Discussion Group

I would love to have a respectful, intelligent conversation with myself at different stages in my life. Wouldn’t it be neat to sit in a discussion group with your six year old self, your thirteen year old self, your twenty one year old self, your twenty six, thirty five, forty four, fifty five, sixty six, seventy, eighty, ninety year old self?

There would be so many differences of opinion expressed and so many beliefs that contradicted each other. How can anyone feel like someone else’s beliefs and ideas are wrong when we don’t even agree with ourselves at different stages of our journey? How could we ever feel superior over anyone else because of how they decipher the clues and try to explain the intricacies of existence from their own current point of view.

How can anyone KNOW that they’re right and that everyone else that doesn’t agree with them is WRONG. If you ruled out the childish beliefs of your younger selves in the discussion group you would still have several full grown adult opinions of your own that differed. If you did rule out every theory and belief of the childhood yous in your discussion group what would YOU MISS OUT ON!?

Wouldn’t it be amazing to lay in a field with your younger selves making shapes out of clouds while discussing total randomness?

If you’ve read all of this I have one final thought: Go for a hike in the woods or walk through your neighborhood with your five year old self. Have yourselves an adventurous magical journey!

~ Kiddo

PERSPECTIVE!

Life is beautiful…unless you’re this discarded half applicated tampon surrounded by cig butts never getting to serve your purpose

tampon
But wait: If your purpose were the same as a tampon then I think being discarded in a parking lot is BETTER…at least the view is better and there’s fresh air. PERSPECTIVE!

~ Kiddo

2018 is a Wrap!

It is a good thing that I am a fighter when need be. Most of the days in 2018 were some sort of struggle for me. Most of the time I have had at LEAST one of the following: financial struggle, mental struggle, physical struggle, emotional struggle, mental struggle (I know I already wrote that but almost every struggle is a mental struggle). I struggle with my weight,I struggle with keeping my vehicle on the road and struggle with my health as well as my determination and drive. Being in my mid-forties and single is a recipe for struggle. But I know that a lot more deserving people than I did not even live to see 2018. I’m just happy to say that I have made it through another year on my own and you know what they say: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Unless it’s Rickets…Rickets leaves a person weaker forever. So I am very thankful that in 2018 I did not get Rickets and I send positive energy to those that did. ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING! Happy New Year to everyone on the planet no matter your religion, your politics or your IQ.Thank Unis for alcohol! Cheers! Gesondheid! Gan Bei! Na zdravi! Proost! Santé! Prost! ΥΓΕΙΑ! Sláinte! Salute! 乾杯! (Kanpai!) 건배! į sveikatą! Noroc! Na zdrowie! Saúde! Будем здоровы/ На здоровье!Iechyd da!Sei gesund! Salud! Skål! (and don’t forget to look everyone in the eye)

Unis bless us…everyone!

Overheard in a bar

Overheard in a bar:

     ” There was a time, in about my mid-thirties when I thought ‘God damn when are these manic phases gonna just stop so that I can live a consistent grown up life?’  That shit is exhausting and disruptive. Now in my mid-forties there are still shorter manic-like times but more times when I am barely able to get up everyday and I have to force myself to participate in life. I put other people before me and that at least gives me some purpose and some motivation. I don’t like to disappoint people in my life so I do make that effort for everything to remain normal for them. Putting other people first really does help but sometimes the only thing keeping me going is the thought that a manic spike will eventually come my way. As I watch my waistline soften and my arms and face get that slightly plump look to them I long for the return of burning 1200 calories a day in the gym because that’s so much better then barely burning 1200 calories a week at the gym. When I’m depressed and getting pudgy I look in the mirror and I don’t see me. I see someone that looks similar to me. It looks like someone related to me but I don’t see me in my body and I don’t see me when I’m looking into my eyes. When I am in my manic phase I look in the mirror and it’s all me. I like what I see which is nice. As I get older I’m having shorter less intense manic phases like I was told would happen but when I’m having a depressed phase I can have manic spikes. It’s like I’ll have a trigger and feel like my normal excited self again. Not actually manic but happy and motivated. Really good sex can sometimes keep me on a high for 2 days and that’s the real me. That’s when I feel like I’m me.

    All of these ups and downs are hormonally influenced. If my hormones could just stay balanced I think I would stay balanced. But would I be in a low spot or a high spot? Could I luck out and stay on a nice even keel in a happy motivated place that has me doing the proper amount of exercise and proper amount of eating and drinking and sex? These manic spikes during my depression are new. Maybe they are a part of perimenopause like hot flashes and being sentimental. Sometimes a manic spikes lasts 2 hours. Sometimes a spike lasts 2 days and then I am back in my rut. I used to think I was so weak for not being able to just pull myself out of my funk but now I know I can just keep trying and doing what I can while I wait for my mojo to return. When I’m depressed my motivational playlist does the opposite of what is intended. Even though it contains the music that I really love and that I normally love to listen to when I run and when I’m driving all of a sudden I realize every single song on the playlist is pissing me off. The music is not making me feel motivated it’s making me mad. It is so stupid to feel this way.   

    So stupid and I tell myself this is all just chemicals and that my body is great and it really is a beautiful day and the songs really are amazing and I really am awesome and life is WONDERFUL…but I don’t feel it and I don’t believe myself. It’s times like this that I really wish I had a significant other and at the same time I am SO THANKFUL that I don’t have a significant other to deal with and no one that has to try to deal with my mess.

