A part of it all – apart from it all.
Strolling along the border of land, sea and sky
with one bare foot on solid ground,
one foot in the water
and my head in the clouds
while watching
Shiny Happy People
holding hands
Shiny Happy People
laughing.
Or is it just an R.E.M. cycle?
It’s not you it’s me.
I’m only interested in those that literally say
“I’m not available”
&
“I could never be with a woman “
&
“I want someone with loads of money”
&
“My house is nicer so I’m going home”
So apparently
I AM
the picky one
~ Kiddṏ 2021
It may sound crazy, and I wouldn’t say this to just anyone but this intense post (minor) surgical pain is kinda the perfect pain.
Impossible to ignore making it very apparent that I have experienced something. There is an intense pain about the size of a fist in the lowest part of my stomach just above my pubic bone.
There are also some serious hot cramps radiating from that clenched fist upward to my navel and back to my asshole. A know-it-all cramp index finger pointing out the obvious (There’s your navel…there’s your asshole… navel…asshole etc.)
The worst menstrual cramps ever but not as intense as natural childbirth.
This experience is WIDE AWAKE but also drowsy and snuggly. The pain is sharp enough to keep me floating right on the edge of that beautiful sleep sea.
Floating mostly in the DELICIOUS drowsy layer of fog that floats just between the waves and the sky of consciousness.
In and out of reality is bliss.
I am so happy that I am not nauseous and that I am not bleeding much. Thankful that my body is fast at work casting it’s magical healing spell. I think Imma gonna make it. The intense pain is more preferable to me than nausea, vomiting, or heavy bleeding.
So far, I give this endometrial ablation a 5 out of 5 star rating…geez I guess I have been doing Google reviews too much 😛
Not that anyone asked me…
~Kiddṏ
It sucks to realize that the fun always positive personality that people love isn’t your personality
and it sucks when people see your seclusion as you being a selfish bitch
in reality you’re just doing the best you can to keep getting up and going to work everyday
sometimes everything else is too much
how can I even tell what my true personality is
when I am constantly being pulled between
one exhausting pole and the other exhausting pole?
I’m the little flag tied in the middle of the Tug O’ War rope
I really just want to stay in the middle but
sometimes I’m closer to Manic Light Laser Show
and sometimes I’m closer to Deep Dark Tar Pit
it seems as if I have absolutely zero control of it
what is the suicidal equivalent of mouth watering?
escape so close I can taste it
the many methods of release playing so vividly in my mind
like a delicious smorgasbord before a starving man
I feel like this time it is closer than it’s ever been
lately, I have even been avoiding situations that would easily facilitate the final act
but
you know the moment when you know something can’t be avoided?
like the certainty that puking is inevitable
when you wake up queasy with that pre-puke saliva
already pooling in the bottom of your mouth?
is it just a matter of time?
should it not be fought?
usually you feel better if you just go ahead and puke
you know when you have the urge to say something that you shouldn’t
it’s on the tip of your tongue
you just have to keep saying to yourself
“don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it”
until you get past it
but sometimes you blurt it out anyway?
that’s where I am at
for no reason at all
other than that’s where I am
it’s on the tip of my tongue
I can taste it
I can feel myself opening my mouth
to say it
but keep repeating in my head
“don’t do it don’t do it.”
I am waiting it out
until I feel happy to be alive and excited again
the happiness and excitement will return on their own
for the exact reason that I am struggling with the darkness now
and it ISN’T about red or blue or the flu
last month I was thrilled at every little breeze and cloud and raindrop
now I just can’t wait to get into bed
no reason
which is the worst!
there is no reasoning with no reason
but I always manage to wait it out
that’s what is expected of me
so that’s what I am trying to do
again
it feels like I am breathing through a dirty pillowcase
I don’t want to talk about it
people don’t want to hear it
so I lie when I manage to pick up the phone
they ask how I’m doing and I’m always “GREAT!”
