I knew I was playing with fire🔥
knew for a fact that I was going to get burned
but dancing within the inferno was my desire
& t’was far more exquisite than the lesson learned
Do not doubt that I’ll do it again…
and again
I’m soliciting lustful combustible spirits kindled
by sin
I have an arsonist heart ❤️
~ Kiddo 2022
Like winter whiskey and summer sex,
I enjoy how just the scent of you makes me feel
Without even a taste my eyes glaze, my tummy tickles,
my mouth waters for that which tastes like coming home
Each of you give me the opportunity to train myself,
to harness my carnal urges and abstain from even thoughts
It’s not your fault anymore than Whiskey or Sex
Fire water, heated intercourse and your presence
my reaction to each of you blamed on my own thirst
Individually strong intoxicants that cloud my mind
the combination of the three of you would kill me
I would die with a smile of pleasure upon my face
finding myself home at last and finally totally free
Old me gone and new me awakened into the light
~ Kiddṏ
Tanha literally means “thirst,” and is commonly translated as craving or desire.
Pāli: Taṇhā, तण्हा
Sanskrit: tṛṣṇā, trishna तृष्णा
Pali: kama-tanha (sense-craving)
Also referred to as craving for “sensuality” or “sensual pleasures”
This is a craving for sense objects which provide pleasant feeling, or craving for sensory pleasures
Laying on my bed watching the delicious heavy rain’s got me thinking about how the 1st thing you do when you snuggle up against them is kiss the back of their neck
you just do
if there’s long wavy hair in the way you bury your face into the lightly scented depths until your lips meet their nape
then you apply one firm smooch to the base
then a very gentle light-as-a-breath one a little higher up
as you firmly but fleetingly press your pelvis forward into the ripeness of their warm cheeks
and you tighten then slightly release your arms
Unless you’re snuggling a friend
(Which means that you refrain from pressing your pelvis into their cheeks after the neck kisses of course)
then you just lay there snuggled up and experience the rain together
~KiDDṏ
So many delicious days & nights of perfect snuggle weather.
“And if you can’t be with the one you love honey
snug the one you’re with, snug the one you’re with,
snug the one you’re with, snug the one you’re with.”
I’m happy to have lived through more times wishing that they would never end
than times wishing that they would
~KiDDṏ
So often I hear: “Table for one?” Because that is all they sees.
So I smile politely as I say: “Yes please.”
But really for two:
Me and the ghost of who I used to beees.
I order fake alfredo and that fake cheese.
Mixed with mushrooms, onions and those sweet peas.
Only two legged animals injured in the making of this meal.
(but not the chimpanzees)
Who would’ve thought it would take so many years to heal?
(being single like a disease.)
Whether it comes out wrong or it comes out right;
I eat it all, don’t lick the plate, I finish every bite.
Pay the bill and tip well then we drive home for the night.
Snuggle my ghost beneath the covers as I close my eyes.
Struggle with no needs of another
that’s my big prize.
“Peace”
*drops the mic
~ Kiddo
Feelings that I do not intend to use
nothing to gain
but what is there to lose?
Delectable flutterings like a tasty crave
difficult to manage
trying to get my thoughts to behave.
Dazed, preoccupied and distracted,
scenes involuntarily imagined
unable to be redacted.
Slight control of my delicious dreams,
less than usual,
maybe that’s just the way that it seems.
Perhaps my effort is merely token,
a sham of an endeavor,
to cease dreaming of things emphatically left unspoken.
Can it even be done?
Please do not teach me.
That would be less fun.
Dallying with the consciously unthought
we drift through my nocturnal illusion
where deed and sentiment are less fraught.
Serendipitous pleasures I don’t want to miss
I won’t learn how to quit
Ignorance is such delicious bliss.
~KiDDṏ
I woke before 4a.m. and tried to sink back into sweet sweet sleep but I felt lonely and untouched so eventually I gave up. Feeling a tidal pull I went outside to commune with the brilliant waxing Beaver moon.
Luna felt my longing and let me know that she empathized easily with my situation because she too is old and alone and untouched by human flesh even though she waxes every month.
“Aha, so the conspiracy theorist are correct!” I thought but she replied “No, I have had visitors in the past but those space suits do not allow for physical intimacy.”
I felt that
I was feeling better about my own situations and thanked her as usual for her lunar inspirations and I lifted my face another moment to bathe in her light.
As I turned to prepare for my day I felt her say “Don’t worry my darling this is but a phase.”
I smiled at her phase turn of phrase. If anyone should know about that it is she.
~ Kiddo 11/11/2019
Notwithstanding the potential hurricane, it feels ABSOLUTELY luxurious to not have to go to a job for the next 2 days. I have had 2 days off since January and they were NOT in succession. I get 2 in a row !!(maybe more if things go south but I get 2 off for sure before the potential shit hits the potential fan) I got a few new books and I am excited to read them 😁
~KiDDṏ
I don’t want what I need,
I just need what I want.
