Real life
In someone’s arms…
I wouldn’t exactly call it a dark night of the soul but… that moment half past midnight when you realize: you can hear the washer, the dryer AND the dish washer churning about their business when all you really want is to be asleep in someone’s arms. To be asleep. To be in someone’s arms. Someone’s arms. Someone’s….but tomorrow is the one morning you can sleep all the way until 7:30a.m. so it’s the night that you can finally get caught up on the week’s chores while not being bitter at all that once again your ex text “cant pick up or drop of the boys this weekend because I am out of town Thurs thru Mon”…starting to think he has this set as a “quick response” text in his phone because the wording and errors are exactly the same every single time. Realizing that this entire experience can be lumped into “1st world problems” and being entirely thankful even in your loneliness
Perspective…
Life is beautiful…unless you’re this discarded half applicated tampon surrounded by cig butts never getting to serve your purpose…but wait: if your purpose were the same as a tampon then I think being discarded in a parking lot is BETTER…at least the view is better and there’s fresh air. PERSPECTIVE!
I peeked…
I peeked…
during savasana
as I surrendered in the dark
My eyes gently opened
to show me a dream world
The puddle of sweat was
a sea rippled
by the warm breeze
of my breath
soft candle light reflecting
across the surface
like golden moons
The soft voice of this world’s
goddess encouraging me
to let go
I peaked…
during savasana
as I surrendered in the dark
Savasana (shah-VAH-sah-nah; Sanskrit: शवासन; IAST: śavāsana), corpse pose
Beautiful night tonight…
I took my phone with me on my jog tonight and was so glad that I did when I noticed a sunset cloud flowing like the creek below. It’s as if the sky is reflecting the water for a change. Venus peeks through the clouds lingering in hopes of glimpsing Jupiter across the sky dancing with the rising moon but alas the couple will not take to the celestial floor until Venus has dozed off below the horizon.
Sometimes they come back…
I can tell someone that they will end up regretting their decision. I can tell them that one day soon they are going to realize the magnitude of what they’re doing. I can tell them they will one day fully comprehend the pricelessness of the beautiful thing they are trampling on and abandoning. I can tell someone that I know them and know that they will be devastated if they leave. I can tell someone that if they leave they better know for a fact that it will be permanent. I can tell someone that they are wrong when they tell me that they believe that they are making the best decision for everyone. I can point out that I supported them through good times and really really bad times and that they may never find anyone else that would do practically anything for them. Sometimes knowing that you are right is the worst thing that can ever happen to you.
It just doesn’t feel good being proven right when someone comes back begging and sobbing. When someone tells me that I was so right and that the last 8 months have been a horrible mistake and they plead for me to pretend that it never happened it rips my heart out. When they fall apart sobbing that they never stopped loving me and that they know that they can never live without me it is beyond horrible. Telling someone that I can’t ever take them back hurts almost as bad as when they walked out on me. It doesn’t feel great to tell someone that when I was begging and sobbing and more hurt than I ever thought it was possible to be and I kept saying to them that I couldn’t live without them that they left anyway. It’s heartbreaking to tearfully remind someone that you told them if they left it would be irreversible. It doesn’t make me feel vindicated or like I’ve won anything. It makes me feel a lot of sadness and crappiness but it also makes me feel something of magnitude.
I’m not exactly sure how to describe all of the feelings that I felt but I can say that I am glad that at least I honoured my vows. I not only honoured my wedding vows but also the vow that I made to myself to stand by my word. I was struggling daily after being left by someone that was a part of me for 20 years and I was afraid that if given the choice I might buckle and take him back. I didn’t actually want that tragic scene anymore than I wanted to be left in the first place but’s it’s nice to not have to wonder what I would do. I wavered a little on the inside but stayed strong on the outside as I explained to the broken man before me that we would never be able to go back. One can’t wave a magic wand and make the betrayal of being abandoned go away. I know that I would be resentful if I let him just waltz back into his old life as if nothing happened and I could never trust his promises of forever. I can never fully give my heart and trust in forever again. My love is unconditional which actually makes the pain everlasting too and I am not brave enough or strong enough to risk getting into a situation similar to the one that seriously almost put an end to me. I am changed for the rest of my life and I truly wish there were a magic wand or a time machine but there isn’t.
It has now been 18 months since my world fell apart and I have survived with the support of some pretty terrific friends and some beyond amazing sons. I have survived working myself to exhaustion and crying with my broken heart as I drove to my new third shift job. I survived working nights so that I could continue to teach my morning and evening yoga classes. I survived giving up teaching yoga and even survived losing my own practice to work long hours 6 days a week when I found a better paying job with daytime hours. I survived the days that my heart hurt so much that I felt like I was suffocating and my insides felt like they were literally being ripped apart. The pain isn’t all-consuming anymore and it didn’t kill me. I survived.