    It seems stupid but it also seems kind of magic because I’ll be depressed and depressed and depressed for days and everything seems to go slower and I cannot make myself get up in the morning to go workout so I just get up in time to go to work and then try to hit the gym after work but am easily persuaded to skip it. I do less but I am tired more. Soooo tired. I get to the point where I am pudgy and I don’t see myself in me anymore  and then I’ll just get to the place where I start spiraling in my mind. My thoughts get random and disconnected like when I am in an actual full fledged manic phase BUT they aren’t happy excited thoughts. I am spiraling DOWN in my mind. Then I start writing or posting or talking like stupid crazy stuff and somehow that spiraling down ends up sucking me back up. I get bottomed out and then the spiraling flings me out and up. Sometimes I try to hold on and ride out the spin like I am on a Tilt a Whirl with the safety bar broken off of my seat. You know how a tornado or vortex grabs things that are down and sends them flying out of control? That’s how this downward spiral is. It will eventually sling me back up again and then I’ll feel kind of dizzy and then I will start feeling like me again. Instead of sleeping all the way until I have to get up in the morning I’ll be waking up again at 4 a.m. with no alarm and jumping out of bed, putting my sneakers on and going for a 5 mile run on the elliptical in the morning and another 5 mile run in the evening and just be so jazzed on life.

     At least when I’m depressed and slightly pudgy I don’t have sharp shooting bunion pains because I haven’t been running as much and my knees will feel better, my back feels a little better and my hemorrhoids don’t bother me as much because I’m not punishing my body burning 1200 calories a day. Then again when I am burning 1200 calories a day and my bunion hurts and my knee is hurting and my back hurts I don’t really care as much because I feel amazing inside. I feel pumped. I feel excited and I feel like me because I’m a naturally excited naturally uptimistic, naturally energetic person who loves life.  So I feel like me even with the aches and pains. Of course in this stage in life with titanium screws in my spine and myriad physical limitations I never completely get rid of the aches and pains and self-medicating fluctuates with my phase. When I’m depressed do I want to drink and eat fattening foods? Yes I do! Alcohol and easy delicious foods comfort me and I don’t have to expend much energy to consume them. When I am excited and manic do I drink and eat delicious foods?  Yes I do because life is wonderful and everything tastes delicious. I spend a lot of time on food prep and healthy meals when I am feeling more motivated. Currently, I have been eating easier meals and haven’t been burning off those easy calories so right now I feel kind of like I am preparing for my winter hibernation. Being middle-aged and bipolar is not for pussies. I get my hot flashes and sentimental moments from my perimenopause and also have my downward spirals that turn into tornadoes that launch me into who knows what but life is always an adventure on the Bi-Polar Express.”

#bipolarexpress #olderpolar #overheardinabar #seemslikeeveryoneisbipolarthesedays

I DON’T like feeling RANTY

I have been feeling ranty lately. I swear if you talk to me for more than 10mins on any subject I am going to go off on a related rant. Possibly even an unrelated one. I DON”T LIKE THAT. I don’t want to be a ranter. I like being the joker, the problem solver, the nurturer, the encourager. I am the one that points out the POSITIVE!! I am about to go off on a rant about what’s wrong with ME!  no, I will spare you. I have just been feeling frustrated and tired from trying to figure everything out on my own for lo, these many years and my list of things that need replacing in my household or on my car keeps getting longer. I even need a few things fixed on my body!! I guess ranting is more acceptable than weeping these days. I’m a natural frustrated weeper but that is more annoying to others than ranting. I am trying to catch myself pre-rant. Do yourself a favor and just don’t get me started.

Good talk ~Kiddo

Then and now

When I was a child my ears stuck through my hair and so I was made fun of for looking like a Mon chi chi. I thought Mon chi chi were adorable so I had one….but I thought I was ugly. I began to wear a cloth headband wide enough to cover my ears. I wore a giant rubber band at night to keep my ears flat while I slept hoping they would just stay flat. I had my mom buy freckle eraser from Avon and prayed and really believed it would work. I still have freckles to this day. When I was 14 I was permitted to get a haircut that allowed my hair to be feathered over my ears. I look back at photos I hated my entire childhood and realize that I believed what people told me rather than believing what I saw with my own eyes. When I looked in the mirror I did not see this adorable face. It is so hard for me to believe that these are the same photos I have known my entire life. I recognize the pictures but they never looked cute to me before. I was always self conscious of my looks because I never saw the truth. I walked around FEELING GROTESQUE like I should be hiding somewhere. That feeling persisted for much of my adulthood. I look back at photos from the last 45 years and can’t find an ugly one in the pile. I was 35 years old before I actually felt like I wasn’t disgusting to look at. I will be 45 years old in 1 week and sometimes wish that I could go back and live a life feeling like I wasn’t horrible to look at BUT I compensated for my looks by being clever, funny, and athletic and who knows what kind of personality I would have if I had always thought I was as adorable as I see that little girl now.

Reminder to self: Slow journeys give us time to pay attention

 

This is my yoga space that I have been using at work as I began my slow journey back to some sort of fitness. I have just enough room, a window and a fire extinguisher just in case I get really overheated. This space is one of the advantages to working alone.

This week I have been feeling great emotionally and feeling better physically and I have hope that I will get back to feeling greatish physically.

I have only had my cervical correction/stabilization surgery and don’t know when or IF I will actually go through with lumbar correction/stabilization surgery so therefore I am literally practicing with a broken (in a couple of places) back. If I do opt to have the lumbar surgery it will be at least 10 months from now.

