

lately, I have even been avoiding situations that would easily facilitate the final act

but

you know the moment when you know something can’t be avoided?

like the certainty that puking is inevitable

when you wake up queasy with that pre-puke saliva

already pooling in the bottom of your mouth? 

is it  just a matter of time? 

should it not be fought? 

usually you feel better if you just go ahead and puke

you know when you have the urge to say something that you shouldn’t

it’s on the tip of your tongue 

you just have to keep saying to yourself 

“don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it”

until you get past it 

but sometimes you blurt it out anyway?

that’s where I am at

for no reason at all 

other than that’s where I am 

it’s on the tip of my tongue

I can taste it

I can feel myself opening my mouth

to say it 

but keep repeating in my head

“don’t do it don’t do it.” 

I am waiting it out

until I feel happy to be alive and excited again 

the happiness and excitement will return on their own 

for the exact reason that I am struggling with the darkness now

and it ISN’T about red or blue or the flu

last month I was thrilled at every little breeze and cloud and raindrop

now I just can’t wait to get into bed 

no reason

which is the worst! 

there is no reasoning with no reason

but I always manage to wait it out

that’s what is expected of me

so that’s what I am trying to do

again

it feels like I am breathing through a dirty pillowcase 

I don’t want to talk about it

people don’t want to hear it 

so I lie when I manage to pick up the phone

they ask how I’m doing and I’m always “GREAT!”

faking it till I’m making it is easier on the phone 

sounding okay from the depths is hard

impossible if someone is truly listening

probably because of the echoes 

trying to sound cheerful or normal while trapped

under a dark evil anvil makes me sound irritated or impatient

so avoidance really is easier on everyone 

left to my own devices and vices…

unsupervised & working it out on my own

behaving recklessly while hyper is quite different than reckless behavior when I am low  

behaving erratically with a feeling of excitement and joy is exhilarating 

behaving erratically with a sense of hopeless “fuck everything” feels angry

then sad

one is certainly more fun than the other but they are equally dangerous

jumping off of a cliff with a goofy grin on my face to prove that I can fly

versus 

driving straight into a wall with clenched teeth to prove I don’t give a fuck

come to the same conclusion

the end

                                               ~Kiddṏ

7 Year Ache

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You said I would be better off without you and then I cried all night

Seven years since you gave up on us and mostly I’m proving you right

Sometimes I wanna go back through our decades together

just to take back all of the times I told you that everything was going to be okay

I must’ve been the only one that believed it anyway

I want to take back the unconditional love I gave you and all of the support

I would’ve been better off keeping those things for myself since I ended up needing them

If I could go back and deserve for you to leave me then it would at least make sense

I’d take back all of the times that I said “I love you more every single day…

no matter what you do,  no matter what you say.”

because then maybe it wouldn’t be true 

And I wouldn’t have seven years of that love growing inside of me with no one to give it to.

                    ~KiDDṏ

 

Actually if all that were possible I would just go back to 1996 and not marry you because I am NOT the type to have an ex husband. I’d prefer to be a spinster or a widow. Of course if wishes were horses then beggars would ride.

Still Single

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I can get myself off.

 

I can have wonderful conversations with friends.

 

I can go on nice long drives and hikes with buddies.

 

BUT

 

I miss kisses, cuddles, hugs and giving other people orgasms.

 

I’m a solitary chopstick

that misses being the big spoon or the little spoon.

 

Sometimes I even miss:

 

” What do you feel like for dinner?”

” I dunno, what do you want to eat?”

” I’m happy with literally anything so you pick.”

” Okay, let’s go to the Greek place by the lake.”

” I’m more in the mood for Mexican.”

” Cool, let’s go get nachos & burritos.”

“….or Italian”

“Okay, I’m good with Italian. Where should we get it from?”

