All of my dreams last night featured exes and spiders….I don’t know which is worse. The spiders were HUGE! I’m talkin a few realllly big house spiders and wolf spiders as big as my hand hiding in a cabinet or whatever which startled me BUT ALSO spiders as big as medium sized dogs that were so thick and long leggedly quick that none of my exes could kill them. One particularly terrifying spider came from the ground. I heard a sound and I looked, and behold a pale arachnid : and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. Different exes in different dreams…different coloured of each sized spider for different exes and none of my exes could kill ANY of the spiders! …At one point I had to climb up a rungless ladder in my half swamped RV to try and retrieve my tepid old Coke that had been open for days in a cabinet above the apparently 12ft tall fridge. I swung from the swampy water kicking off with my feet and grasped with finger tips the edges of the rung holders then remembering how Stallone had to grab above his head while dangling in Cliffhanger I used my fingertips and toes to boost upward as hard as I could wrapping my toes onto the edge of the ladder frame and holding on with one arm I opened the left cabinet and inside were some VERY angry wasped that were pissed with all of my banging so I BANGED that door closed and almost fell into the murky water below. Realizing that I had opened the wrong door I opened the right door….just as I remembered that I had finished that Coke yesterday!! Out of the cabinet rushed a giant wolf spider bigger than my face!! And terror insued….I won’t even mention the hard shiny purple spider….but at the end of all of these dreams I felt very very lonely as a double couple hugged goodbye on a dock and better halves sailed away at sunset and all of my spiders and exes had disappeared and I thought “I’m sending out signals but the TV is turned off” immediately I woke up and still mostly asleep thought “Rob’s just not pickin up what I’m puttin down” then suddenly remembered that I’m not with him anymore! Lol….I haven’t awakened to remember that in over a year and this was the 1st time it made me laugh out loud!! Now I’m laying here writing in my dream journal (which you are reading) and going over all of the obvious symbolism in my head but I won’t put you through all of that!
Philosophy Korner
My Sky…
She was my sky, ever changing but always there for me so always beautiful.
Swimming against the current, running against the wind and going against the grain. I can proudly say I’ve earned everything that I’ve gotten but goddamn the wrinkles and grey hairs!!
Philosophical Rant
All I can say about today is “UGH” and “I’M UP TO THE CHALLENGE!!” Sometimes ppl will accuse me of being a pessimist (usually when I point out something to do with my looks or position in life) and sometimes people’ll accuse me of being an optimist but in both cases I respond the same way: I’m a realist…I see the truth and I’m not afraid of it. Life is beautiful. Life is discouraging and ugly but NOTHING can take away from the fact that despite the beauty and the ugliness we can CHOOSE to enjoy it and wring every bit of pleasure from it….and in that way even the ugliest circumstance becomes immeasurably gorgeous. …so beautiful that it brings tears to the eyes….I have THOUSANDS of photos of beautiful sunrises,sunsets, storms and rainbows. ..they’re all spectacular and worth living to see the next one. The greatest wonders in life are free and just accessible to the pauper as the prince…priceless in their originality just as much as in their promise to come again in a slightly different incarnation. Life is a series of cycles. Tiny little cycles too small to notice and enormous cycles so big we could NEVER comprehend them and no matter if time is linear or deviant we can experience it only one moment at a time….each moment to be appreciated or ignored. If we fully experienced each moment we would be useless….so we are open to distraction and interpretation which actually preserves us but the truth remains and our lives are the results of our random as well as meaningful choices. We are all but pixels in the bigger picture. The smaller we make our universe the more significance we play in it and the grander we make existence the less influence we have on it. Some people say look at the bigger picture without realizing that the enormity of the actual BIGGER picture is that we have absolutely no influence on the cosmos as individuals….so I choose to live the not so big picture and actually make a postive difference in the lives of my loved ones and my community. If everyone chose to do so the world would be infinitely better and the universe and the multiverse as well…but science decrees that a positive can’t exist without a negative which is great because I love lightning and magnets and equal and opposite reactions and sometimes the best thing to accept is that I only have so much power and therefore a limited responsibility even though the potential is available if we ALLL worked together. The chance that all creatures will work together for the greater good is slim to none which basically means that the pressure is off. Enjoy your little slice of life. That’s the way the cookie crumbles, the ball bounces and let the chips fall as they may. It’s all good. Inhale love exhale love…not one breathe wasted 🙂
If I got to choose…
If I got to choose I’d rather be loved than needed. Ijs
Cracker Jack prize
Sometimes it seems like it doesn’t matter how right you do things or how good a person you are because the people that end up living their dreams are the selfish and the sad messes. Seems like so many people that actually are wonderful people that have their shit together end up struggling despite the fact that they always do the right thing.