I am being pretty careful and modifying even though that has always been hard for me even with a solitary practice. It is easier to do NO BACK BENDS and NO INVERSIONS (other than forward folds and such) now that I have vivid pictures of my spinal Xrays and MRIs to remind me that ignoring what my body is telling me does NOT necessarily make me stronger. I am physically heavier and weaker than I have EVER been because I pushed myself physically in the wrong ways for decades. PLUS in the past year or so I have had to modify not only how I workout and do cardio but also how I sleep, get out of bed, sit on a toilet, use a chair, drive a car, ride a bike, walk, “run” and even BREATHE.

Pain has never been enough to make me really listen to my body even when the pain was significant. If I could keep moving I did….so eventually my body simply QUIT allowing me to ignore it. Proof that as I have always said: Your body is smarter than your brain 🙂 ….Okay I haven’t always said that but in this case it is true.

I HAVE always said that life is about the journey not the destination (I didn’t make it up but I do SAY it) and I know that journeys have setbacks and detours that make the journey more memorable and allow for more growth. Life is beautiful,  so very beautiful, even with hard lessons and one day this life will be over so I plan to appreciate as much of it as I can while I am still here.

I waited 30 years for this moon

This morning I watched what I could see of the eclipsing blue super moon from the east coast of Florida. I had been waiting about 30 years for the three lunar phenomena to coincide. In August of 1980 I had become very interested in astronomy due in large part to a partial lunar eclipse that I had heard was coming up. I was intrigued by eclipses at 7 years of age and wanted an explanation as to why it was to be a partial eclipse and wanted to know if penumbral was just a fancy way of saying “partial”. I lived in a small town and my elementary school had a very decent library with librarians that would help me find out whatever I could but it wasn’t always easy. We didn’t have the most up to date encyclopedias and the astronomy selection in the science section was stocked mostly with glossy picture books about the planets. When I was 11 years old the school let us all go out and “view” the solar eclipse that occurred near the end of the 1983- 84 school year. Of course we made the standard shadow boxes and were taught to never ever look at the sun but I could NOT resist taking peaks as the sun was nearly covered by the shadow of Earth. The world around me took on a weird dimness and I felt the magic of the eclipse and understood why ancient cultures felt that eclipses were so significant. I felt a little privileged to be living in a time in which we knew the cause and the exact timing of the sun going dim but I also felt a little deprived to be living in a world without the belief that the happenings in our sky held signs and omens that shaped human events and rituals.

We had 14 eclipses in the 1980s that kept me interested in the sun and moon and their relationship with Earth. During that time I had begun studying the stars and could point out most of the well known constellations and planets to anyone that would listen to me. In central Florida where I grew up I was far away from big city lights and could clearly see the milky way like diamonds poured out across the dark velvet sky. I think at first people were slightly amused at my enthusiasm and stories about the night sky but after a few years they started to call ME when they had a question. I would get questions about something very bright or very twinkly or streaking overhead and I usually had the answers (Venus, Sirius, the Orionids meteor shower). I had learned all of my information thus far in the age before the “information super highway” or Google and had done so by visiting libraries and reading outdated books at my school. I was never too sure of my pronunciation of astronomical names and phrases because I mostly just read about them and didn’t have anyone teaching me how to say them.

There was another HUGE sky event in 80’s that had people talking and excited. Halley’s Comet came through in 1986 which was the year I turned 13 and boy did it get a lot of build up! I was pretty excited about it and couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be here for the famous comets return. I studied where and when to look and read all about Samuel Langhorne Clemens and his desire to go out with the 1910 passing of the comet because he had been born during it’s appearance in 1835. I had been spouting facts about an ancient Greek comet that had all of the characteristics of Halley’s so it MUST have been the same comet. I was so full of information that I was glad when someone would ask me about it. Apparently a lot of people including adults had the idea that it would be SUPER BRIGHT or that it would streak by like a “shooting star” and I was happy to correct this misinformation. Turns out many people were disappointed that year including myself. One of my uncles said to me “I went outside last night and didn’t see anything flying over but an airplane.” Some nights during Halley’s visit my dad would take us out into a field and let us use his gigantic binoculars to look for the comet on clear dark nights. We were able to see it but it was HARD. The binoculars were powerful and heavy which made it hard to keep them steady enough for a clear view. I tried to slow my breath and the beat of my heart. With patience I was able to get a pretty good look at the smudge of a comet in the night sky and after several nights I was able to make out that distant smudge with my naked eye! I was initially disappointed with my view of the comet and others would make comments about wasting their time or exclaim “THAT is all it is?!” when I pointed it out for them. I was able to regain my own enthusiasm for the event my giving friends and family some facts about what we were looking up at. I would say “yeah, but it is on the opposite side of the sun from us” and when they were still mumbling unimpressed I would say “Hey, it’s 39 MILLION miles away and you can SEE IT!” then someone might say “I can’t actually see it though” and I would say “focus right beside it because sometimes it easier to see when you don’t look right at it” which didn’t go over very well. One time I was trying to impress whoever was out in the dark field with me by saying “there are TWO meteor showers associated with Halley’s Comet!” and I got a couple of “cools” and an “awesome, are they happening tonight!?” I wished I could say yes but replied “uhhhhh no… but if you stay out here for awhile looking up you will see a random shooting star just like every other night.” which was followed by a long pause while we all looked up then “Ohhhhh kaaaay” This was a tough crowd. Some people seemed to be disappointed in ME because I had built the comet up over several months and they felt as if I had tricked them.

Over the years I saw people get all excited about upcoming events only to be let down at the reality so I stopped building things up for people and stopped volunteering information about things that I was interested in. If someone asked me a question I was all to happy to give them all of the information they wanted but I mostly stopped inviting people out to look at meteor showers and planets with me. I did have a few younger cousins and a couple of older cousins that would occasionally watch the night sky with me but it seemed to me that there wasn’t much room for it in the adult world. One thing that everyone still seemed to get excited about though was THE ECLIPSE. I started to think of the eclipse as the easy way to get people into my world of astronomy.