 

” I dunno, I’m happy with literally anything”

~KiDDṏ

Horny for Snuggles

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Laying on my bed watching the delicious heavy rain’s got me thinking about how the 1st thing you do when you snuggle up against them is kiss the back of their neck

you just do

if there’s long wavy hair in the way you bury your face into the lightly scented depths until your lips meet their nape

then you apply one firm smooch to the base

then a very gentle light-as-a-breath one a little higher up

as you firmly but fleetingly press your pelvis forward into the ripeness of their warm cheeks

and you tighten then slightly release your arms

Unless you’re snuggling a friend

(Which means that you refrain from pressing your pelvis into their cheeks after the neck kisses of course)

then you just lay there snuggled up and experience the rain together

       ~KiDDṏ

 

So many delicious days & nights of perfect snuggle weather.

“And if you can’t be with the one you love honey
snug the one you’re with, snug the one you’re with,
snug the one you’re with, snug the one you’re with.”

Friend Zoned (Spoken word)

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You say don’t say or even think things

but then YOU say things that make me think things

Unintentional teasing is not the most delicious torture ever

SEEMINGLY unintentional teasing is…

 

so I’m pretending that you HAVE to know

what you are doing to me

 

Unable to always CONTROL
my thoughts or feelings

I’m managing my actions
so you’ll just have to

be happy (deprived) with that

Maybe BECAUSE certain experiences are taboo

under your guidelines…

 

I’m catching myself

drinking YOU in with my eyes

Silently gasping at a flicker of flesh

my mind playing vivid movies of what

I could be doing to you from this angle

with you in the exact POSITION that

you’re in now

…ughhhh

 

YOUR body so casual and close

but feeling like an overdose

 

Attempting to reign in my thoughts

and being successful

for moments at a time

 

I can’t help loving the consolation prizes my mind

provides itself in commiseration

with my FLESH for the gifts it can’t give you

 

prizes SO graphic and specific
that I know exactly

how far my fingers would
reach around and down

if my hungry palms PERFECTLY cupped the exposed

sections of your sides just above your hips…

from behind

…grrrr

 

FOR me just the thoughts will have to do

is it my imagination or can you see us too?

Tasting you so fully with all of MY senses

except the most delicious aspect

of taste which is TOUCH.

 

OBVIOUSLY,

 

touch is what I’m CRAVING so much

even as I control the urge

 

tingling MY hairs stand up

but instead of goose bumps

my arms and neck are textured by

tiny

little

throbbing

clits

 

…fffuuuuu

 

Keeping things proper,

my face calm, voice light.

My LUST hidden

Saved up FOR later tonight

 

Life is for PLEASURE even if I

have to pleasure myself

 

AND like a ride is more exciting

with both peaks and valleys

 

now I’m thinking of your peaks and valleys

…shhht

 

and of riding

*sigh*

 

PASSION for anyone or anything

is exciting even if unrequited

and makes life more fascinating

 

I thank Unis FOR what I do get…

the things that are real

as well as the visions that are not (yet)

 

I find LIFE. pleasing when I am with you

as I have from the start

 

from a platonic overnight STAY,

to a conversation by phone or by text

I enjoy it all even realizing that NOTHING could be next

 

Knowing not if we will EVER talk again.

This all COULD be over, come to an end

finished between the rising of the sun

and the setting of the moon.

Whenever it is over will feel much too soon

 

So for now I’m letting it BE

 

enjoying the tidbits I get

never pushing unless prompted to

 

Probably BETTER for you

 

That I keep MY hands to myself

and just enjoy the gorgeous view

 

from the FRIEND. zone

~KiDDṏ

1st place

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I’m sure that it would make me uncomfortable if anyone ever tried to put me first.

Hell, maybe someone already has and I successfully resisted that pointless horse shit.

The only 1st I can actually enjoy are 1st place ribbons I earn myself.

Whether it be through foot races, spelling bees or science fairs I enjoy becoming 1st through my own efforts.

Other than that I’d much rather put everyone else before me even if they haven’t earned it.

So, would I like someone else to make my wants and desires a priority?

Like the owl with the Tootsie Pop: The world may never know.
~ Kiddo

Kiddo’s Vegan Rap

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So often I hear: “Table for one?” Because that is all they sees.

So I smile politely as I say: “Yes please.”

But really for two:
Me and the ghost of who I used to beees.

I order fake alfredo and that fake cheese.