Sometimes the line between
desire and require becomes blurred.
Sometimes my thoughts become slurred.
We all know the difference,
even as we fool ourselves.
There is just no excitement
in luxuriating in our necessities.
~ Kiddo 2012
~ Kiddo
I would love to have a respectful, intelligent conversation with myself at different stages in my life. Wouldn’t it be neat to sit in a discussion group with your six year old self, your thirteen year old self, your twenty one year old self, your twenty six, thirty five, forty four, fifty five, sixty six, seventy, eighty, ninety year old self?
There would be so many differences of opinion expressed and so many beliefs that contradicted each other. How can anyone feel like someone else’s beliefs and ideas are wrong when we don’t even agree with ourselves at different stages of our journey? How could we ever feel superior over anyone else because of how they decipher the clues and try to explain the intricacies of existence from their own current point of view.
How can anyone KNOW that they’re right and that everyone else that doesn’t agree with them is WRONG. If you ruled out the childish beliefs of your younger selves in the discussion group you would still have several full grown adult opinions of your own that differed. If you did rule out every theory and belief of the childhood yous in your discussion group what would YOU MISS OUT ON!?
Wouldn’t it be amazing to lay in a field with your younger selves making shapes out of clouds while discussing total randomness?
If you’ve read all of this I have one final thought: Go for a hike in the woods or walk through your neighborhood with your five year old self. Have yourselves an adventurous magical journey!
~ Kiddo
The Florida sunrise painted the water & trees
at around forty three degrees
as I drove from tiny little Ocean Breeze
to The Mansion at Tuckahoe and my heart it did please
…seriously, look at the beautiful lighting!
Look at the way the light plays on the ground and trees
When I was a child my ears stuck through my hair and so I was made fun of for looking like a Mon chi chi. I thought Mon chi chi were adorable so I had one….but I thought I was ugly. I began to wear a cloth headband wide enough to cover my ears. I wore a giant rubber band at night to keep my ears flat while I slept hoping they would just stay flat. I had my mom buy freckle eraser from Avon and prayed and really believed it would work. I still have freckles to this day. When I was 14 I was permitted to get a haircut that allowed my hair to be feathered over my ears. I look back at photos I hated my entire childhood and realize that I believed what people told me rather than believing what I saw with my own eyes. When I looked in the mirror I did not see this adorable face. It is so hard for me to believe that these are the same photos I have known my entire life. I recognize the pictures but they never looked cute to me before. I was always self conscious of my looks because I never saw the truth. I walked around FEELING GROTESQUE like I should be hiding somewhere. That feeling persisted for much of my adulthood. I look back at photos from the last 45 years and can’t find an ugly one in the pile. I was 35 years old before I actually felt like I wasn’t disgusting to look at. I will be 45 years old in 1 week and sometimes wish that I could go back and live a life feeling like I wasn’t horrible to look at BUT I compensated for my looks by being clever, funny, and athletic and who knows what kind of personality I would have if I had always thought I was as adorable as I see that little girl now.
This is my yoga space that I have been using at work as I began my slow journey back to some sort of fitness. I have just enough room, a window and a fire extinguisher just in case I get really overheated. This space is one of the advantages to working alone.
This week I have been feeling great emotionally and feeling better physically and I have hope that I will get back to feeling greatish physically.
I have only had my cervical correction/stabilization surgery and don’t know when or IF I will actually go through with lumbar correction/stabilization surgery so therefore I am literally practicing with a broken (in a couple of places) back. If I do opt to have the lumbar surgery it will be at least 10 months from now.
I am being pretty careful and modifying even though that has always been hard for me even with a solitary practice. It is easier to do NO BACK BENDS and NO INVERSIONS (other than forward folds and such) now that I have vivid pictures of my spinal Xrays and MRIs to remind me that ignoring what my body is telling me does NOT necessarily make me stronger. I am physically heavier and weaker than I have EVER been because I pushed myself physically in the wrong ways for decades. PLUS in the past year or so I have had to modify not only how I workout and do cardio but also how I sleep, get out of bed, sit on a toilet, use a chair, drive a car, ride a bike, walk, “run” and even BREATHE.
Pain has never been enough to make me really listen to my body even when the pain was significant. If I could keep moving I did….so eventually my body simply QUIT allowing me to ignore it. Proof that as I have always said: Your body is smarter than your brain 🙂 ….Okay I haven’t always said that but in this case it is true.
I HAVE always said that life is about the journey not the destination (I didn’t make it up but I do SAY it) and I know that journeys have setbacks and detours that make the journey more memorable and allow for more growth. Life is beautiful, so very beautiful, even with hard lessons and one day this life will be over so I plan to appreciate as much of it as I can while I am still here.