Not long after the passing of Halley’s comet I received a decent Meade telescope for Christmas. Having a telescope was amazing for me and I used it throughout the year spending many hours alone beneath the dome of the sky. My dad spent more time with me and my ‘scope than anyone else did and I will never forget the time we spent taking turns at the eye piece looking at the moon and the planets. I remember the very first thing I looked at through my telescope. My dad was with me and I was trying to follow the directions for using the new tripod to position my new telescope to view Sirius close to the horizon. It was super bright and super twinkly and very colorful. I didn’t want to spend too much time reading the manual so I grabbed the largest lens (which turns out to be the lowest magnification) and popped it into the 90 degree diagonal prism and aimed the end of my ‘scope at the big bright twinkly star figuring that it would be about the easiest thing to find. Almost right away I spotted the BIG bright scintillating light and got super excited. I was bouncing up and down on the inside but being very careful and deliberate on the outside. The image I was seeing was big and fuzzy so I started to dial the focus in….the image got BIGGER but I realized that it was also getting fuzzier so I dialed the knob the other direction. As the image sharpened it got smaller and smaller but still seemed to be twinkling even though it wasn’t as colorful. I was amazed at how alive the star appeared through the lens. I started to feel like an astronomer making a discovery because it seemed like small objects were darting in and out and around the star. I couldn’t believe what I WAS SEEING! I actually gasped aloud. I couldn’t believe it until I realized exactly what I was looking at. The end of my scope had dropped slightly and rather than being aimed at the “dog star” it was aimed and now perfectly focused on a street light about half a mile away that had moths and beetles darting around it and banging into the light. It was a really great close up of the light. I remember the feeling of being dumbfounded and nonplussed and then laughing so hard at the realization that I was looking at something on planet Earth. I let my dad have a look and we both just laughed and laughed. He told me to let that be a lesson to me. I took that to mean that perspective and focus are important and that our ideas can be changed by focus or the lack thereof without even knowing what we’re really looking at.

Me having this telescope sort of got people’s attention again. In the summer of 1989 I was 16 years old and we had a total lunar eclipse. It was a spectacular event because it went on for HOURS and it occurred a few days after the peak of the Perseid meteor shower so we saw several “shooting stars” as well. It was a warm night, we were still out of school for the summer so I had friends and family come over to look through my telescope. People always asked to come look through it whenever there was a meteor shower even though I explained that meteor showers couldn’t be viewed through a telescope. So while we were all out in the field I would let people take turns looking through my telescope. They oohed and ahhed as I aimed and focused on Saturn and it rings, or Jupiter and it’s moons or our own moon and it’s many mare and craters. I had my crowd back. I will never forget that night as long as I live. I was having conversations about eclipses and meteor showers and the comets that caused them and people were actually listening and amazed and excited like I was. I remember specifically telling people that this was one of the best eclipses so far and that I regretted that I wasn’t aware of the one in 1982 that had been an eclipse at PERIGEE that was the second full moon of the month which made it a blue moon. I told them how very rare it was and how there wouldn’t be another blue perigee lunar eclipse until I was FORTY FOUR YEARS OLD!! I couldn’t imagine how the world would be in thirty years. I had no idea where I would be but I knew that I would be watching that eclipse! I had no idea that the term “supermoon” would replace “full moon at perigee” or how I would fight that change at first before grudgingly accepting it and then coming to sorta kinda like it….even though I can’t stop myself from telling people that I had been a moon freak or “lunatic” before it was cool and that the terms supermoon and micromoon were very recent creations even though the moon has been doing those particular tricks forever.

This morning less than a month before my 45th birthday I stood alone on the balcony of a very old mansion along the Indian River as I watched the moon that I had told my crowd about 30 years ago. It was a beautiful rare blue super eclipsing moon. It was worth the wait even though from my vantage point it was setting before it reached totality. I was NOT disappointed. In fact it was better than I had come to
expect it to be for me. I thought clouds would probably block it. In recent years I have lowered my expectations which means simply that I am less disappointed with celestial events as well as terrestrial ones. Everything is amazing and wonderful. Just the fact that a round glob of goop in my face has a lens that allows light in to a bigger glob of goop in my skull which translates into images so that I can see what is happening around me even light years away is mind numbing. More mind numbing even than a street light surrounded by bugs on a cold night in Florida.

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scene behind me

Survival Instinct 

I think that deep down we all know that the end is THE END. That we all return to the void that we were before we were conceived. We don’t experience the void because we are not conscious. We don’t exist before conception and we won’t exist again. Otherwise why would there be the survival instinct? We can all TRY to fool ourselves into believing that we believe in an afterlife but if we do then why do we fight to stay in this life or dread death? The pain and scariness of the actual act of DYING is understandable but the terror of being dead forever is ridiculous. We weren’t ALIVE for most of time and even the oldest person’s life is short compared to the the time that they are not alive. Deep down there is a certainty that we will soon be nonexistent again. Nonexistence is the easy part but it is not enjoyable. Even pain and uncertainty are an experience. Nonexistence is the absence of experience and I can see how that can be attractive to people struggling in this life but the beauty is in the struggle. The void may seem beautiful from this side and the thought of never ever struggling again is certainly attractive but the knowledge that it is not only unavoidable but also permanent is reason enough to put it off for as long as possible. If we TRULY believed there was a future to experience after death we would not have a survival instinct that kicks in when our consciousness is threatened. We would not gasp for breath or claw our way to the surface. We would simply relax into our exit or be excited for the adventure of the next phase of existence. We wouldn’t come up with elaborate bed time stories of paradise to comfort us about death. Enjoy life because just like anyone that has ever lived or will live it’s the only one you get. This life is precious and beautiful for no other reason than that it is PRECIOUS and BEAUTIFUL and it doesn’t have to mean a thing.