I’ve realized that even though I truly love everyone so many people do suck and are a total waste of my time and energy. Unfortunately, we have to interact with people and depend on other people for our livelihood but goddammit it’s frustrating because most people don’t do what they say they will do. Sorting through useless people to find the good ones is time and energy consuming like eating Cracker Jack for the prize…and it’s usually a shitty prize but sometimes it’s a cool tattoo. I also always liked the little tops. The spinning tops not the lame pencil toppers. It’s almost better that Cracker Jack was purchased by Frito Lay because they stopped putting prizes in the packages. Now there’s no disappointment waiting at the bottom BUT there’s also no anticipation, no hope that the prize will be cool rather than shitty.
When I was young I made myself wait until I had eaten the last bite of Cracker Jack before being rewarded by the prize. When I had gotten a little older I started fishing for the prize halfway through my snack because I wanted to at least be able to have the pleasure of the peanuts and popcorn as my consolation prize if the surprise turned out to be super lame. I would save the real carmel coated pieces until the end. In my late teen years I realized that I didn’t even really like the taste of Cracker Jack very much.
I went years without even thinking about the treat until I had my own kids. I bought it for them a few times out of a sense of nostalgia but it wasn’t really a hit and there was no prize at all.
I miss the days when I was excited about a cheap prize at the bottom of a box of less than delicious peanuts and half stale popcorn that always sort of tasted like cardboard
Cracker Jack Collectors Association
Cool tops
Lame pencil topper
Plagiarized because it’s sooo good
After A While
After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…
~ 1971, Veronica A. Shoffstall
OR
Jorge Luis Borges folks
No one knows for sure who plagiarized the other but it’s soooo true that it needs to be read.
A thousand moments
From Elephant Meditation
True story
Just a dream, just a dream
There was this day, once upon a time, when all of my dreams came true…but just like with all dreams…eventually I woke up. Good morning Starshine. Welcome to reality
Everything’s Fine & I’m okay
Even though I just want to stay in bed with a bottle of wine within reach
I keep getting up and putting one foot in front of the other and answering that everything’s fine and I’m okay
Because it’s better than things being horrible and me not being okay
Thank Unis that my biggest problem is being unexcited and my biggest fight is against malaise
So like the kitten on the poster I will indeed continue to “hang in there”. ~ Kiddo’s Philosophical Korner
Intense situation…
So many situations we find ourselves in these days wouldn’t have been possible not too long ago. Thanks to modern gizmos ‘n’ gadgets I found myself in a pretty surreal situation today. Apparently my phone screen is more difficult to replace than any phone screen in the history of the universe so nearly a month after I paid for my replacement screen I found myself BACK at the Mr. Phone Fixit shop for the third time. Anticipating that I might have to leave my cracked phone at the shop I had brought along my older phone to be used if necessary. After having participated in cheerful chit chat with the other anxious parents in the waiting area I powered on my old device. Even in a waiting area in a phone repair shop it seems odd to just continue to sit in such close proximity to other weird wired people without my electronic sheild in hand. I noticed straight away that I was getting a ton of notifications and that many of them were voicemails that hadn’t been listened to. That wasn’t a big surprise because I very rarely listen to messages. I have fewer unlistened to messages on my new phone because people finally stopped recording them. So without even a premonitory pause I decided to listen for a bit to pass the time. BIG MISTAKE. A deliciously happy, excited loving voicemail from a year ago changed me from being a cheerful stranger in a hopeful waiting area to a shattered person sitting perfectly still so that my pieces wouldn’t scatter all over the place while trying to force my lungs to function. It was very surreal. Sounds around me were muted and it felt like someone had stabbed a GIGANTIC ice sword through my gut. My vision was fading around the edges and I felt like everyone in the room were awaiting my reaction so I had none. I kept all of my reacting on the inside where it belongs.
~Kiddo
Strong Enough to be weak
Some really amazing, fun, wonderful people just aren’t STRONG enough to stay and be loyal. At least that’s the excuse I allow them. They probably wouldn’t agree because they usually believe themselves to be the strongest person they know. I know the difference between strength and weakness. My strength is often my weakness and my weakness many times is my strength.