I don’t want to be forty four, I don’t want to be a hundred and sixty five pounds, I don’t want to work fifty hours a week just to barely make ends meet and I don’t want to have a very fucked up spine. I don’t want to. If I had a time machine I could go back and make different decisions that would not result in my current situation. I COULD make different decisions but you know what? I probably wouldn’t. I could have easily avoided becoming forty four, or becoming one hundred and sixty five pounds, I could have avoided every situation that led up to me just getting back into the workforce after 15 years. I could’ve chosen to sit on the sidelines in sports and life therefore not destroying my spine. I could have punked out. I made decisions every day that cultivated this. I tended the garden that produced this. I own this. I have lived every single one of my 16,252 days. I chose this.
I think that deep down we all know that the end is THE END. That we all return to the void that we were before we were conceived. We don’t experience the void because we are not conscious. We don’t exist before conception and we won’t exist again. Otherwise why would there be the survival instinct? We can all TRY to fool ourselves into believing that we believe in an afterlife but if we do then why do we fight to stay in this life or dread death? The pain and scariness of the actual act of DYING is understandable but the terror of being dead forever is ridiculous. We weren’t ALIVE for most of time and even the oldest person’s life is short compared to the the time that they are not alive. Deep down there is a certainty that we will soon be nonexistent again. Nonexistence is the easy part but it is not enjoyable. Even pain and uncertainty are an experience. Nonexistence is the absence of experience and I can see how that can be attractive to people struggling in this life but the beauty is in the struggle. The void may seem beautiful from this side and the thought of never ever struggling again is certainly attractive but the knowledge that it is not only unavoidable but also permanent is reason enough to put it off for as long as possible. If we TRULY believed there was a future to experience after death we would not have a survival instinct that kicks in when our consciousness is threatened. We would not gasp for breath or claw our way to the surface. We would simply relax into our exit or be excited for the adventure of the next phase of existence. We wouldn’t come up with elaborate bed time stories of paradise to comfort us about death. Enjoy life because just like anyone that has ever lived or will live it’s the only one you get. This life is precious and beautiful for no other reason than that it is PRECIOUS and BEAUTIFUL and it doesn’t have to mean a thing.
Since I was 14yrs old I’ve shaved my legs in the shower by putting my foot chest high on the tile wall. The past few years when I shave my legs while standing in the shower I’ve started to think that one day I won’t be able to do this anymore. To me that is the beginning of the end. Eventually I will only be able to shave my legs while sitting in a bubble bath. Damn good thing I love bubble baths.
Drinking cheap, HARSH vodka (straight) because rent was due and I’m the head of a single income household. $1,000 doesn’t grow on trees.
In a perfect world: Alternate Saturday’s would include getting stoned while listening to Fade Into You ~ Mazzy Star as many times as it took and then making love while listening to Wild Horses ~ The Sundays as many times as it took ~ Kiddo’s Perfect World
Sometimes we just need to allow ourselves the luxury of staying in bed at home all weekend. Sometimes I get stuck in the cycle of accepting people’s invitations just to prove to them and to myself that I’m okay. I don’t like pretending but usually the “fake it until you make it” approach actually works. I also have a sneaking suspicion that if I bench myself that Unis will see no reason to keep me in the game. I don’t want to stop getting invitations to dinners, game nights or drinks on the patio but I also want to stay home for one three day weekend without it being a game changer. Why can’t I do laundry, clean house, get caught up on Ellen and have deep conversations with my teens while not being entirely sober for a few days without feeling like I’m obligated to prove to Unis that I’m still worthy to recieve invitations for late night drinks or afternoon matinees. I don’t really desire to hang out with anyone this weekend but don’t want to risk being benched indefinitely. It could so easily get to the point of no return. I want to keep my options open. If I were in a long term relationship it would be different…at least then I would have someone to stay home with without being benched. Why should I have to show Unis that I truly appreciate each invite by accepting it…..I DO appreciate the invitations but just don’t feel like putting on my public happy face. I’m happy right now just being home with my boys and trying to get caught up on lesson plans and laundry while wearing any face I want. Mostly, I just want to slow down time to make this three day weekend stretch indefinitely 🙂
seeking solace in the horizon of life and beyond
Updates on current Projects at the Siena Art Institute in Siena, Italy. For more info visit our website www.sienaart.org
Poetry and words
Doing What Makes My Soul Shine
writing is sorrow; having had written is sublime
in search of a better us
Fighting Depression, Anxiety, and Self-Harm
Subtitles: Kiddo's Korner, Spinach in Your Mamma's Smile, Mutterings of a Mad Woman, Don't Mention It, Never Argue with an Idiot , Lord Beer Me Strength, Random Thoughts, You Don't Have To Thank Me (It's What I Do) and UNNECESSARY CAPITALIZATION.
MY TAKE ON LIFE.
Mind • Body • Life
A collection of nonsensical words thrown together
adventures of sadie and momma
A "How to Thrive" Guide After Divorce
A Hopefully Formerly Depressed Human Vows To Practice Self-Approval
Not That Anyone Asked Me... 