Drunken Overshare

If I honestly believed that one day I would meet someone that I could honestly believe in then I would save myself. I wouldn’t be buzzing around like the only bee around to fertilize the entire field of wild flowers. I would let the wind pollinate the field so that when I finally met the flower that accepted me the way that I accept all of the plants in the meadow it would be more amazing than anything has ever been. I would spend this time preserving myself for the future that I had faith in.

If I thought it was possible to somehow interact from the very 1st meeting without any of my defense mechanisms automatically popping up it might make it easier to accept that I could be known and believed in and accepted forever. But I would have to be asleep or in a coma and I couldn’t even introduce myself.

Since I don’t believe that there is anyone out there that would cherish the comatose me I will continue to connect in the only way that I’m not concerned about rejection. Even if it doesn’t fill me with joy it distracts me from my loss of faith for a fairy tale happy ending.

I’ll just have to live with physical “happy endings” and hope that I don’t meet that unimaginably amazing person after I’m all used up and have a busted ass liver. The person that is too good to be true would love me anyway, no matter what and then I would feel just awful for ruining myself before they could know me. Welcome to Conundrum City. ~ Kiddo 9-15-2013

In my bed…

The night following a very rare night that I didn’t sleep alone my big ol’ bed seems so empty. Not in a good way or in a bad way just very empty. I really notice the emptiness but I thought about it tonight differently. I am 42 years of age. I was with the same man for only 20 years of it. I have slept more nights in bed alone than not alone so I should view that as the norm. I can stretch out naked spread-eagled across the bed with no one to enjoy the view and feel entirely free

Philosophical Rant

All I can say about today is “UGH” and  “I’M UP TO THE CHALLENGE!!” Sometimes ppl will accuse me of being a pessimist (usually when I point out something to do with my looks or position in life) and sometimes people’ll accuse me of being an optimist but in both cases I respond the same way: I’m a realist…I see the truth and I’m not afraid of it. Life is beautiful. Life is discouraging and ugly but NOTHING can take away from the fact that despite the beauty and the ugliness we can CHOOSE to enjoy it and wring every bit of pleasure from it….and in that way even the ugliest circumstance becomes immeasurably  gorgeous. …so beautiful that it brings tears to the eyes….I have THOUSANDS of photos of beautiful sunrises,sunsets, storms and rainbows. ..they’re all spectacular and worth living to see the next one. The greatest wonders in life are free and just accessible to the pauper as the prince…priceless in their originality just as much as in their promise to come again in a slightly different incarnation. Life is a series of cycles. Tiny little cycles too small to notice and enormous cycles so big we could NEVER comprehend them and no matter if time is linear or deviant  we can experience it only one moment at a time….each moment to be appreciated or ignored. If we fully experienced each moment we would be useless….so we are open to distraction and interpretation which actually preserves us but the truth remains and our lives are the results of our random as well as meaningful choices. We are all but pixels in the bigger picture. The smaller we make our universe the more significance we play in it and the grander we make existence the less influence we have on it. Some people say look at the bigger picture without realizing that the enormity of the actual BIGGER picture is that we have absolutely no influence on the cosmos as individuals….so I choose to live the not so big picture and actually make a postive difference in the lives of my loved ones and my community. If everyone chose to do so the world would be infinitely better and the universe and the multiverse as well…but science decrees that a positive can’t exist without a negative which is great because I love lightning and magnets and equal and opposite reactions and sometimes the best thing to accept is that I only have so much power and therefore a limited responsibility even though the potential is available if we ALLL worked together. The chance that all creatures will work together for the greater good is slim to none which basically means that the pressure is off. Enjoy your little slice of life. That’s the way the cookie crumbles, the ball bounces and let the chips fall as they may. It’s all good. Inhale love exhale love…not one breathe wasted 🙂

Kiddo Uncompromised

“When the moisture on my face is a mixture of sweat, raindrops from the literal storm that I am running through, tears of pain and doubt that I refuse to hold back and tears of pure joy at the beauty of my life that’s when I know that I have lived. I am in this moment truly ALIVE!”
~ Kiddo (6-10-15)

I have been a runner my entire life. I have been running since before running was “cool”. In the 70’s I didn’t need a cool head band, sneakers and jogging shorts. All I needed was my barefeet and ground to cover. I didn’t wear hairbands and ponytail holders because I had a sensitive scalp and was prone to headaches so I tended to run against the wind when I could. The wind not only kept my straggly hair out of my face allowing me to see where I was going but it also made me earn every inch of ground that I crossed. Sometimes I would run against wind so STRONG that it seemed like I was running in place. To me this was a good time. I never looked for the path of least resistance and I felt like the more challenging something was to do the more it was worth doing. I didn’t run for financial gain or for health or for the recognition of others. I RAN FOR THE PURE JOY OF IT.

In the 80’s I was encouraged to join the track team at school and since I loved running and jumping I did. I was one of the best on the team and my biggest problem (as well as my coach’s ) was that I could only participate in three events per track meet. I ran the mile run every single meet but I also ran the mile relay (as the anchor or catch up runner) and did the long jump and the high jump depending on where I was needed most for a particular event. One thing that allowed me to really shine was when the runners would have to run against the wind. Most of the runners in Jr high and high school hated running against the wind and were very discouraged by it. Not me. I would tuck my chin, fold my lips in to keep them from drying out and slow my breath to avoid flaring my nostrils. My hair would fly out behind me and I would be a kid again running for the pure joy of it like my Creek ancestors did generations ago.

