Notwithstanding the potential hurricane, it feels ABSOLUTELY luxurious to not have to go to a job for the next 2 days. I have had 2 days off since January and they were NOT in succession. I get 2 in a row !!(maybe more if things go south but I get 2 off for sure before the potential shit hits the potential fan) I got a few new books and I am excited to read them 😁
~KiDDṏ
I don’t want what I need,
I just need what I want.
Sometimes the line between
desire and require becomes blurred.
Sometimes my thoughts become slurred.
We all know the difference,
even as we fool ourselves.
There is just no excitement
in luxuriating in our necessities.
~ Kiddo 2012
~ Kiddo
I would love to have a respectful, intelligent conversation with myself at different stages in my life. Wouldn’t it be neat to sit in a discussion group with your six year old self, your thirteen year old self, your twenty one year old self, your twenty six, thirty five, forty four, fifty five, sixty six, seventy, eighty, ninety year old self?
There would be so many differences of opinion expressed and so many beliefs that contradicted each other. How can anyone feel like someone else’s beliefs and ideas are wrong when we don’t even agree with ourselves at different stages of our journey? How could we ever feel superior over anyone else because of how they decipher the clues and try to explain the intricacies of existence from their own current point of view.
How can anyone KNOW that they’re right and that everyone else that doesn’t agree with them is WRONG. If you ruled out the childish beliefs of your younger selves in the discussion group you would still have several full grown adult opinions of your own that differed. If you did rule out every theory and belief of the childhood yous in your discussion group what would YOU MISS OUT ON!?
Wouldn’t it be amazing to lay in a field with your younger selves making shapes out of clouds while discussing total randomness?
If you’ve read all of this I have one final thought: Go for a hike in the woods or walk through your neighborhood with your five year old self. Have yourselves an adventurous magical journey!
~ Kiddo
The Florida sunrise painted the water & trees
at around forty three degrees
as I drove from tiny little Ocean Breeze
to The Mansion at Tuckahoe and my heart it did please
…seriously, look at the beautiful lighting!
Look at the way the light plays on the ground and trees
When I was a child my ears stuck through my hair and so I was made fun of for looking like a Mon chi chi. I thought Mon chi chi were adorable so I had one….but I thought I was ugly. I began to wear a cloth headband wide enough to cover my ears. I wore a giant rubber band at night to keep my ears flat while I slept hoping they would just stay flat. I had my mom buy freckle eraser from Avon and prayed and really believed it would work. I still have freckles to this day. When I was 14 I was permitted to get a haircut that allowed my hair to be feathered over my ears. I look back at photos I hated my entire childhood and realize that I believed what people told me rather than believing what I saw with my own eyes. When I looked in the mirror I did not see this adorable face. It is so hard for me to believe that these are the same photos I have known my entire life. I recognize the pictures but they never looked cute to me before. I was always self conscious of my looks because I never saw the truth. I walked around FEELING GROTESQUE like I should be hiding somewhere. That feeling persisted for much of my adulthood. I look back at photos from the last 45 years and can’t find an ugly one in the pile. I was 35 years old before I actually felt like I wasn’t disgusting to look at. I will be 45 years old in 1 week and sometimes wish that I could go back and live a life feeling like I wasn’t horrible to look at BUT I compensated for my looks by being clever, funny, and athletic and who knows what kind of personality I would have if I had always thought I was as adorable as I see that little girl now.
This is my yoga space that I have been using at work as I began my slow journey back to some sort of fitness. I have just enough room, a window and a fire extinguisher just in case I get really overheated. This space is one of the advantages to working alone.
This week I have been feeling great emotionally and feeling better physically and I have hope that I will get back to feeling greatish physically.
I have only had my cervical correction/stabilization surgery and don’t know when or IF I will actually go through with lumbar correction/stabilization surgery so therefore I am literally practicing with a broken (in a couple of places) back. If I do opt to have the lumbar surgery it will be at least 10 months from now.
I am being pretty careful and modifying even though that has always been hard for me even with a solitary practice. It is easier to do NO BACK BENDS and NO INVERSIONS (other than forward folds and such) now that I have vivid pictures of my spinal Xrays and MRIs to remind me that ignoring what my body is telling me does NOT necessarily make me stronger. I am physically heavier and weaker than I have EVER been because I pushed myself physically in the wrong ways for decades. PLUS in the past year or so I have had to modify not only how I workout and do cardio but also how I sleep, get out of bed, sit on a toilet, use a chair, drive a car, ride a bike, walk, “run” and even BREATHE.