~ Kiddo’s Philosophy Korner
❤
UGH
Kiddo Uncompromised
“When the moisture on my face is a mixture of sweat, raindrops from the literal storm that I am running through, tears of pain and doubt that I refuse to hold back and tears of pure joy at the beauty of my life that’s when I know that I have lived. I am in this moment truly ALIVE!”
~ Kiddo (6-10-15)
I have been a runner my entire life. I have been running since before running was “cool”. In the 70’s I didn’t need a cool head band, sneakers and jogging shorts. All I needed was my barefeet and ground to cover. I didn’t wear hairbands and ponytail holders because I had a sensitive scalp and was prone to headaches so I tended to run against the wind when I could. The wind not only kept my straggly hair out of my face allowing me to see where I was going but it also made me earn every inch of ground that I crossed. Sometimes I would run against wind so STRONG that it seemed like I was running in place. To me this was a good time. I never looked for the path of least resistance and I felt like the more challenging something was to do the more it was worth doing. I didn’t run for financial gain or for health or for the recognition of others. I RAN FOR THE PURE JOY OF IT.
In the 80’s I was encouraged to join the track team at school and since I loved running and jumping I did. I was one of the best on the team and my biggest problem (as well as my coach’s ) was that I could only participate in three events per track meet. I ran the mile run every single meet but I also ran the mile relay (as the anchor or catch up runner) and did the long jump and the high jump depending on where I was needed most for a particular event. One thing that allowed me to really shine was when the runners would have to run against the wind. Most of the runners in Jr high and high school hated running against the wind and were very discouraged by it. Not me. I would tuck my chin, fold my lips in to keep them from drying out and slow my breath to avoid flaring my nostrils. My hair would fly out behind me and I would be a kid again running for the pure joy of it like my Creek ancestors did generations ago.
Even as someone that truly loves running there would be times as a teenager that I would want to quit. Training to run sometimes took some of the fun out it. Occasionally, I would rather be doing something other than running and I would MAKE myself run at least 5 miles. When my dad got in on my training and would have me drink 5 raw eggs before running 5 miles every morning no matter what the weather I started to lose my joy. I truly hated running in the cold. When I found myself focusing on how far I would still have to go I would make myself stop thinking like that. I trained myself to look back on how far I had gone. The truth is that just running ONE mile was an accomplishment. There was no failure. At first I would have to make myself flip my perspective from one of dreading the distance yet to go to appreciating how far I had gone. The higher the number of laps or miles I had ran grew the more I would feel like I could quit at anytime and still have won. Even giving myself permission to quit I wouldn’t quit because the pressure was off and it was basically a game to see how far I could push myself.
Once again I have found myself in the position of being a single unemployed mother and I can’t help but feel the importance of the decisions I make in the near future. There’s WEIGHT to my choices simply because I am not the only one effected by them. Weight isn’t necessarily a bad thing though. It makes us see what we consider important. It makes us stop and truly think about our decisions. In fact, I have a few weights that I have been carrying around for the majority of my life that I hope to never lose. When I was seven years old running barefooted through a field near my home I was stopped short by something that looked like an egg. It was a blur beneath my feet as I zoomed past it but I came to a screeching halt and walked back about 10 yards to see this bird egg. When I got back to it I discovered that it wasn’t an egg at all. I had found a perfectly smooth, cool to the touch even in the mid-day sun, stone! I started calling it my pet rock because pet rocks had been really cool about 5 years before and this was the coolest natural rock I had ever seen. I had seen plenty of perfectly smooth rocks in rivers in the Carolinas and Tennessee but this was in the middle of a dry field in central Florida and nearly perfectly round. I thought it was amazing and I have carried that rock with me for about 35 years. In 1992 when I was 19yrs old I discovered another weight that I loved so much I had to have it. This discovery was a paper weight I unpacked at Cracker Barrel while I was stocking the gift shop with new items. It was just a glob of glass, with different coloured glass inside to look like two dolphins swimming in the ocean. I loved it and bought it with my employee discount. That was 23 years ago. I have kept both of my weights with me through thick and thin. Even when I didn’t have a place of my own and I was backpacking through the southeastern states I kept these two weights. I never even used them to hold down papers. I kept these items with me because they were beautiful to look at and felt great in my hands. One seemed to be shaped and smoothed by nature and the other was intentionally crafted my a human. Both of these weights were shaped by outside forces exerted on them but both of them were beautiful as a result and their form was even more impressive to me than their function. Everytime I had to sort through my belongings and choose necessities I kept both of these weights. I kept them through spring cleanings and chaff clearings and they have been with me for the good and the not so good. I’ve kept these weights through my ups and downs because I value what we’ve been through together and they’re lovely to behold.
