survival

D-I-V-O-R-C-E…

Kiddo's Korner 24/7 Leave a comment

If you want to read the short version:
I was alive. I got married. I was left. I died. I was reborn. I live.

If you actually want to read the long version:

The End
The day that I would’ve bet my life would never arrive came anyway. I guess in a way I did bet my life. That impossible day was the legal end of what I believed with my whole heart was the greatest love story ever lived. Turned out the story was a tragedy. I lost my husband and ‘best friend forever’ simultaneously.

    I’m sure there were a few people who were relieved that the day was finally upon us so that I would quit harping on it (ironic since I was once again to be a Harper but I’m sure I will find another subject to harp on) and we could all just get on with our lives and enjoy the holidays. I am not a drama queen and actually didn’t go on and on about my personal problems but I know the tension others feel when faced with any friends life upheaval.
The morning of the hearing a Tammy Wynette song kept playing in my head (I’m sure I don’t have to spell it out for you ;} ) Another song, Will You Marry Me? by Jason Derulo, came on while I was driving home from work but I didn’t change the radio because I was already crying. I started crying at work at least 4 times that night as I plodded my way through third shift. Anyone staying at the Marriott or Oceana Palms in the next few days would definitely have my tears on their towels and washcloths. I tried to keep the snot off the linens but I can’t make any promises. I’m sure the Spanish speaking ladies were thinking “man those blue and white towels really get to Chetty”

   When my sons first offered to go with me to the courthouse I was against it and told them that they probably didn’t really want to. I told them “Mamma is gonna be a MESS”, but now I’m glad they insisted that they wanted to be there to support me. I’m truly blessed. They decided to dress in black/dark colors because they wanted to dress as if they were attending a funeral. It’s a momentous day in their lives too. I adore my children.

   The man-child that left me asked if he could come get dressed at my house to go divorce me. I declined his request and told him to get dressed at one of his girlfriend’s houses or one of his new friends that he said would do anything for him. I figured he would also want to ride with me to the courthouse but I’m not driving anyone to divorce me. Today is hard enough already. When he first left me I cried for weeks then thought I was over it until six weeks later when I started filling out the paperwork and I was crying on the legal documents. Two months after he left me I filed the divorce papers at the courthouse and that really tore me apart. I thought I was over it again but the final hearing took me right back into shock and full on broken-heartedness. I’m sure our wedding anniversary will also be hard for me.

    Life as a single woman/mother at 40 had challenges that I thought I would never face but I knew that I have always been good at challenges. I did my own paperwork and filing so I was a little nervous that at the hearing some technicality would arise and keep the divorce from becoming final. I honestly couldn’t wait for it to be over.

    Days before our divorce court date the boys told me that after the proceedings they wanted the three of us to go have lunch and do something fun together. I couldn’t tell them no even though I really needed sleep to get me thru the next two days of my busy schedule working the graveyard shift at an industrial laundry and teaching yoga and group fitness classes in the mornings and evenings. I got off from work about 6:00a.m. and went home and showered and dressed for court. The boys and I drove to the courthouse without much conversation. I told them again that they did not need to go in and watch their parents get divorced but they insisted that they wanted to sit next to me until my case was called and then walk out with me afterward.
We survived. I stood in front of the judge and cried as I answered the questions but that’s appropriate I guess because almost 18 years before I stood in front of a judge and cried as I answered those questions too. Different questions and different tears and nobody smiling at how adorable my tears were. I must say that the judge was very kind as I tried to answer the questions with tears streaming down my face. He asked the bailiff to get me a tissue but there were none. I was handed a brown scratchy paper towel like from elementary school. The bailiff apologized and said no one usually needs a tissue anymore. How sad is that?
I’m so happy my kids were there to hold me. I’m a very fortunate person to have so many beautiful people in my life. I couldn’t have asked for a better divorce day and I have many people to thank for that. I loved and appreciated everyone’s support, positive energy and prayers. I loved that there was beauty to be found amidst despair. I was thankful that I would get to have the holidays and start the new year with all of this behind me. I’m thankful for my sons for showing more strength and character than I could imagine. My sons amaze me daily.