It’s nice to see that I am actually doing what I said I would do no matter what and that I’m capable of doing so many things that seemed impossible. I can live as a working single mom even though the financial struggle is a daily one and still stay true to myself. Not bragging not looking for cheerleaders or high fives or even likes or shares. Just reporting bits from the tragomedy. Life is beautiful and life goes on. I is kind. I is smart. I is important
*drip* no bubbles…
I never realized, until recently, that a bottle of bubbles would have a best if used by date. I lounged in my chaise and proceeded to blow into my wand…*drip* no bubbles…I thought “well this bottle has been opened for a year let me get the sealed bottle that was included in last years 2 for 1 pack” I opened it up and blew into my magic bubble wand…same drip! Now I was determined to fill the skies with beautiful bubbles so I opened a big year old JUG O’BUBBLES…*drip* ….no amount of soft steady blowing or huffing and puffing or arm waving or sprinting across the yard could produce even ONE respectable bubble. I got some teensy almost bubbles and a fair amount of excercise and breath work. Not exactly the magical and relaxing sunset lounge I had envisioned.
*drip*
so-called “bubble” wand
I needed a rubber band…
I needed a rubber band so I opened the drawer in the kitchen with the clips, baggies, twist ties etc…no rubber bands. I went to check the bathroom drawer. None. Walked across the house to the other bathroom. Not one rubber band. I walked into the living room and said to my boys, “I need a rubber band. Why can’t I find a rubber band anywhere?” My thirteen year old son answered “ohhhhh, I sorta lost all the rubber bands“ I actually thought he was kidding and said “ha ha funny” but he responded “no I really did” so I asked “How does somebody just lose over one hundred rubber bands?” and he said “I made a rubber band ball….then I lost it”
Text aloud…
I would really like to thank whoever invented texting. Now we can communicate with people all over the
world without the people in our vicinity overhearing, reacting, being appalled or getting offended. Nowadays whenever in public, at work, or at dinner with the in-laws we can politely smile and nod and have verbal conversations while we’re engaged in text conversations that are bizarre or naughty or just totally irrelevant to anything that’s going on around us. Having incoming texts from multiple people adds randomness and variety to our daily lives and we all know that ‘variety is the spice of life’.
Imagine this phone conversation before texting was created:
Text participant 1: In a Dr. office waiting room
Text participant 2: In check out line at Publix Supermarket.
Participant 1: Lady next to me is eating cheerios out of a zip lock bag by the handfuls and keeps spilling them everywhere
Participant 2: Sure she’s not a BIG BABY?
Participant 1: Well now she’s cleaning herself w/a babywipe so you might be right.
Participant 2: U can’t make this sh*t up! Nobody would believe it was even possible!
Participant 1: Now she’s telling me why she has cheerios in her purse…do I
f*cking care?
Participant 2: So why does she? Diabetic? Gorger? hoarder? Giant Baby!? TELLLLL MEEE!
Participant 1: She said she is trying to stay healthy
Participant 2: BORING. I guess she’s got a point about being healthy but why eat gobs that you can’t hold in your hand and make a mess?! Go on ask her….enquiring minds wanna know
Participant 1: Can’t I’m in the room now waiting for the doc.
Participant 2: Fine…Sonovabitch! This lady in front of me has 52 thousand coupons in the EXPRESS lane! And it looks like she’s gonna write a monkey fluffin’ CHECK! L8R, enjoy the doc Hott Stuff
See! This was an actual text conversation. Notice that at the beginning of this excerpt there’s no mention to each other about where they are or what they’re doing. With some people there’s just a textual running commentary and we don’t even know where they’re at. Sometimes they make references to their surroundings that they couldn’t make during a verbal conversation. I think I should create a book titled “Imagine These Texts Aloud”
In the liquor store…
I had already selected my purchase in the liquor store when Abba’s FERNANDO came on. How could I leave? I hummed softly to myself resisting the urge to sing. The song was about to enter the first chorus and I was losing the fight. How could I not dance down the beautiful aisles singing every word? “There was something in the air that night, the moon was bright Fernando” How could people not assume I was already drunk? I adore spontaneous fits of dorkdom. I had to prove I was sober when another customer entered the store and began asking me a bunch of questions about liquor and distillation (apparently I looked like I know my booze. His assumption wasn’t wrong) . The man asked about the cheapest vodka in the store and I took him straight to it but he said he wanted a smaller bottle and I said “come on! It never goes bad!” And he said “I could drink on a bottle that size a LONG time and I said “yeah, I tell myself the same thing” then he asked “skittle fop may?” And I was just stumped on that one. His next question was if I worked at the liquor store and the clerk that had been watching and listening to our exchange called “she should!” and she and I laughed. The guy left without buying anything and the clerk said “well I guess you answered all of his questions” and I said “not that one question “skittle fop may?’ Apparently I just had another conversation with a crazy person without realizing it until halfway through the conversation which has been happening a lot lately” and she said “either you’re very nice or crazy too” and I said ” nice AND crazy – means I get along with everyone”
Beautiful Saturday no matter who you are
Beautiful Saturday West Palm Beach
Regardless and irrespective of the economy, the government, how you feel about the Affordable Care Act, how much money you do or don’t have, your belief system or your sexual predilection (even if you are currently abstaining) ISN’T TODAY BEAUTIFUL!? Breathing in that low humidity cooler air just makes me feel great! It’s like magic. °☉¸☉° It’s currently 70 degrees with 61 percent humidity and this makes for a fabulous Saturday
Kiddo’s Philosophical Minute (aka: Run-on Sentence Ramble):
“Sometimes when you’re traveling new territory you get lost but usually not forever and occasionally you see things and meet people you would’ve never experienced had you stayed on what you thought of as ‘your path’ ” ~ Kiddo
I’m Kiddo and this is my Korner
Not that anyone asked me….
