# rambling

Thirst

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Like winter whiskey and summer sex,

I enjoy how just the scent of you makes me feel 

 

Without even a taste my eyes glaze, my tummy tickles,

my mouth waters for that which tastes like coming home

 

Each of you give me the opportunity to train myself,

to harness my carnal urges and abstain from even thoughts

 

It’s not your fault anymore than Whiskey or Sex 

 

Fire water, heated intercourse and your presence

my reaction to each of you blamed on my own thirst

 

Individually strong intoxicants that cloud my mind

the combination of the three of you would kill me

 

I would die with a smile of pleasure upon my face 

finding myself home at last and finally totally free

 

Old me gone and new me awakened into the light 

                  ~ Kiddṏ

 

Tanha literally means “thirst,” and is commonly translated as craving or desire.

 Pāli: Taṇhā, तण्हा
Sanskrit: tṛṣṇā, trishna तृष्णा

Pali: kama-tanha (sense-craving)

Also referred to as craving for “sensuality” or “sensual pleasures”

This is a craving for sense objects which provide pleasant feeling, or craving for sensory pleasures

Lovely Luna

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I went to the river and I lay by his side

to feel how you tugged on each of our tides

Usually one thinks of oceans and seas

but you pull on all humours even those of creatures and trees

Our saps quicken and our breasts become full

so irresistible is your enchanting pull

The river ran quiet and deep down it was dark

though your reflection gave his ripples a spark

Your light became brighter as you climbed the sky

and I breathed you in then stood with a sigh

I stretched up my arms to bathe in your glow

and you lit my path as I turned to go

Back in my room alone in my bed

at peace while visions of you swam in my head

“I’ll see you in my dreams Lovely Luna” I spoke from my heart

and we drifted off together though ever apart  

Kiddo’s Vegan Rap

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So often I hear: “Table for one?” Because that is all they sees.

So I smile politely as I say: “Yes please.”

But really for two:
Me and the ghost of who I used to beees.

I order fake alfredo and that fake cheese.

Mixed with mushrooms, onions and those sweet peas.

Only two legged animals injured in the making of this meal.

(but not the chimpanzees)

Who would’ve thought it would take so many years to heal?

(being single like a disease.)

Whether it comes out wrong or it comes out right;

I eat it all, don’t lick the plate, I finish every bite.

Pay the bill and tip well then we drive home for the night.

Snuggle my ghost beneath the covers as I close my eyes.

Struggle with no needs of another
that’s my big prize.

“Peace”

*drops the mic

~ Kiddo

Extraordinarily Ordinary

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You know when you squirt the dish soap into the sink and seconds later you notice a PLETHORA of tiny magical bubbles floating all around you and you instantly feel like the hills are alive with the sound of music? (I guess to younger folks you’d feel like a Disney Princess). Well that happened to me this evening and nothing else that happened today matters. Excuse me while I sing with the woodland creatures that have inhabited my kitchen.

~KiDDṏ

 

The Impersonal Touch

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Falling in love instantly at the impersonal touch.

Keeping my face matter of fact

Listening I nod as you move me this way & that

on the inside I am purring & arching my back. 

Whether being checked for bunions at fifty or headlice at seven

the hands upon me feel as if they are giving rather than taking.

Like heaven.

Instantly and forever but just a little

In love

~Kiddo

Luna my Love

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I woke before 4a.m. and tried to sink back into sweet sweet sleep but I felt lonely and untouched so eventually I gave up. Feeling a tidal pull I went outside to commune with the brilliant waxing Beaver moon.

Luna felt my longing and let me know that she empathized easily with my situation because she too is old and alone and untouched by human flesh even though she waxes every month.

“Aha, so the conspiracy theorist are correct!” I thought but she replied “No, I have had visitors in the past but those space suits do not allow for physical intimacy.”

I felt that

I was feeling better about my own situations and thanked her as usual for her lunar inspirations and I lifted my face another moment to bathe in her light.

As I turned to prepare for my day I felt her say “Don’t worry my darling this is but a phase.”

