Overheard in a bar

Overheard in a bar:

     ” There was a time, in about my mid-thirties when I thought ‘God damn when are these manic phases gonna just stop so that I can live a consistent grown up life?’  That shit is exhausting and disruptive. Now in my mid-forties there are still shorter manic-like times but more times when I am barely able to get up everyday and I have to force myself to participate in life. I put other people before me and that at least gives me some purpose and some motivation. I don’t like to disappoint people in my life so I do make that effort for everything to remain normal for them. Putting other people first really does help but sometimes the only thing keeping me going is the thought that a manic spike will eventually come my way. As I watch my waistline soften and my arms and face get that slightly plump look to them I long for the return of burning 1200 calories a day in the gym because that’s so much better then barely burning 1200 calories a week at the gym. When I’m depressed and getting pudgy I look in the mirror and I don’t see me. I see someone that looks similar to me. It looks like someone related to me but I don’t see me in my body and I don’t see me when I’m looking into my eyes. When I am in my manic phase I look in the mirror and it’s all me. I like what I see which is nice. As I get older I’m having shorter less intense manic phases like I was told would happen but when I’m having a depressed phase I can have manic spikes. It’s like I’ll have a trigger and feel like my normal excited self again. Not actually manic but happy and motivated. Really good sex can sometimes keep me on a high for 2 days and that’s the real me. That’s when I feel like I’m me.

    All of these ups and downs are hormonally influenced. If my hormones could just stay balanced I think I would stay balanced. But would I be in a low spot or a high spot? Could I luck out and stay on a nice even keel in a happy motivated place that has me doing the proper amount of exercise and proper amount of eating and drinking and sex? These manic spikes during my depression are new. Maybe they are a part of perimenopause like hot flashes and being sentimental. Sometimes a manic spikes lasts 2 hours. Sometimes a spike lasts 2 days and then I am back in my rut. I used to think I was so weak for not being able to just pull myself out of my funk but now I know I can just keep trying and doing what I can while I wait for my mojo to return. When I’m depressed my motivational playlist does the opposite of what is intended. Even though it contains the music that I really love and that I normally love to listen to when I run and when I’m driving all of a sudden I realize every single song on the playlist is pissing me off. The music is not making me feel motivated it’s making me mad. It is so stupid to feel this way.   

    So stupid and I tell myself this is all just chemicals and that my body is great and it really is a beautiful day and the songs really are amazing and I really am awesome and life is WONDERFUL…but I don’t feel it and I don’t believe myself. It’s times like this that I really wish I had a significant other and at the same time I am SO THANKFUL that I don’t have a significant other to deal with and no one that has to try to deal with my mess.

    It seems stupid but it also seems kind of magic because I’ll be depressed and depressed and depressed for days and everything seems to go slower and I cannot make myself get up in the morning to go workout so I just get up in time to go to work and then try to hit the gym after work but am easily persuaded to skip it. I do less but I am tired more. Soooo tired. I get to the point where I am pudgy and I don’t see myself in me anymore  and then I’ll just get to the place where I start spiraling in my mind. My thoughts get random and disconnected like when I am in an actual full fledged manic phase BUT they aren’t happy excited thoughts. I am spiraling DOWN in my mind. Then I start writing or posting or talking like stupid crazy stuff and somehow that spiraling down ends up sucking me back up. I get bottomed out and then the spiraling flings me out and up. Sometimes I try to hold on and ride out the spin like I am on a Tilt a Whirl with the safety bar broken off of my seat. You know how a tornado or vortex grabs things that are down and sends them flying out of control? That’s how this downward spiral is. It will eventually sling me back up again and then I’ll feel kind of dizzy and then I will start feeling like me again. Instead of sleeping all the way until I have to get up in the morning I’ll be waking up again at 4 a.m. with no alarm and jumping out of bed, putting my sneakers on and going for a 5 mile run on the elliptical in the morning and another 5 mile run in the evening and just be so jazzed on life.