Mixed with mushrooms, onions and those sweet peas.

Only two legged animals injured in the making of this meal.

(but not the chimpanzees)

Who would’ve thought it would take so many years to heal?

(being single like a disease.)

Whether it comes out wrong or it comes out right;

I eat it all, don’t lick the plate, I finish every bite.

Pay the bill and tip well then we drive home for the night.

Snuggle my ghost beneath the covers as I close my eyes.

Struggle with no needs of another
that’s my big prize.

“Peace”

*drops the mic

~ Kiddo

The Impersonal Touch

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Falling in love instantly at the impersonal touch.

Keeping my face matter of fact

Listening I nod as you move me this way & that

on the inside I am purring & arching my back. 

Whether being checked for bunions at fifty or headlice at seven

the hands upon me feel as if they are giving rather than taking.

Like heaven.

Instantly and forever but just a little

In love

~Kiddo

Unintentional Feelings

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Dream whirled

Feelings that I do not intend to use
nothing to gain
but what is there to lose?

Delectable flutterings like a tasty crave
difficult to manage
trying to get my thoughts to behave.

Dazed, preoccupied and distracted,
scenes involuntarily imagined
unable to be redacted.

Slight control of my delicious dreams,
less than usual,
maybe that’s just the way that it seems.

Perhaps my effort is merely token,
a sham of an endeavor,
to cease dreaming of things emphatically left unspoken.

Can it even be done?
Please do not teach me.
That would be less fun.

Dallying with the consciously unthought
we drift through my nocturnal illusion
where deed and sentiment are less fraught.

Serendipitous pleasures I don’t want to miss
I won’t learn how to quit
Ignorance is such delicious bliss.

~KiDDṏ

Dream whirled

Commodious

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Read on a bathroom stall…

I’m nobody’s anything
except perhaps second string
certainly no one’s first choice
going days without hearing a voice
or using mine
which is fine
It’s all just white noise
so I wrote this on the bathroom stall
and snapped it with my phone
sober
because I’m no longer drinking alone.

~ Kiddo

commodious

adjective
com·mo·di·ous | \ kə-ˈmō-dē-əs \
1:comfortably or conveniently spacious :

ROOMY
as in a commodious closet
2:archaic: HANDY, SERVICEABLE

Kiddo: Roomy, HANDY, serviceable 🙂

Kiddos Tip: When ‘commodious’ is used to describe a bathroom it could be confusing…do it anyway.

Always a Choice

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There is ALWAYS a choice. Today my choices were :

1) Whine at work

2) Wine at work

3) Do nothing ….

I don’t get paid to do nothing and I really have no one to listen to me whine so the choice was OBVIOUS!!

Three roads diverged in a wood, (my desk is made of wood) and I– I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. *Boom*

~ Kiddo

Overheard in a bar

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Overheard in a bar:

     ” There was a time, in about my mid-thirties when I thought ‘God damn when are these manic phases gonna just stop so that I can live a consistent grown up life?’  That shit is exhausting and disruptive. Now in my mid-forties there are still shorter manic-like times but more times when I am barely able to get up everyday and I have to force myself to participate in life. I put other people before me and that at least gives me some purpose and some motivation. I don’t like to disappoint people in my life so I do make that effort for everything to remain normal for them. Putting other people first really does help but sometimes the only thing keeping me going is the thought that a manic spike will eventually come my way. As I watch my waistline soften and my arms and face get that slightly plump look to them I long for the return of burning 1200 calories a day in the gym because that’s so much better then barely burning 1200 calories a week at the gym. When I’m depressed and getting pudgy I look in the mirror and I don’t see me. I see someone that looks similar to me. It looks like someone related to me but I don’t see me in my body and I don’t see me when I’m looking into my eyes. When I am in my manic phase I look in the mirror and it’s all me. I like what I see which is nice. As I get older I’m having shorter less intense manic phases like I was told would happen but when I’m having a depressed phase I can have manic spikes. It’s like I’ll have a trigger and feel like my normal excited self again. Not actually manic but happy and motivated. Really good sex can sometimes keep me on a high for 2 days and that’s the real me. That’s when I feel like I’m me.