Even as someone that truly loves running there would be times as a teenager that I would want to quit. Training to run sometimes took some of the fun out it. Occasionally, I would rather be doing something other than running and I would MAKE myself run at least 5 miles. When my dad got in on my training and would have me drink 5 raw eggs before running 5 miles every morning no matter what the weather I started to lose my joy. I truly hated running in the cold. When I found myself focusing on how far I would still have to go I would make myself stop thinking like that. I trained myself to look back on how far I had gone. The truth is that just running ONE mile was an accomplishment. There was no failure. At first I would have to make myself flip my perspective from one of dreading the distance yet to go to appreciating how far I had gone. The higher the number of laps or miles I had ran grew the more I would feel like I could quit at anytime and still have won. Even giving myself permission to quit I wouldn’t quit because the pressure was off and it was basically a game to see how far I could push myself.

Once again I have found myself in the position of being a single unemployed mother and I can’t help but feel the importance of the decisions I make in the near future. There’s WEIGHT to my choices simply because I am not the only one effected by them. Weight isn’t necessarily a bad thing though. It makes us see what we consider important. It makes us stop and truly think about our decisions. In fact, I have a few weights that I have been carrying around for the majority of my life that I hope to never lose. When I was seven years old running barefooted through a field near my home I was stopped short by something that looked like an egg. It was a blur beneath my feet as I zoomed past it but I came to a screeching halt and walked back about 10 yards to see this bird egg. When I got back to it I discovered that it wasn’t an egg at all. I had found a perfectly smooth, cool to the touch even in the mid-day sun, stone! I started calling it my pet rock because pet rocks had been really cool about 5 years before and this was the coolest natural rock I had ever seen. I had seen plenty of perfectly smooth rocks in rivers in the Carolinas and Tennessee but this was in the middle of a dry field in central Florida and nearly perfectly round. I thought it was amazing and I have carried that rock with me for about 35 years. In 1992 when I was 19yrs old I discovered another weight that I loved so much I had to have it. This discovery was a paper weight I unpacked at Cracker Barrel while I was stocking the gift shop with new items. It was just a glob of glass, with different coloured glass inside to look like two dolphins swimming in the ocean. I loved it and bought it with my employee discount. That was 23 years ago. I have kept both of my weights with me through thick and thin. Even when I didn’t have a place of my own and I was backpacking through the southeastern states I kept these two weights. I never even used them to hold down papers. I kept these items with me because they were beautiful to look at and felt great in my hands. One seemed to be shaped and smoothed by nature and the other was intentionally crafted my a human. Both of these weights were shaped by outside forces exerted on them but both of them were beautiful as a result and their form was even more impressive to me than their function. Everytime I had to sort through my belongings and choose necessities I kept both of these weights. I kept them through spring cleanings and chaff clearings and they have been with me for the good and the not so good. I’ve kept these weights through my ups and downs because I value what we’ve been through together and they’re lovely to behold.

This afternoon I went for my run and I have so much energy since I haven’t worked in four days. I’m like a cross between Sarah Connor and those treadmill dancers and I just enjoy myself as I cruise on down the road. I had a great playlist of songs that I totally enjoyed running to. The songs gave me an opportunity to change my pace and move to different rhythms. The wind was in my face and it started to rain and I was completely ALIVE.

I am NOT scared of the future. I know that even if I don’t find a job in time to keep our apartment that my heart will keep on beating and I will still live, laugh and love beneath the sun and the clouds and the beauty of the night sky. Life is about ups and downs and round and rounds. I truly love roller coasters and I will make the best of the ride.

When I think about the uncertainty of the future I remind myself that no one’s future is certain. Even people who think that their path is set and that they know where they’re going they are not CERTAIN of how things will turn out. If you’re under the illusion that your future is set I hope that you’re not proven wrong. I hope that you’re not caught off guard. If your life goes exactly according to plan then I am HAPPY for you. I also will feel a little bit sorry for you because you won’t know how you can roll with the changes. You won’t find out about your ability to go with the flow and learn to compromise without compromising your true self. I lost my job four days ago for being true to myself and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Life is beautiful even as it’s uncertain and I am happy with that. I look back on my life and see that I might’ve made different choices in retrospect but we don’t have the ability to go back and make changes. Even though there are a few things I would do differently if given the option to go back I am glad that I can’t. Every choice and every consequence that I lived through has shaped me and strengthened me to be what I am today. Every worry I have ever had has been pointless unless I see it as a learning experience. I worried about things that weren’t necessary because things work out one way or another and often times things that I worried about never came true. These things still teach me about the things that are important to me and give me an appreciation for how things turn out. When I had just given birth to my first child I was genuinely concerned that his tiny mouth couldn’t possibly latch onto my giant nipple but the nurse assured me that this wouldn’t be a problem. She had experience and she turned out to be right. Now that little baby is making his way through the world and driving himself around in his own car going about his business never knowing that at one time I was worried that he might not be able to nurse.

Life works out and life is beautiful. It’s all about the journey because the destination is the end of life and we will all get there eventually. If it were possible to stand before my ancestors and my posterity I would proudly say that I lived my life true to me. I’m a hedonist and enjoy life fully but I have made a positive difference in the lives that I have touched. I have made the world a better place and I have cooperated along the way but I never compromised. I have run with the wind at my back but I was truly alive when I ran against the wind with my straggly hair flying out behind me earning every inch of ground that I covered.