Pain has never been enough to make me really listen to my body even when the pain was significant. If I could keep moving I did….so eventually my body simply QUIT allowing me to ignore it. Proof that as I have always said: Your body is smarter than your brain 🙂 ….Okay I haven’t always said that but in this case it is true.
I HAVE always said that life is about the journey not the destination (I didn’t make it up but I do SAY it) and I know that journeys have setbacks and detours that make the journey more memorable and allow for more growth. Life is beautiful, so very beautiful, even with hard lessons and one day this life will be over so I plan to appreciate as much of it as I can while I am still here.
It has been such a day that when I got home I got high, showered, flipped on the tube to see this and it got my high ass all stoopid and I barely restrained myself from posting this
I don’t want to be forty four, I don’t want to be a hundred and sixty five pounds, I don’t want to work fifty hours a week just to barely make ends meet and I don’t want to have a very fucked up spine. I don’t want to. If I had a time machine I could go back and make different decisions that would not result in my current situation. I COULD make different decisions but you know what? I probably wouldn’t. I could have easily avoided becoming forty four, or becoming one hundred and sixty five pounds, I could have avoided every situation that led up to me just getting back into the workforce after 15 years. I could’ve chosen to sit on the sidelines in sports and life therefore not destroying my spine. I could have punked out. I made decisions every day that cultivated this. I tended the garden that produced this. I own this. I have lived every single one of my 16,252 days. I chose this.
I think that deep down we all know that the end is THE END. That we all return to the void that we were before we were conceived. We don’t experience the void because we are not conscious. We don’t exist before conception and we won’t exist again. Otherwise why would there be the survival instinct? We can all TRY to fool ourselves into believing that we believe in an afterlife but if we do then why do we fight to stay in this life or dread death? The pain and scariness of the actual act of DYING is understandable but the terror of being dead forever is ridiculous. We weren’t ALIVE for most of time and even the oldest person’s life is short compared to the the time that they are not alive. Deep down there is a certainty that we will soon be nonexistent again. Nonexistence is the easy part but it is not enjoyable. Even pain and uncertainty are an experience. Nonexistence is the absence of experience and I can see how that can be attractive to people struggling in this life but the beauty is in the struggle. The void may seem beautiful from this side and the thought of never ever struggling again is certainly attractive but the knowledge that it is not only unavoidable but also permanent is reason enough to put it off for as long as possible. If we TRULY believed there was a future to experience after death we would not have a survival instinct that kicks in when our consciousness is threatened. We would not gasp for breath or claw our way to the surface. We would simply relax into our exit or be excited for the adventure of the next phase of existence. We wouldn’t come up with elaborate bed time stories of paradise to comfort us about death. Enjoy life because just like anyone that has ever lived or will live it’s the only one you get. This life is precious and beautiful for no other reason than that it is PRECIOUS and BEAUTIFUL and it doesn’t have to mean a thing.
If I honestly believed that one day I would meet someone that I could honestly believe in then I would save myself. I wouldn’t be buzzing around like the only bee around to fertilize the entire field of wild flowers. I would let the wind pollinate the field so that when I finally met the flower that accepted me the way that I accept all of the plants in the meadow it would be more amazing than anything has ever been. I would spend this time preserving myself for the future that I had faith in.
If I thought it was possible to somehow interact from the very 1st meeting without any of my defense mechanisms automatically popping up it might make it easier to accept that I could be known and believed in and accepted forever. But I would have to be asleep or in a coma and I couldn’t even introduce myself.
Since I don’t believe that there is anyone out there that would cherish the comatose me I will continue to connect in the only way that I’m not concerned about rejection. Even if it doesn’t fill me with joy it distracts me from my loss of faith for a fairy tale happy ending.
I’ll just have to live with physical “happy endings” and hope that I don’t meet that unimaginably amazing person after I’m all used up and have a busted ass liver. The person that is too good to be true would love me anyway, no matter what and then I would feel just awful for ruining myself before they could know me. Welcome to Conundrum City. ~ Kiddo 9-15-2013
I’ve lost every passion I’ve ever had and I’d still fuck you better than fate.
Krazy Konversations with Kiddo: Last night someone asked me if I thought that people thought that I was crazy.
I clarified “Do I think that people think that I’M crazy?”
*Nod*
“Well if they don’t then they haven’t been paying attention.” I chuckled then continued “I’m good crazy though. Like fun and whacky and just love the beauty of the world around me so much that it makes me NUTS…but in a good way. I also may be considered crazy in other ways but I’m not bad crazy like Charles Manson or The Zodiac Killer. I’m passionate”
“It’s true you’re crazy in those ways but you’re just keeping the bad crazy under control. You’re good at everything you do and you definitely have the potential to be the baddest of the bad crazies ever. Passionate is a good word to describe you and it’s possible to be passionate in bad behaviour too. You’re the craziest person I know and I would not want to be on your bad side”
“Errr, thanks…I think. So I guess it’s a good thing that I choose not to let people get on my bad side. I know better than to let the “bad crazy” out to play.