I smiled at her phase turn of phrase. If anyone should know about that it is she.
~ Kiddo 11/11/2019

You can just see the dark edge – not quite full 🙂

Commodious

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Read on a bathroom stall…

I’m nobody’s anything
except perhaps second string
certainly no one’s first choice
going days without hearing a voice
or using mine
which is fine
It’s all just white noise
so I wrote this on the bathroom stall
and snapped it with my phone
sober
because I’m no longer drinking alone.

~ Kiddo

commodious

adjective
com·mo·di·ous | \ kə-ˈmō-dē-əs \
1:comfortably or conveniently spacious :

ROOMY
as in a commodious closet
2:archaic: HANDY, SERVICEABLE

Kiddo: Roomy, HANDY, serviceable 🙂

Kiddos Tip: When ‘commodious’ is used to describe a bathroom it could be confusing…do it anyway.

Discussion Group

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I would love to have a respectful, intelligent conversation with myself at different stages in my life. Wouldn’t it be neat to sit in a discussion group with your six year old self, your thirteen year old self, your twenty one year old self, your twenty six, thirty five, forty four, fifty five, sixty six, seventy, eighty, ninety year old self?

There would be so many differences of opinion expressed and so many beliefs that contradicted each other. How can anyone feel like someone else’s beliefs and ideas are wrong when we don’t even agree with ourselves at different stages of our journey? How could we ever feel superior over anyone else because of how they decipher the clues and try to explain the intricacies of existence from their own current point of view.

How can anyone KNOW that they’re right and that everyone else that doesn’t agree with them is WRONG. If you ruled out the childish beliefs of your younger selves in the discussion group you would still have several full grown adult opinions of your own that differed. If you did rule out every theory and belief of the childhood yous in your discussion group what would YOU MISS OUT ON!?

Wouldn’t it be amazing to lay in a field with your younger selves making shapes out of clouds while discussing total randomness?

If you’ve read all of this I have one final thought: Go for a hike in the woods or walk through your neighborhood with your five year old self. Have yourselves an adventurous magical journey!

~ Kiddo

2018 is a Wrap!

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It is a good thing that I am a fighter when need be. Most of the days in 2018 were some sort of struggle for me. Most of the time I have had at LEAST one of the following: financial struggle, mental struggle, physical struggle, emotional struggle, mental struggle (I know I already wrote that but almost every struggle is a mental struggle). I struggle with my weight,I struggle with keeping my vehicle on the road and struggle with my health as well as my determination and drive. Being in my mid-forties and single is a recipe for struggle. But I know that a lot more deserving people than I did not even live to see 2018. I’m just happy to say that I have made it through another year on my own and you know what they say: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Unless it’s Rickets…Rickets leaves a person weaker forever. So I am very thankful that in 2018 I did not get Rickets and I send positive energy to those that did. ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING! Happy New Year to everyone on the planet no matter your religion, your politics or your IQ.Thank Unis for alcohol! Cheers! Gesondheid! Gan Bei! Na zdravi! Proost! Santé! Prost! ΥΓΕΙΑ! Sláinte! Salute! 乾杯! (Kanpai!) 건배! į sveikatą! Noroc! Na zdrowie! Saúde! Будем здоровы/ На здоровье!Iechyd da!Sei gesund! Salud! Skål! (and don’t forget to look everyone in the eye)

Unis bless us…everyone!

