Overheard in a bar:

     ” There was a time, in about my mid-thirties when I thought ‘God damn when are these manic phases gonna just stop so that I can live a consistent grown up life?’  That shit is exhausting and disruptive. Now in my mid-forties there are still shorter manic-like times but more times when I am barely able to get up everyday and I have to force myself to participate in life. I put other people before me and that at least gives me some purpose and some motivation. I don’t like to disappoint people in my life so I do make that effort for everything to remain normal for them. Putting other people first really does help but sometimes the only thing keeping me going is the thought that a manic spike will eventually come my way. As I watch my waistline soften and my arms and face get that slightly plump look to them I long for the return of burning 1200 calories a day in the gym because that’s so much better then barely burning 1200 calories a week at the gym. When I’m depressed and getting pudgy I look in the mirror and I don’t see me. I see someone that looks similar to me. It looks like someone related to me but I don’t see me in my body and I don’t see me when I’m looking into my eyes. When I am in my manic phase I look in the mirror and it’s all me. I like what I see which is nice. As I get older I’m having shorter less intense manic phases like I was told would happen but when I’m having a depressed phase I can have manic spikes. It’s like I’ll have a trigger and feel like my normal excited self again. Not actually manic but happy and motivated. Really good sex can sometimes keep me on a high for 2 days and that’s the real me. That’s when I feel like I’m me.

    All of these ups and downs are hormonally influenced. If my hormones could just stay balanced I think I would stay balanced. But would I be in a low spot or a high spot? Could I luck out and stay on a nice even keel in a happy motivated place that has me doing the proper amount of exercise and proper amount of eating and drinking and sex? These manic spikes during my depression are new. Maybe they are a part of perimenopause like hot flashes and being sentimental. Sometimes a manic spikes lasts 2 hours. Sometimes a spike lasts 2 days and then I am back in my rut. I used to think I was so weak for not being able to just pull myself out of my funk but now I know I can just keep trying and doing what I can while I wait for my mojo to return. When I’m depressed my motivational playlist does the opposite of what is intended. Even though it contains the music that I really love and that I normally love to listen to when I run and when I’m driving all of a sudden I realize every single song on the playlist is pissing me off. The music is not making me feel motivated it’s making me mad. It is so stupid to feel this way.   

    So stupid and I tell myself this is all just chemicals and that my body is great and it really is a beautiful day and the songs really are amazing and I really am awesome and life is WONDERFUL…but I don’t feel it and I don’t believe myself. It’s times like this that I really wish I had a significant other and at the same time I am SO THANKFUL that I don’t have a significant other to deal with and no one that has to try to deal with my mess.

    It seems stupid but it also seems kind of magic because I’ll be depressed and depressed and depressed for days and everything seems to go slower and I cannot make myself get up in the morning to go workout so I just get up in time to go to work and then try to hit the gym after work but am easily persuaded to skip it. I do less but I am tired more. Soooo tired. I get to the point where I am pudgy and I don’t see myself in me anymore  and then I’ll just get to the place where I start spiraling in my mind. My thoughts get random and disconnected like when I am in an actual full fledged manic phase BUT they aren’t happy excited thoughts. I am spiraling DOWN in my mind. Then I start writing or posting or talking like stupid crazy stuff and somehow that spiraling down ends up sucking me back up. I get bottomed out and then the spiraling flings me out and up. Sometimes I try to hold on and ride out the spin like I am on a Tilt a Whirl with the safety bar broken off of my seat. You know how a tornado or vortex grabs things that are down and sends them flying out of control? That’s how this downward spiral is. It will eventually sling me back up again and then I’ll feel kind of dizzy and then I will start feeling like me again. Instead of sleeping all the way until I have to get up in the morning I’ll be waking up again at 4 a.m. with no alarm and jumping out of bed, putting my sneakers on and going for a 5 mile run on the elliptical in the morning and another 5 mile run in the evening and just be so jazzed on life.

     At least when I’m depressed and slightly pudgy I don’t have sharp shooting bunion pains because I haven’t been running as much and my knees will feel better, my back feels a little better and my hemorrhoids don’t bother me as much because I’m not punishing my body burning 1200 calories a day. Then again when I am burning 1200 calories a day and my bunion hurts and my knee is hurting and my back hurts I don’t really care as much because I feel amazing inside. I feel pumped. I feel excited and I feel like me because I’m a naturally excited naturally uptimistic, naturally energetic person who loves life.  So I feel like me even with the aches and pains. Of course in this stage in life with titanium screws in my spine and myriad physical limitations I never completely get rid of the aches and pains and self-medicating fluctuates with my phase. When I’m depressed do I want to drink and eat fattening foods? Yes I do! Alcohol and easy delicious foods comfort me and I don’t have to expend much energy to consume them. When I am excited and manic do I drink and eat delicious foods?  Yes I do because life is wonderful and everything tastes delicious. I spend a lot of time on food prep and healthy meals when I am feeling more motivated. Currently, I have been eating easier meals and haven’t been burning off those easy calories so right now I feel kind of like I am preparing for my winter hibernation. Being middle-aged and bipolar is not for pussies. I get my hot flashes and sentimental moments from my perimenopause and also have my downward spirals that turn into tornadoes that launch me into who knows what but life is always an adventure on the Bi-Polar Express.”

#bipolarexpress #olderpolar #overheardinabar #seemslikeeveryoneisbipolarthesedays