I’m Kiddo and this is my Korner. Alternate titles for my site title: Kiddo’s Korner, Spinach in your Mamma’s Smile, Mutterings of a Mad Woman, Don’t Mention it, Never Argue with an Idiot , Lord Beer Me Strength, Random Thoughts, You Don’t Have to Thank Me, It’s What I Do & UNNECESSARY CAPITALIZATION.
I believe a sense of humor is the most important of the senses and feel that it’s my greatest tool for dealing with life’s issues.
Many people take most things waaaay too seriously!
I enjoy laughing, relaxing, writing, reading, dancing in thunderstorms, taking too many photos of Earth, the sky, the ocean, people and creatures I come across as I wander through life. I enjoy actual conversation with like minded OR contrary individuals. Small talk is not only boring but redundant.
If you’re boring we can’t be friends. Or enemies.
When a stranger asks how I am I usually answer “Great! How are you?” when they reply “Great? I wish I could say that” I say
“you can. Just say you’re great because when you stop to think about it you probably actually are” I certainly have problems like everyone else and sometimes they get me down. Sometimes I have to express my darker side just to get it out.
For the most part I experience life’s ups and downs as a beautiful journey that I can not possibly predict from day to day let alone decade to decade.
In today’s busy world we all need a place to relax and unwind.
My little Korner is my place where I can just be me with no labels to “identify” me or limit me. So much of life is about our roles as individuals: Adult, Parent, Spouse, Male, Female, Employee etc. and these roles are necessary. Roles aren’t a negative thing but they can cause us to sometimes forget who we actually are. Think back to when you were a child spinning around for no reason at all. Laughing just because it felt good to laugh. Noticing the world around you and wondering as you wander.
Sometimes we get caught up in life and forget to touch base with our true selves.
In my life so far I have been self-conscious and insecure. I have been confident and proud. I have been scared and I have been brave. I have been scarred and healed. I have been lost and I have been found. I have been wrong and I have been right. I have had enough experiences to know that judging is preposterous. Judging oneself or others is non serving and leads to nothing useful. I know that we are all the same and that we are all very different. No one can walk in anyone else’s shoes and know for sure what they would do in similar circumstances. We can’t even walk in our own shoes and do the same thing every time even if the situation is exactly the same. The situation can never be exactly the same. Life is a state of flux. We change constantly so it’s hard to remain true to even ourselves. I go with the flow and try to live without expectation, judgment or regret.
I can not know what the future holds but I can accept it as it comes. I can accept me as I am.
Nobody is perfect but we are all perfect creatures and moment by moment we can choose to serve the light or the darkness.
Here I can just express my current self without a specific role to fill.
My Korner is:
~ A relaxed atmosphere where I never know what might happen next.
~ NO DRESS CODE
~ Meditation, half baked philosophical conversation, random observations and fits of the giggles are frequent occurrences
~ Rumination, supposing, philosophizing and self-analysis can occur without warning.
~ No topic taboo
~ bubbles and bubble wand are suggested accessories
~ spontaneous free style dancing almost NIGHTLY
~ Advice available upon request
~ NO underage drinking AKA: No wine before it’s time
~ Usually BYOB but occasionally I have been known to share
~ Drinking straight out of the bottle is not only NOT frowned upon but usually not even noticed.
~We don’t stand on ceremony cause life is phony in spite of it.
Scene from Dazed and Confused
Cynthia: God, don’t you ever feel like everything we do and everything we’ve been taught is just to service the future?
Tony: Yeah I know, like it’s all preparation.
Cynthia: Right. But what are we preparing ourselves for?
Mike: Death.
Tony: Life of the party.
Mike: It’s true.
Cynthia: You know, but that’s valid because if we are all gonna die anyway shouldn’t we be enjoying ourselves now? You know, I’d like to quit thinking of the present, like right now, as some minor insignificant preamble to something else.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106677/quotes
Not That Anyone Asked Me... 