Then and now

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When I was a child my ears stuck through my hair and so I was made fun of for looking like a Mon chi chi. I thought Mon chi chi were adorable so I had one….but I thought I was ugly. I began to wear a cloth headband wide enough to cover my ears. I wore a giant rubber band at night to keep my ears flat while I slept hoping they would just stay flat. I had my mom buy freckle eraser from Avon and prayed and really believed it would work. I still have freckles to this day. When I was 14 I was permitted to get a haircut that allowed my hair to be feathered over my ears. I look back at photos I hated my entire childhood and realize that I believed what people told me rather than believing what I saw with my own eyes. When I looked in the mirror I did not see this adorable face. It is so hard for me to believe that these are the same photos I have known my entire life. I recognize the pictures but they never looked cute to me before. I was always self conscious of my looks because I never saw the truth. I walked around FEELING GROTESQUE like I should be hiding somewhere. That feeling persisted for much of my adulthood. I look back at photos from the last 45 years and can’t find an ugly one in the pile. I was 35 years old before I actually felt like I wasn’t disgusting to look at. I will be 45 years old in 1 week and sometimes wish that I could go back and live a life feeling like I wasn’t horrible to look at BUT I compensated for my looks by being clever, funny, and athletic and who knows what kind of personality I would have if I had always thought I was as adorable as I see that little girl now.

Survival Instinct 

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I think that deep down we all know that the end is THE END. That we all return to the void that we were before we were conceived. We don’t experience the void because we are not conscious. We don’t exist before conception and we won’t exist again. Otherwise why would there be the survival instinct? We can all TRY to fool ourselves into believing that we believe in an afterlife but if we do then why do we fight to stay in this life or dread death? The pain and scariness of the actual act of DYING is understandable but the terror of being dead forever is ridiculous. We weren’t ALIVE for most of time and even the oldest person’s life is short compared to the the time that they are not alive. Deep down there is a certainty that we will soon be nonexistent again. Nonexistence is the easy part but it is not enjoyable. Even pain and uncertainty are an experience. Nonexistence is the absence of experience and I can see how that can be attractive to people struggling in this life but the beauty is in the struggle. The void may seem beautiful from this side and the thought of never ever struggling again is certainly attractive but the knowledge that it is not only unavoidable but also permanent is reason enough to put it off for as long as possible. If we TRULY believed there was a future to experience after death we would not have a survival instinct that kicks in when our consciousness is threatened. We would not gasp for breath or claw our way to the surface. We would simply relax into our exit or be excited for the adventure of the next phase of existence. We wouldn’t come up with elaborate bed time stories of paradise to comfort us about death. Enjoy life because just like anyone that has ever lived or will live it’s the only one you get. This life is precious and beautiful for no other reason than that it is PRECIOUS and BEAUTIFUL and it doesn’t have to mean a thing.

Drunken Overshare

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If I honestly believed that one day I would meet someone that I could honestly believe in then I would save myself. I wouldn’t be buzzing around like the only bee around to fertilize the entire field of wild flowers. I would let the wind pollinate the field so that when I finally met the flower that accepted me the way that I accept all of the plants in the meadow it would be more amazing than anything has ever been. I would spend this time preserving myself for the future that I had faith in.

If I thought it was possible to somehow interact from the very 1st meeting without any of my defense mechanisms automatically popping up it might make it easier to accept that I could be known and believed in and accepted forever. But I would have to be asleep or in a coma and I couldn’t even introduce myself.

Since I don’t believe that there is anyone out there that would cherish the comatose me I will continue to connect in the only way that I’m not concerned about rejection. Even if it doesn’t fill me with joy it distracts me from my loss of faith for a fairy tale happy ending.

I’ll just have to live with physical “happy endings” and hope that I don’t meet that unimaginably amazing person after I’m all used up and have a busted ass liver. The person that is too good to be true would love me anyway, no matter what and then I would feel just awful for ruining myself before they could know me. Welcome to Conundrum City. ~ Kiddo 9-15-2013

Illegitimi non carborundum

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Someone asked me at work last night or the night before if I ever get tired….and I answered     “I’m tired nearly every single day and I’m frequently on the edge of exhauation. I work 9 to 11 hour days and drive an hour to work and an hour back if traffic doesn’t stop on the interstate.. MOST of the time you see me I’m tirrrrred….now ask me how often I quit…I don’t. I get shit done.”  Illegitimi non carborundum

Lonely rain

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     I love the sound of the rain outside my window. It’s soothing music to sleep to even though tonight it makes my aloneness under the covers more real. There’s something about listening to the rain with someone that makes it sound different than when listening alone. It’s beautiful either way.