   I’m thankful that I had a lot of people supporting me and I appreciated it at the time more than words can say (and I’ve proven words can say a LOT! :] ) I let all of my friends and acquaintances on social media know that “D Day” had arrived and posted “If you’re so inclined send vibes/prayers of strength for me today. The hearing is at 2:15.”
Isn’t it amazing how social media has just become a part of our lives? We use social media for more than funny photos and sharing other people’s posts. We use it for more than selfies and posting photos of our meals. I was so thankful that I could keep everyone informed with posts rather than having to speak to everyone on the phone. I did talk on the phone to a few of my really close friends and family members but a lot of crying was involved so the internet was just easier for everyone. Throughout my entire ordeal I was able to keep everyone updated and even read public replies in privacy and feel connected and bolstered throughout every stage of my new comdramedy life. Even as I was shattered beyond repair I was held loosely together by the positive comments and energy that people were sharing with me. I know I am not the only person to have ever been left. Divorce is nothing new. I had been hurt before and I am sure that I will be again but at the end of a twenty one year relationship it felt like no one had ever been hurt as deeply as me. I know as a mother that there are worse things than being left by a spouse and if given a choice between other tragedies and this I would gladly choose this one again.  Even a year later the pain of being abandoned by the one person that I stuck by through the wonderful beautiful days and the horrible awful times is present daily. I’m sure the pain will always be there but I haven’t fallen to the ground sobbing too hard to hold myself up in over a year. The pain is no longer so big that it’s literally suffocating. There were many many days that I felt I would never make it. I didn’t make a scene or cry out for help. I knew my friends were there if I needed to talk or cry but I chose not to burden them further. They had already helped me through all of my darkest days and that strengthened me through-out the months of finding my way. I didn’t have time to wallow. For the first time in almost two decades I needed a job. I needed to support myself and my sons. My sons are the reason I get up every single day and take care of business. I allowed myself time to fall apart between working, teaching and being a mother. I wailed and bawled but never let it interfere with my responsibilities.

  I survived. I surmounted. I fell completely apart several times but I had people around me to help me to pick myself back up. There’s a very distinct difference between picking someone up and giving them the support needed to pick themselves up. It’s been a year since the divorce and eighteen months since the love of my life walked out on me.  I am light and love and pure joy. The true me is thrilled with the beauty of life. I’m in a groove and I don’t mean the rut kinda groove. I’m moving forward. I’ve got this.
The Beginning…..

My heart is driving a used Dodge Neon…

Kiddo's Korner 24/7 1 Comment

I just gave my oldest son his first car. It goes against every protective motherly instinct I have to protect my babies. I know my babies are both taller than me now but that doesn’t make them impervious to danger. Anyone that has known me knows that I didn’t even buy my kids a bicycle. They got bikes for their birthdays from their aunt & uncle but I had to stay in the house while they learned to ride them. They were six and eight years old so they didn’t need training wheels but I was too terrified to watch them riding and crashing in the street. I even turned up the radio so that I couldn’t hear as they crashed over and over again. They were both learning and crashed head on right into each other. They thought it was funny.

My son didn’t ask for a car. He knows the budget is tight and that I am paying all of the bills and taking care of them with just my paycheck. He did mention getting a job but I want him to start his college education and then work his job around his class schedule and not the other way around. I told him that I was getting him a car so that he could schedule an appointment with the local campus and restart his journey to a higher education that was detoured when I became single. I also told him that with a car he could help out by taking care of some errands for him and his brother since I am gone at least 12 hours most days. He still has his learner’s permit but has been driving with me in the car in the evenings and to church on Sundays for awhile. He has an appointment to take his driving test on the next weekday I have off. I want him to be prepared and comfortable so he passes the test on the first try. I’ve pointed out that people have been getting rear-ended since cars were invented even before cell phones quadrupled the number of avoidable accidents. I tell him over and over “watch where you’re going, keep an eye on your mirrors, keep space between you and other vehicles at all times even when stopped. Expect cars to pull out in front of you, be ready for people to plow through red lights…don’t be scared but BE READY for anything. I see accidents every single day that didn’t have to happen if people were paying attention”

I bought his car, got it insured, (DEAR LORD INSURANCE FOR A TEENAGED BOY IS TRIPLE WHAT MINE IS!) and paid over $600 for tax title and tag and that was not the end of the challenge.