faking it till I’m making it is easier on the phone
sounding okay from the depths is hard
impossible if someone is truly listening
probably because of the echoes
trying to sound cheerful or normal while trapped
under a dark evil anvil makes me sound irritated or impatient
so avoidance really is easier on everyone
left to my own devices and vices…
unsupervised & working it out on my own
behaving recklessly while hyper is quite different than reckless behavior when I am low
behaving erratically with a feeling of excitement and joy is exhilarating
behaving erratically with a sense of hopeless “fuck everything” feels angry
then sad
one is certainly more fun than the other but they are equally dangerous
jumping off of a cliff with a goofy grin on my face to prove that I can fly
versus
driving straight into a wall with clenched teeth to prove I don’t give a fuck
come to the same conclusion
the end
~Kiddṏ
In my head I’m always writing things to you that I will never
send and then also in my head explaining to you what I
wrote but didn’t send.
Like writing :
“Let’s just say that between the two of you
I would have more fun watching paint dry
with one than getting naked at the
beach and slippery in the surf and then eating insanely delicious
tacos at that Taco Spot on the beach then taking
A1A up the entire south east coast of the state through
all the little beach access towns and ocean avenues
with the other of you.”
Then explaining (also in my head):
“Yeah. I’d trade the day I had today for watching paint dry.
I really would, even though there was a blue storm
a few miles inland while I was naked in the water
with rumbling thunder and distant lightning. Plus, the tacos
were ridiculously delicious at the beach side restaurant.
Also, there are a LOT of magnificent trees, fountains
and ocean views along the scenic route we took back home.
The day was sofa king gorgeous. I wish you could have felt it.
Especially the cool sea breeze from the open windows
with the truck AC blasting on sun warmed skin.”
I’ll leave it up to you to decide who’s who.
So yeah, I’d rather spend time with you than to have sex
and I REALLY enjoy sex. In fact I think it’s one of the top three
reasons to be alive. The other two reasons are, of course,
eating and the one hundred percent innocent non carnal
pure joy I feel from seeing Luna in all of her fullness just
above the horizon or a big bunch of darkening cumulus
clouds or watching a thunderstorm churning the waters at
the inlet or experiencing a meteor streak across the sky so
close I feel like I can reach up and grab it.
I feel guilty for feeling so strongly even though it ISN’T a
bad thing. I can’t help how I feel but I can keep it to myself
by keeping these conversations with you in my head.
My feelings are not your problem.
Don’t even get me started on your dream visitations.
I’m pretty sure you are fully aware of what you are doing there.
~Kiddṏ
Like winter whiskey and summer sex,
I enjoy how just the scent of you makes me feel
Without even a taste my eyes glaze, my tummy tickles,
my mouth waters for that which tastes like coming home
Each of you give me the opportunity to train myself,
to harness my carnal urges and abstain from even thoughts
It’s not your fault anymore than Whiskey or Sex
Fire water, heated intercourse and your presence
my reaction to each of you blamed on my own thirst
Individually strong intoxicants that cloud my mind
the combination of the three of you would kill me
I would die with a smile of pleasure upon my face
finding myself home at last and finally totally free
Old me gone and new me awakened into the light
~ Kiddṏ
Tanha literally means “thirst,” and is commonly translated as craving or desire.
Pāli: Taṇhā, तण्हा
Sanskrit: tṛṣṇā, trishna तृष्णा
Pali: kama-tanha (sense-craving)
Also referred to as craving for “sensuality” or “sensual pleasures”
This is a craving for sense objects which provide pleasant feeling, or craving for sensory pleasures
You said I would be better off without you and then I cried all night
Seven years since you gave up on us and mostly I’m proving you right
Sometimes I wanna go back through our decades together
just to take back all of the times I told you that everything was going to be okay
I must’ve been the only one that believed it anyway
I want to take back the unconditional love I gave you and all of the support
I would’ve been better off keeping those things for myself since I ended up needing them
If I could go back and deserve for you to leave me then it would at least make sense
I’d take back all of the times that I said “I love you more every single day…
no matter what you do, no matter what you say.”
because then maybe it wouldn’t be true
And I wouldn’t have seven years of that love growing inside of me with no one to give it to.