This afternoon I went for my run and I have so much energy since I haven’t worked in four days. I’m like a cross between Sarah Connor and those treadmill dancers and I just enjoy myself as I cruise on down the road. I had a great playlist of songs that I totally enjoyed running to. The songs gave me an opportunity to change my pace and move to different rhythms. The wind was in my face and it started to rain and I was completely ALIVE.
I am NOT scared of the future. I know that even if I don’t find a job in time to keep our apartment that my heart will keep on beating and I will still live, laugh and love beneath the sun and the clouds and the beauty of the night sky. Life is about ups and downs and round and rounds. I truly love roller coasters and I will make the best of the ride.
When I think about the uncertainty of the future I remind myself that no one’s future is certain. Even people who think that their path is set and that they know where they’re going they are not CERTAIN of how things will turn out. If you’re under the illusion that your future is set I hope that you’re not proven wrong. I hope that you’re not caught off guard. If your life goes exactly according to plan then I am HAPPY for you. I also will feel a little bit sorry for you because you won’t know how you can roll with the changes. You won’t find out about your ability to go with the flow and learn to compromise without compromising your true self. I lost my job four days ago for being true to myself and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Life is beautiful even as it’s uncertain and I am happy with that. I look back on my life and see that I might’ve made different choices in retrospect but we don’t have the ability to go back and make changes. Even though there are a few things I would do differently if given the option to go back I am glad that I can’t. Every choice and every consequence that I lived through has shaped me and strengthened me to be what I am today. Every worry I have ever had has been pointless unless I see it as a learning experience. I worried about things that weren’t necessary because things work out one way or another and often times things that I worried about never came true. These things still teach me about the things that are important to me and give me an appreciation for how things turn out. When I had just given birth to my first child I was genuinely concerned that his tiny mouth couldn’t possibly latch onto my giant nipple but the nurse assured me that this wouldn’t be a problem. She had experience and she turned out to be right. Now that little baby is making his way through the world and driving himself around in his own car going about his business never knowing that at one time I was worried that he might not be able to nurse.
Life works out and life is beautiful. It’s all about the journey because the destination is the end of life and we will all get there eventually. If it were possible to stand before my ancestors and my posterity I would proudly say that I lived my life true to me. I’m a hedonist and enjoy life fully but I have made a positive difference in the lives that I have touched. I have made the world a better place and I have cooperated along the way but I never compromised. I have run with the wind at my back but I was truly alive when I ran against the wind with my straggly hair flying out behind me earning every inch of ground that I covered.
Hopefully I will find a good job soon that both pays the bills and allows me to be a service to others without being a disservice to myself. Until that time I will do my best to make it happen but I will not worry about the future. The future is uncertain but it will happen no matter what.
The 2 weights that I choose to carryThe 2 weights that I choose to carry
My playlist for my run tonight My playlist for my run tonight My playlist for my run tonight
I wish you could read this but I have already sent enough post -breakup emails to qualify as pathetic
I would like to remember our first kiss:
As we watch tv and talk about the slow movie our legs barely touch as if by accident , hands cautiously beginning to casually explore , until finally without permission we kiss. There wasn’t a moment of hesitation. The whole night had been leading to this.
It is our first kiss, and we make it last…
We kiss as if we’ve done this before but it is so new and I just want more of you. I gently kiss your mouth, and breathe along your neck. My hand in your heavenly scented delicious hair as I kiss your chin and your belly and your thighs . And we talk as we do this. We get to know each other as we slowly discover each other with our bodies. We communicate with and without words. It is intoxicating to change the way your mouth is moving by moving mine against it. And I lay you down and I lay beside you and over you and we look at each other with bright excited eyes. I hold your eyes with mine as I run my finger tips up your legs because I want you to watch me touch you and I want to feel it from your point of view. I want to touch you more and deeply. I slowly start to peel away your clothing to learn more of you , and I touch your breast, which is close to your heart. And you touch and kiss me, but I do not pay attention to me, I pay attention to you. I drown in the scent and taste and feel of you.
Time happens. We happen. It is amazing and indescribable so I won’t even try. You felt it too so you know what I mean.