Hopefully I will find a good job soon that both pays the bills and allows me to be a service to others without being a disservice to myself. Until that time I will do my best to make it happen but I will not worry about the future. The future is uncertain but it will happen no matter what.

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The 2 weights that I choose to carryThe 2 weights that I choose to carry

imageMy playlist for my run tonight My playlist for my run tonight

My playlist for my run tonight

I wish you could read this but I have already sent enough post -breakup emails to qualify as pathetic

I would like to remember our first kiss:
As we watch tv and talk about the slow movie our legs barely touch as if by accident , hands cautiously beginning to casually explore , until finally without permission we kiss. There wasn’t a moment of hesitation. The whole night had been leading to this.

It is our first kiss, and we make it last…

We kiss as if we’ve done this before but it is so new and I just want more of you. I gently kiss your mouth, and breathe along your neck. My hand in your heavenly scented delicious hair as I kiss your chin and your belly and your thighs . And we talk as we do this. We get to know each other as we slowly discover each other with our bodies. We communicate with and without words. It is intoxicating to change the way your mouth is moving by moving mine against it. And I lay you down and I lay beside you and over you and we look at each other with bright excited eyes. I hold your eyes with mine as I run my finger tips up your legs because I want you to watch me touch you and I want to feel it from your point of view. I want to touch you more and deeply. I slowly start to peel away your clothing to learn more of you , and I touch your breast, which is close to your heart. And you touch and kiss me, but I do not pay attention to me, I pay attention to you. I drown in the scent and taste and feel of you.

Time happens. We happen. It is amazing and indescribable so I won’t even try. You felt it too so you know what I mean.

You decide that I will leave so we won’t get caught. I want to stay but I look forward to the drive home. It is dark out and no one can see me doing my happy dance. Your scent is all over me and the car smells like heaven. I am effervescent with joy from the best first date ever. I know how the excitement of a night like this tries to hide the fact that connecting in such an intense way from the beginning will make the pain more intense if I return for more. I decide to never see you again so this will remain perfect yet I am greedy for that bonding that always seems to be temporary. So I decide to risk it. The thought of seeing you again is intoxicating

I may seem strong—but I wanted to ask you to be careful with my heart. My heart loves too deeply when at all. Instead I said this means nothing. It’s just fun. So fun. And you agree that night and the next day.

You did not see me as a fortress even though I put up my walls to protect myself. Walls to keep me safe from getting lost in you but you didn’t see them and eventually my walls became invisible even to me and I did not protect myself and I did get lost in you. I was kinder with your heart than you were with mine. But that was okay, it was worth it just to be around your excitement for life even if you weren’t excited to be with me anymore. So I stayed long after I knew you had forgotten that first kiss.

I stayed because I remembered those first three months when we spent so many nights dripping with joy. I tried to give you time to find us again. You’d be back to me soon you kept saying and I knew it would be totally worth the wait. I knew that if I waited until your passion for life included me again everything would be happiness. Until I realized that you wouldn’t be coming back to me and in fact I saw that you knew this too and the guilt you felt over that made me call it quits. Throwing in the towel rather than contending for your heart. I didn’t want you to feel bad for not being into us anymore.

And I thank you for this delicious privilege, which was to be part of your excitement for awhile. Your passion is amazing to witness and almost unbearable when your passion was for me. I ALMOST wish we had never kissed except for the fact that I know I will get over this stupid broken heart. Even though the brokenness makes my heart feel bigger than it is – it’s actually just the size of my little fist and not very big at all. In the beginning your love was just as big as my hurt is now but you got over it in a matter of months so I know that big things fade away into nothingness and I think that maybe we’re both better off for having the experience of the ups and downs of the roller coaster of our love. Thanks for the ride.
Now I am finding myself again.

Self-diagnosed & self-medicating DIY addict

    Hello my name is Kiddo and I am addicted to doing it myself. No matter what it is. So I have diagnosed myself and I do self medicate for being a DIY addict. With my busy schedule I rarely do crafts and I never get a chance to build anything with my hands anymore or even rearrange my furniture so I am not referring to those types of DIY projects. I live my life by doing ALMOST everything myself. It’s not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing it’s just the way I am. There are advantages and disadvantages to being self-reliant.

     As a self-reliant person I save time by not waiting for other people to do simple chores like mowing the lawn, straightening up the house, unclogging drains, repairing leaky pipes, emptying the trash bins, cooking, laundry etc. Whenever I do ask someone else do these minor tasks for me I end up doing them anyway because I don’t like waiting. Maybe in this case I am just impatient. I don’t complain that the other person didn’t move fast enough I just decide to go ahead and do it myself. Sometimes the other person says “Hey! I was going to do that” and I say “I know, it’s okay I got it”. Usually I just don’t ask because I know that I won’t wait.

     As a person that believes that each able bodied person should be capable if necessary of making changes in their lives for the sake of their own happiness I’ve never felt the need to use props, programs,medications or substitutes to quit smoking or drinking. I stopped each several times and know that I can again if I want to. I just have to want to enough to struggle through it on my own. I am also good at justifying my bad habits…as long as I’m practicing my Everything in Moderation theme then I should be okay. If I end up not okay it’s still okay because eventually we’ll all be equally okay.