~KiDDṏ
Actually if all that were possible I would just go back to 1996 and not marry you because I am NOT the type to have an ex husband. I’d prefer to be a spinster or a widow. Of course if wishes were horses then beggars would ride.
Laying on my bed watching the delicious heavy rain’s got me thinking about how the 1st thing you do when you snuggle up against them is kiss the back of their neck
you just do
if there’s long wavy hair in the way you bury your face into the lightly scented depths until your lips meet their nape
then you apply one firm smooch to the base
then a very gentle light-as-a-breath one a little higher up
as you firmly but fleetingly press your pelvis forward into the ripeness of their warm cheeks
and you tighten then slightly release your arms
Unless you’re snuggling a friend
(Which means that you refrain from pressing your pelvis into their cheeks after the neck kisses of course)
then you just lay there snuggled up and experience the rain together
~KiDDṏ
So many delicious days & nights of perfect snuggle weather.
“And if you can’t be with the one you love honey
snug the one you’re with, snug the one you’re with,
snug the one you’re with, snug the one you’re with.”
You know when you squirt the dish soap into the sink and seconds later you notice a PLETHORA of tiny magical bubbles floating all around you and you instantly feel like the hills are alive with the sound of music? (I guess to younger folks you’d feel like a Disney Princess). Well that happened to me this evening and nothing else that happened today matters. Excuse me while I sing with the woodland creatures that have inhabited my kitchen.
~KiDDṏ
Falling in love instantly at the impersonal touch.
Keeping my face matter of fact
Listening I nod as you move me this way & that
on the inside I am purring & arching my back.
Whether being checked for bunions at fifty or headlice at seven
the hands upon me feel as if they are giving rather than taking.
Like heaven.
Instantly and forever but just a little
In love
~Kiddo
When I am experiencing anxiety: My mind knows nothing is going to happen but can’t stop thinking “But what if it does?!”
When I am experiencing an unrequited crush: My mind knows nothing is going to happen but can’t stop thinking “But what if it does?!”
~KiDDṏ
Feelings that I do not intend to use
nothing to gain
but what is there to lose?
Delectable flutterings like a tasty crave
difficult to manage
trying to get my thoughts to behave.
Dazed, preoccupied and distracted,
scenes involuntarily imagined
unable to be redacted.
Slight control of my delicious dreams,
less than usual,
maybe that’s just the way that it seems.
Perhaps my effort is merely token,
a sham of an endeavor,
to cease dreaming of things emphatically left unspoken.
Can it even be done?
Please do not teach me.
That would be less fun.
Dallying with the consciously unthought
we drift through my nocturnal illusion
where deed and sentiment are less fraught.
Serendipitous pleasures I don’t want to miss
I won’t learn how to quit
Ignorance is such delicious bliss.
~KiDDṏ
I woke before 4a.m. and tried to sink back into sweet sweet sleep but I felt lonely and untouched so eventually I gave up. Feeling a tidal pull I went outside to commune with the brilliant waxing Beaver moon.
Luna felt my longing and let me know that she empathized easily with my situation because she too is old and alone and untouched by human flesh even though she waxes every month.
“Aha, so the conspiracy theorist are correct!” I thought but she replied “No, I have had visitors in the past but those space suits do not allow for physical intimacy.”
I felt that
I was feeling better about my own situations and thanked her as usual for her lunar inspirations and I lifted my face another moment to bathe in her light.
As I turned to prepare for my day I felt her say “Don’t worry my darling this is but a phase.”
I smiled at her phase turn of phrase. If anyone should know about that it is she.
~ Kiddo 11/11/2019
I don’t want what I need,
I just need what I want.