    All of these ups and downs are hormonally influenced. If my hormones could just stay balanced I think I would stay balanced. But would I be in a low spot or a high spot? Could I luck out and stay on a nice even keel in a happy motivated place that has me doing the proper amount of exercise and proper amount of eating and drinking and sex? These manic spikes during my depression are new. Maybe they are a part of perimenopause like hot flashes and being sentimental. Sometimes a manic spikes lasts 2 hours. Sometimes a spike lasts 2 days and then I am back in my rut. I used to think I was so weak for not being able to just pull myself out of my funk but now I know I can just keep trying and doing what I can while I wait for my mojo to return. When I’m depressed my motivational playlist does the opposite of what is intended. Even though it contains the music that I really love and that I normally love to listen to when I run and when I’m driving all of a sudden I realize every single song on the playlist is pissing me off. The music is not making me feel motivated it’s making me mad. It is so stupid to feel this way.   

    So stupid and I tell myself this is all just chemicals and that my body is great and it really is a beautiful day and the songs really are amazing and I really am awesome and life is WONDERFUL…but I don’t feel it and I don’t believe myself. It’s times like this that I really wish I had a significant other and at the same time I am SO THANKFUL that I don’t have a significant other to deal with and no one that has to try to deal with my mess.

    It seems stupid but it also seems kind of magic because I’ll be depressed and depressed and depressed for days and everything seems to go slower and I cannot make myself get up in the morning to go workout so I just get up in time to go to work and then try to hit the gym after work but am easily persuaded to skip it. I do less but I am tired more. Soooo tired. I get to the point where I am pudgy and I don’t see myself in me anymore  and then I’ll just get to the place where I start spiraling in my mind. My thoughts get random and disconnected like when I am in an actual full fledged manic phase BUT they aren’t happy excited thoughts. I am spiraling DOWN in my mind. Then I start writing or posting or talking like stupid crazy stuff and somehow that spiraling down ends up sucking me back up. I get bottomed out and then the spiraling flings me out and up. Sometimes I try to hold on and ride out the spin like I am on a Tilt a Whirl with the safety bar broken off of my seat. You know how a tornado or vortex grabs things that are down and sends them flying out of control? That’s how this downward spiral is. It will eventually sling me back up again and then I’ll feel kind of dizzy and then I will start feeling like me again. Instead of sleeping all the way until I have to get up in the morning I’ll be waking up again at 4 a.m. with no alarm and jumping out of bed, putting my sneakers on and going for a 5 mile run on the elliptical in the morning and another 5 mile run in the evening and just be so jazzed on life.

     At least when I’m depressed and slightly pudgy I don’t have sharp shooting bunion pains because I haven’t been running as much and my knees will feel better, my back feels a little better and my hemorrhoids don’t bother me as much because I’m not punishing my body burning 1200 calories a day. Then again when I am burning 1200 calories a day and my bunion hurts and my knee is hurting and my back hurts I don’t really care as much because I feel amazing inside. I feel pumped. I feel excited and I feel like me because I’m a naturally excited naturally uptimistic, naturally energetic person who loves life.  So I feel like me even with the aches and pains. Of course in this stage in life with titanium screws in my spine and myriad physical limitations I never completely get rid of the aches and pains and self-medicating fluctuates with my phase. When I’m depressed do I want to drink and eat fattening foods? Yes I do! Alcohol and easy delicious foods comfort me and I don’t have to expend much energy to consume them. When I am excited and manic do I drink and eat delicious foods?  Yes I do because life is wonderful and everything tastes delicious. I spend a lot of time on food prep and healthy meals when I am feeling more motivated. Currently, I have been eating easier meals and haven’t been burning off those easy calories so right now I feel kind of like I am preparing for my winter hibernation. Being middle-aged and bipolar is not for pussies. I get my hot flashes and sentimental moments from my perimenopause and also have my downward spirals that turn into tornadoes that launch me into who knows what but life is always an adventure on the Bi-Polar Express.”

#bipolarexpress #olderpolar #overheardinabar #seemslikeeveryoneisbipolarthesedays