Philosophical Rant

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All I can say about today is “UGH” and  “I’M UP TO THE CHALLENGE!!” Sometimes ppl will accuse me of being a pessimist (usually when I point out something to do with my looks or position in life) and sometimes people’ll accuse me of being an optimist but in both cases I respond the same way: I’m a realist…I see the truth and I’m not afraid of it. Life is beautiful. Life is discouraging and ugly but NOTHING can take away from the fact that despite the beauty and the ugliness we can CHOOSE to enjoy it and wring every bit of pleasure from it….and in that way even the ugliest circumstance becomes immeasurably  gorgeous. …so beautiful that it brings tears to the eyes….I have THOUSANDS of photos of beautiful sunrises,sunsets, storms and rainbows. ..they’re all spectacular and worth living to see the next one. The greatest wonders in life are free and just accessible to the pauper as the prince…priceless in their originality just as much as in their promise to come again in a slightly different incarnation. Life is a series of cycles. Tiny little cycles too small to notice and enormous cycles so big we could NEVER comprehend them and no matter if time is linear or deviant  we can experience it only one moment at a time….each moment to be appreciated or ignored. If we fully experienced each moment we would be useless….so we are open to distraction and interpretation which actually preserves us but the truth remains and our lives are the results of our random as well as meaningful choices. We are all but pixels in the bigger picture. The smaller we make our universe the more significance we play in it and the grander we make existence the less influence we have on it. Some people say look at the bigger picture without realizing that the enormity of the actual BIGGER picture is that we have absolutely no influence on the cosmos as individuals….so I choose to live the not so big picture and actually make a postive difference in the lives of my loved ones and my community. If everyone chose to do so the world would be infinitely better and the universe and the multiverse as well…but science decrees that a positive can’t exist without a negative which is great because I love lightning and magnets and equal and opposite reactions and sometimes the best thing to accept is that I only have so much power and therefore a limited responsibility even though the potential is available if we ALLL worked together. The chance that all creatures will work together for the greater good is slim to none which basically means that the pressure is off. Enjoy your little slice of life. That’s the way the cookie crumbles, the ball bounces and let the chips fall as they may. It’s all good. Inhale love exhale love…not one breathe wasted 🙂

All about timing

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   Today my virtual relationship with the Dr. I have met online reached the critical “Set The 1st Actual Meeting” stage. I have never pursued a relationship like this but I am sure that in this day and age of online dating many of you are familiar with it. I had been looking forward to the invite for the face to face get together until I recently lost my job. If I had known that unemployment was imminent I would never have posted my 1st dating profile to begin with. I wonder if my feelings would be different if I were in the market for a man to date but I think not considering that I do not ever wish to appear to be a gold digger. I’m sure that there are plenty of single mothers out there looking for someone to support them and their children but I will do my best to never be mistaken for one of those. I’ll take care of my own life thank you very much.  I would like to find someone that can provide everything EXCEPT financial support for me because that’s just the way I am. For better or for worse, my responsibilities are my own.
This afternoon while I was online submitting applications to every single available nearby job I could find I recieved a message from the good doctor.  After a month of correspondence the doctor wanted to know when I could get together for lunch or for dinner. I responded with as much tact as I could because I realllly didn’t want her to think that I was just blowing her off but I had to let her know that currently I am an unemployed, single, middle-aged mother and couldn’t pay my own way during a lunch or dinner date and wasn’t inclined to allow a new acquaintance to foot my bill. Ughhhh, sometimes I’m too honest but I’d feel better about spending my life alone than ever for one minute decieving anyone even by omission. I’m currently a loser when it comes to dating if only in the sense that if I had a close friend that was involved in a virtual relationship tell me that the person they were interested in seeing face to face was an unemployed middle-aged single parent with an online dating account I would tell them to run. It’s only fair for me to give the good Dr. the same advice.  I told her that I was recently unemployed without notice or severance pay because the owner of the company had a friend that needed a job and that I couldn’t pursue a “dating relationship” until my situation was straightened out. I have yet to receive a response. Damn the timing but it is what it is.