You decide that I will leave so we won’t get caught. I want to stay but I look forward to the drive home. It is dark out and no one can see me doing my happy dance. Your scent is all over me and the car smells like heaven. I am effervescent with joy from the best first date ever. I know how the excitement of a night like this tries to hide the fact that connecting in such an intense way from the beginning will make the pain more intense if I return for more. I decide to never see you again so this will remain perfect yet I am greedy for that bonding that always seems to be temporary. So I decide to risk it. The thought of seeing you again is intoxicating
I may seem strong—but I wanted to ask you to be careful with my heart. My heart loves too deeply when at all. Instead I said this means nothing. It’s just fun. So fun. And you agree that night and the next day.
You did not see me as a fortress even though I put up my walls to protect myself. Walls to keep me safe from getting lost in you but you didn’t see them and eventually my walls became invisible even to me and I did not protect myself and I did get lost in you. I was kinder with your heart than you were with mine. But that was okay, it was worth it just to be around your excitement for life even if you weren’t excited to be with me anymore. So I stayed long after I knew you had forgotten that first kiss.
I stayed because I remembered those first three months when we spent so many nights dripping with joy. I tried to give you time to find us again. You’d be back to me soon you kept saying and I knew it would be totally worth the wait. I knew that if I waited until your passion for life included me again everything would be happiness. Until I realized that you wouldn’t be coming back to me and in fact I saw that you knew this too and the guilt you felt over that made me call it quits. Throwing in the towel rather than contending for your heart. I didn’t want you to feel bad for not being into us anymore.
And I thank you for this delicious privilege, which was to be part of your excitement for awhile. Your passion is amazing to witness and almost unbearable when your passion was for me. I ALMOST wish we had never kissed except for the fact that I know I will get over this stupid broken heart. Even though the brokenness makes my heart feel bigger than it is – it’s actually just the size of my little fist and not very big at all. In the beginning your love was just as big as my hurt is now but you got over it in a matter of months so I know that big things fade away into nothingness and I think that maybe we’re both better off for having the experience of the ups and downs of the roller coaster of our love. Thanks for the ride.
Now I am finding myself again.
A new bed
The last couple of days I have really been wanting a new bed. Two summers ago when my husband left all I wanted to do was burn the bed that we shared. The last 2 years I had to survive and provide for my children so I had to either sleep on the floor or keep sleeping in the bed that I hated. I got used to sleeping in that bed even though I didn’t rest easy on it and the fabric was soaked through with bitter tears. I kept hoping to wake from bad dreams but kept waking to them every morning in that king sized desolation. The last couple of days I’ve started obsessing about it again. I want a bed that he hasn’t shared. I haven’t had a bed that he hasn’t been in for 23 yrs. That’s over half of my life. I want a new bed. I want a king sized virgin bed.
Nonense…
Random almost audible quotes from in my head tonight
“My girlfriend’s stairs were nearly my downfall” …. (“Seriously,” I just almost audibly thought )
SELF-proclaimmmmed “World’s Greatest Gourmet Sandwich” (and I got it with the delightfully exotic bread substitute LETTUCE. And still.)
“Mutha Fuckin Sonovabitch….why the FUUUCK would they change the color scheme in the android messaging app to fuckin’ orange?! It was PERFECT with the blue tones now we got ‘Google oraNGE!?!?! What genius subjects us to this?!” (That’s a self-proclaimed ‘paraphrase’)
“Fuck” (EXACT quote)
Nonexistence doesn’t get anyone a pass
I would say that no one could ever be mad at me because I actually don’t exist except for the fact that people are mad at God all of the time and usually for something He didn’t do too. Has anyone ever wondered about the fact that a synonym for ‘angry’ is ‘cross’ ? Me either. I don’t exist.
Gorgeous morning on either side of me
Life really is beautiful even if it’s just squeezing 20 precious minutes in before work. Between the waters I saluted the rising sun, the westering moon and the steadfast lighthouse. Guiding lights gratefully acknowledged before I wipe the sand off of my feet and lace up my Dr. Scholls work shoes.
Stupidest thing ever…
Imagine, just for a moment, being a miracle,sure
A miracle that’s just just waiting to occur.
Overflowing with the essence of thee
manifestation that was meant to be.
The unfulfilled extraordinary
event that was pure destiny.
How wonder-us-ly imagined
yet a miracle unenlivened
Why imagine it yo
do you not know
that it
is so
?
***********************************************
And I DON’T CARE for rhyming poetry mostly
unless it’s a tight rap. I can’t decide if rhyming is super simple and lame orrrr ultra challenging & genius to find words to express your meaning but also happen to rhyme.
Not That Anyone Asked Me... 