      I don’t ask many questions. If I need to know something my first response isn’t asking someone else it’s seeking the knowledge myself. There’s so much information out there that I can find it usually quite easily and sometimes even multiple contradicting answers to the same question. Then I just have to figure out what I believe to be most likely. If I need to get somewhere and Google Maps is wrong I will figure it out on my own. Rather than asking others to tell me from their experience what will happen if I do this or that I like to learn as I go. The same holds true for my faith in the universe and what happens after we die. I like to hear other people’s opinion but it doesn’t really change what I think and feel about the biggest questions we have as humans. I almost never ask for forgiveness from people. I will admit to it when I do something wrong whether intentionally or by accident. If they forgive me then fine but if they don’t that’s fine too. Forgiveness I only require from myself. Each person should forgive others if they’re holding something against them because it’s just a better way to live but I don’t require others to forgive me. There are things that I’ve done that I will never forgive myself for but I do move on and continue my go with the flow lifestyle

      In the kitchen I also just do it however I feel like doing it. I don’t use recipes and I never even measure so each of my dishes is always a once in a lifetime event. I just figure I know the basics and the principals of how cooking works so I’ve never felt the need for recipes. I do enjoy reading recipe books sometimes but it’s like window shopping.

     When it comes to inspiration and motivation I don’t look to others to do it for me. I inspire and motivate myself. Of course I have only myself to blame for not meeting my goals. When I exercise I know that not one other person on the planet gives a shit if I run or not. Nobody cares or even notices if I gain five pounds or if I lose the triceps and abs that I worked so hard for. I exercise only for myself. When my alarm goes off in the morning I just get up and go to work. No one has to keep waking me up or remind me that if I don’t hurry  I will be late. It’s amazing that there are so many adults that can’t get themselves up everyday. Basic life skills shouldn’t be as hard as some people seem to make them. I am inspired by the world around me and the amazing people I know personally and by those I hear about or read about but if I found no other person’s life or struggle or their empowerment inspirational I would still be inspired.

     A few of the things that inspire me that have nothing to do with other people: Rain, storms, lightning,  warm breezes, cool breezes, STRONG WINDS, the moon, the stars, beaches, the oceans, rivers, puddles, teensy tiny droplets of dew, sunrises, sunsets, the way the light changes mood and the way shadows play a huge role in our lives even though we don’t even realize it. My human body, how amazing it is and how fragile it is and how it changes over time.

    I have diagnosed myself as being a DIY addict and now I will even psychoanalyze myself. It’s definitely NOT because I am a control freak. – I’m so easy going that I don’t complain when the day goes according to someone else’s whims EVEN WHEN I VERY MUCH WANT TO DO SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD. I may get aggravated but I wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone else with my aggravation. I’m pretty sure the REAL reason I do everything myself is because I don’t want to be helpless or vulnerable. I want to be able to take care of myself. I need to be capable of doing whatever it takes for whatever situation I find myself in. If my tire goes flat on a desolate stretch of highway at midnight, or if the thatched roof of my hut is crashed in by a heavy coconut palm while I am out on my raft during a thunderstorm I want to know that I will be able to push or pull and repair or rebuild. When technology doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do and my paycheck doesn’t get deposited on time or the light fixtures inexplicably fall from the kitchen ceiling I want to know that I won’t fall apart. I will be able to improvise if necessary and think on my feet. I want to know that I can rely on myself because I know it’s a gamble to rely on anyone else. 

  As an example of my extremes for those that don’t follow me: I recently needed to get 2 cars 7 miles by myself so I decided rather than wait until the next day when someone would be available to help me that I would do it myself. I drove one car half a mile and ran back to the other car and drove it a mile and ran back the half mile to the other car. It was a beautiful evening to see the world close up rather than zipping by in my car and also I was thankful that the reason I was hoofing it across town was because I had TOO MANY cars rather than no car. I have walked, skated, biked and jogged down those same streets because I didn’t have transportation so this was a better “problem” to have. I won’t say that my leap frog method was speedier or more efficient than having someone else drive one of the cars for me but the job was finished sooner and I didn’t have to inconvenience anyone other than myself. I don’t mind inconvenience. Life isn’t about convenience it’s about…well it’s about a lot.

     On the flip side of doing everything myself I do understand that people occasionally need help. I think that most people’s first response is to ask someone else to help them rather than trying to figure out how to do something on their own.  I almost never tell someone that I won’t or can’t help them even if it inconveniences me a great deal to do so. Since I have to REALLY want or need help to ask for it I always feel like the person asking me for help must really need me to help them. It seems very hard for me to ask anyone to inconvenience themselves for my sake so it makes sense that if they’re asking me then they must be out of options. I always say yes. I am a ‘yes’ person. Sometimes I wish I could become a ‘NO’ person but I can’t. Doing everything myself AND helping everyone that asks can be very exhausting but it let’s me live guilt free.

I won’t even get into how my need to give and receive intimate personal pleasure falls into my DIY addiction. That’s another post entirely

 To help the young people reading this:

Worksheet: WHEN DO YOU ASK FOR HELP?

The following questions will help you think about why people ask for help or don’t ask for help.

1. Check the answer that most applies to you.

________ I always ask for help when I need it.

_________ I sometimes ask for help when I need it.

________ I rarely ask for help even when Ineed it.

2. We all have times when we do ask for help. When are you most likely to ask someone else for help? (Examples: at home, from a friend, when the task is new)

3. We all also have times when we just won’t ask for help. When are you most likely to avoid asking for help?

4. Rate the following questions as True or False.

_____ Asking for help in class makes you look needy or nerdy.

_____ Asking for help shows that you are thinking about what you are learning.

_____ Asking for help puts other students in an awkward position.

_____ Asking for help means that you trust the teacher to help you.

_____ Asking for help means you are the teacher’s favorite or a teacher’s “pet”.

5. What did you learn about yourself and how you ask for help? Is there anything you think you may want to change in how you ask or do not ask for help?