Sometimes the line between
desire and require becomes blurred.
Sometimes my thoughts become slurred.
We all know the difference,
even as we fool ourselves.
There is just no excitement
in luxuriating in our necessities.
~ Kiddo 2012
~ Kiddo
I would love to have a respectful, intelligent conversation with myself at different stages in my life. Wouldn’t it be neat to sit in a discussion group with your six year old self, your thirteen year old self, your twenty one year old self, your twenty six, thirty five, forty four, fifty five, sixty six, seventy, eighty, ninety year old self?
There would be so many differences of opinion expressed and so many beliefs that contradicted each other. How can anyone feel like someone else’s beliefs and ideas are wrong when we don’t even agree with ourselves at different stages of our journey? How could we ever feel superior over anyone else because of how they decipher the clues and try to explain the intricacies of existence from their own current point of view.
How can anyone KNOW that they’re right and that everyone else that doesn’t agree with them is WRONG. If you ruled out the childish beliefs of your younger selves in the discussion group you would still have several full grown adult opinions of your own that differed. If you did rule out every theory and belief of the childhood yous in your discussion group what would YOU MISS OUT ON!?
Wouldn’t it be amazing to lay in a field with your younger selves making shapes out of clouds while discussing total randomness?
If you’ve read all of this I have one final thought: Go for a hike in the woods or walk through your neighborhood with your five year old self. Have yourselves an adventurous magical journey!
~ Kiddo
The Florida sunrise painted the water & trees
at around forty three degrees
as I drove from tiny little Ocean Breeze
to The Mansion at Tuckahoe and my heart it did please
…seriously, look at the beautiful lighting!
Look at the way the light plays on the ground and trees
When I was a child my ears stuck through my hair and so I was made fun of for looking like a Mon chi chi. I thought Mon chi chi were adorable so I had one….but I thought I was ugly. I began to wear a cloth headband wide enough to cover my ears. I wore a giant rubber band at night to keep my ears flat while I slept hoping they would just stay flat. I had my mom buy freckle eraser from Avon and prayed and really believed it would work. I still have freckles to this day. When I was 14 I was permitted to get a haircut that allowed my hair to be feathered over my ears. I look back at photos I hated my entire childhood and realize that I believed what people told me rather than believing what I saw with my own eyes. When I looked in the mirror I did not see this adorable face. It is so hard for me to believe that these are the same photos I have known my entire life. I recognize the pictures but they never looked cute to me before. I was always self conscious of my looks because I never saw the truth. I walked around FEELING GROTESQUE like I should be hiding somewhere. That feeling persisted for much of my adulthood. I look back at photos from the last 45 years and can’t find an ugly one in the pile. I was 35 years old before I actually felt like I wasn’t disgusting to look at. I will be 45 years old in 1 week and sometimes wish that I could go back and live a life feeling like I wasn’t horrible to look at BUT I compensated for my looks by being clever, funny, and athletic and who knows what kind of personality I would have if I had always thought I was as adorable as I see that little girl now.
seeking solace in the horizon of life and beyond
Updates on current Projects at the Siena Art Institute in Siena, Italy. For more info visit our website www.sienaart.org
Poetry and words
Doing What Makes My Soul Shine
writing is sorrow; having had written is sublime
in search of a better us
Fighting Depression, Anxiety, and Self-Harm
Subtitles: Kiddo's Korner, Spinach in Your Mamma's Smile, Mutterings of a Mad Woman, Don't Mention It, Never Argue with an Idiot , Lord Beer Me Strength, Random Thoughts, You Don't Have To Thank Me (It's What I Do) and UNNECESSARY CAPITALIZATION.
MY TAKE ON LIFE.
Mind • Body • Life
A collection of nonsensical words thrown together
adventures of sadie and momma
A "How to Thrive" Guide After Divorce
A Hopefully Formerly Depressed Human Vows To Practice Self-Approval
Not That Anyone Asked Me... 