“You have the most creative dark conversations though. You’re definitely a psychpath. You should write a book with a crazy antagonist and a crazy protagonist because you see things from both points of view. I would love to read it”
“Okay that’s another book to put on my list of books I should write. This one will be called Kiddo Krazy and it will be dedicated to you.”
“Okay our time is up. You’ll be taken back to the rec room now”
“Ha ha…you better watch it or that book might become nonfiction”
Reflections with Kiddo
#kiddokrazy #nofilter #bathroomfaucet #dontneedanappforthat
Since I was 14yrs old I’ve shaved my legs in the shower by putting my foot chest high on the tile wall. The past few years when I shave my legs while standing in the shower I’ve started to think that one day I won’t be able to do this anymore. To me that is the beginning of the end. Eventually I will only be able to shave my legs while sitting in a bubble bath. Damn good thing I love bubble baths.
Drinking cheap, HARSH vodka (straight) because rent was due and I’m the head of a single income household. $1,000 doesn’t grow on trees.
In a perfect world: Alternate Saturday’s would include getting stoned while listening to Fade Into You ~ Mazzy Star as many times as it took and then making love while listening to Wild Horses ~ The Sundays as many times as it took ~ Kiddo’s Perfect World
This was enough editing...not too professional but you get the point
I suddenly realized while I was applying my Merle Roberts• tonight that just maybe I been applying it wrong all along all alone. Perhaps I had been trying to tighten the wrong body part 
Sometimes we just need to allow ourselves the luxury of staying in bed at home all weekend. Sometimes I get stuck in the cycle of accepting people’s invitations just to prove to them and to myself that I’m okay. I don’t like pretending but usually the “fake it until you make it” approach actually works. I also have a sneaking suspicion that if I bench myself that Unis will see no reason to keep me in the game. I don’t want to stop getting invitations to dinners, game nights or drinks on the patio but I also want to stay home for one three day weekend without it being a game changer. Why can’t I do laundry, clean house, get caught up on Ellen and have deep conversations with my teens while not being entirely sober for a few days without feeling like I’m obligated to prove to Unis that I’m still worthy to recieve invitations for late night drinks or afternoon matinees. I don’t really desire to hang out with anyone this weekend but don’t want to risk being benched indefinitely. It could so easily get to the point of no return. I want to keep my options open. If I were in a long term relationship it would be different…at least then I would have someone to stay home with without being benched. Why should I have to show Unis that I truly appreciate each invite by accepting it…..I DO appreciate the invitations but just don’t feel like putting on my public happy face. I’m happy right now just being home with my boys and trying to get caught up on lesson plans and laundry while wearing any face I want. Mostly, I just want to slow down time to make this three day weekend stretch indefinitely 🙂
One of the biggest things I miss about being in a relationship is making love. I still get to have as much sex as the average Jo but it lacks the connection one gets with someone they’re in a relationship with. The sex is great and I wouldn’t want to live without it but it’s definitely lacking some intimacy. I also miss giving and receiving massages and making a special dinner for a special someone. BUT today I put fresh linens on my king size bed (is it king sized or king size? Does it matter? Is it meant to be hyphenated?) and now I am soaking in a hot bath and using Nivea’s in shower lotion to shave and moisturize. Sliding between clean sheets with ultra smooth skin tonight will be DELICIOUS! Not as delicious as making love and not quite as nice as really good sex but definitely a close third. Tonight it’s all I’ve got so I’m going to make the most of it.
seeking solace in the horizon of life and beyond
Updates on current Projects at the Siena Art Institute in Siena, Italy. For more info visit our website www.sienaart.org
Poetry and words
Doing What Makes My Soul Shine
writing is sorrow; having had written is sublime
in search of a better us
Fighting Depression, Anxiety, and Self-Harm
Subtitles: Kiddo's Korner, Spinach in Your Mamma's Smile, Mutterings of a Mad Woman, Don't Mention It, Never Argue with an Idiot , Lord Beer Me Strength, Random Thoughts, You Don't Have To Thank Me (It's What I Do) and UNNECESSARY CAPITALIZATION.
MY TAKE ON LIFE.
Mind • Body • Life
A collection of nonsensical words thrown together
adventures of sadie and momma
A "How to Thrive" Guide After Divorce
A Hopefully Formerly Depressed Human Vows To Practice Self-Approval
Not That Anyone Asked Me... 