My ex couldn’t help pay for any of this but it was all my idea anyway and I didn’t expect him to be able to help financially. I mean being a single man with a motorcycle to support has it’s own challenges as we all know. He did tell me if I needed help getting the car home to just let him know so I text him that I was picking up the car the next day and he said he’d help get it home. I had my own car to drive and he was going to ride with our son to get the new car home. So I got dropped off yesterday morning at work and had the new car delivered there and got the oil changed. Then my ex text me that he had to work until eight so he wouldn’t be able to help me get the car home. I text him back “that’s okay, just meet me at 8:10 because my car is literally 2 minutes from your job and then drive the new car 9 miles to my place and I will drop you back off at your motorcycle” but he text back “I’m sorry I know I said I would help but now I’m already going to be late for something else” anytime he texts “something else” he means one of the ladies he’s currently pleasing to keep using so I just text back “don’t concern yourself. I will handle it” then I drove the new car 40 miles to where my car was parked and parked it a mile and a half past my car, jogged to my car and put on my workout clothes but had forgotten my sneakers so I had to wear my work shoes. I drove my car a mile past my son’s new car then jogged to his car in my Dr. Scholls work shoes (I stopped at the bank to use the atm while jogging). It was a beautiful sunset evening and the fresh air felt terrific. I was near his car when he text me to say play practice was over and I could pick him up anytime so I text I would be there soon but he needed to be ready to hoof it. I drove his car to the rehearsal and beeped the horn and he walked out. I hopped out of the car and called “you have your license on you?!” he said yes so I said “get in and drive your car for the first time” His smile made all of my sweat worth it and we high-fived as we passed in front of his car. He drove us to about a mile from where my car was parked and grinned the whole time. Then we got out and jogged to my car and drove it a mile past his car and jogged to his car. I said it was like we were on one of those televised challenge shows and we were racing and running around town but that we didn’t have any chance of a big cash prize. We were laughing and sweating and enjoying the beautiful evening. He drove his car and I asked if he was ready to drive it the last 2 miles home because it was getting close to time to pick up his brother and we didn’t have time to leapfrog the cars and he answered with “It’s illegal to drive alone since I don’t have my operators” and I said “yes, I know and I don’t want you to ever break the law with your car BUT we can put both of our phones on speaker and you can stay right behind me and I’ll be able to watch your every move and communicate but don’t pick up the phone just leave it in the console” I was surprised he let me persuade him so easily but he had run enough and we were both starving. So he drove his car alone the last little bit and neither one of us got pulled over. By the time we picked up his brother, got 3 spare car keys made and got fast food garbage to eat for dinner it was past my bedtime but well worth it. My son said it was definitely a night to remember and a good story to tell about the night he got his first car. I said that was true and as a bonus I got to run 6.8 miles to make up for being too busy to get my evening runs in for a week.

When my son was first born it felt like my heart was suddenly outside of my body unprotected and I had to guard it and keep it from being hurt in any way. Then a couple of years later his brother was born and they started to really run around and swing on playground equipment and climb and skate and swim and RIDE BIKES! I was a stay at home mom and got to be there to run around with them and to protect them and teach them to be safe and finally started to become a LITTLE less over-protective. When I became a single mom I had to trust them to take care of themselves and to turn off the oven when they were done cooking and to not burn the place down.They were teenagers and capable of cooking but more than once my oldest child has forgotten to turn off the oven. I still call at random times to ask “is the oven off?” I am finally starting to get used to not being there to protect my big boys.

I do listen to my instinct to give my boys their wings even though I resist it a little. Now my heart is out driving a used Dodge Neon. >