     At least when I’m depressed and slightly pudgy I don’t have sharp shooting bunion pains because I haven’t been running as much and my knees will feel better, my back feels a little better and my hemorrhoids don’t bother me as much because I’m not punishing my body burning 1200 calories a day. Then again when I am burning 1200 calories a day and my bunion hurts and my knee is hurting and my back hurts I don’t really care as much because I feel amazing inside. I feel pumped. I feel excited and I feel like me because I’m a naturally excited naturally uptimistic, naturally energetic person who loves life.  So I feel like me even with the aches and pains. Of course in this stage in life with titanium screws in my spine and myriad physical limitations I never completely get rid of the aches and pains and self-medicating fluctuates with my phase. When I’m depressed do I want to drink and eat fattening foods? Yes I do! Alcohol and easy delicious foods comfort me and I don’t have to expend much energy to consume them. When I am excited and manic do I drink and eat delicious foods?  Yes I do because life is wonderful and everything tastes delicious. I spend a lot of time on food prep and healthy meals when I am feeling more motivated. Currently, I have been eating easier meals and haven’t been burning off those easy calories so right now I feel kind of like I am preparing for my winter hibernation. Being middle-aged and bipolar is not for pussies. I get my hot flashes and sentimental moments from my perimenopause and also have my downward spirals that turn into tornadoes that launch me into who knows what but life is always an adventure on the Bi-Polar Express.”

#bipolarexpress #olderpolar #overheardinabar #seemslikeeveryoneisbipolarthesedays

I DON’T like feeling RANTY

I have been feeling ranty lately. I swear if you talk to me for more than 10mins on any subject I am going to go off on a related rant. Possibly even an unrelated one. I DON”T LIKE THAT. I don’t want to be a ranter. I like being the joker, the problem solver, the nurturer, the encourager. I am the one that points out the POSITIVE!! I am about to go off on a rant about what’s wrong with ME!  no, I will spare you. I have just been feeling frustrated and tired from trying to figure everything out on my own for lo, these many years and my list of things that need replacing in my household or on my car keeps getting longer. I even need a few things fixed on my body!! I guess ranting is more acceptable than weeping these days. I’m a natural frustrated weeper but that is more annoying to others than ranting. I am trying to catch myself pre-rant. Do yourself a favor and just don’t get me started.

Good talk ~Kiddo

The Sun is Shining Weather is Sweet

FINALLY, after days and days and DAYS of nearly constant rain, the sun is shining! Don’t get me wrong I dearly love rain and thunderstorms, clouds and dimly lit days but I was definitely missing the sunshine. I have had to commute through flooded roadways, potholed streets and downpours with maniac drivers. Some people drive like it isn’t raining at all and some people drive like they have NEVER seen water fall from the sky. It is not a safe mix for interstate travel.

Last week during a deluge I watched from an intersection of two major roadways as a northbound vehicle drove through the flooded street and then over the median that was underwater and into southbound lanes.  Fortunately, the southbound traffic lights were red so there wasn’t a collision. The driver stopped momentarily and I assumed they were going to turn so that they were headed south too. Not the case. The driver proceeded to drive northward as the traffic got the green light and headed toward them. It was crazy. I couldn’t believe my eyes as vehicles started to stream around the car as if it were a stone in a river. Moments later I had to pull off of the road and wait the flood out. My car was stalling and other vehicles that were larger than mine were creating wakes that had the water up to my doors.

I have been informed by the weather forecasters that this morning’s sunshine will not last and that my Memorial Day weekend plans will be soggy as the rain comes back for another week of Florida fun but I dearly hope that they are wrong. I don’t want to travel with the holiday travelers through more of that mess. I have my fingers crossed and my vibes set to ‘Sunshine” so I’m doing all that I can do to ensure that my trip to Saint Augustine will have dry weather.

I haven’t had a chance to stop by the beach on the way to work for the last couple of weeks but decided to celebrate this morning by stopping by for a few minutes to breath in the salty air and experience the freshly washed shoreline. There were many people out despite the early hour and everyone was friendly and smiling. There was a festive feel to the scene and I lingered as long as I could before heading to work. Life is good in sunshine AND in rain but for this morning I am soaking in the sun.

Make your hay people. The sun is shining

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I waited 30 years for this moon

This morning I watched what I could see of the eclipsing blue super moon from the east coast of Florida. I had been waiting about 30 years for the three lunar phenomena to coincide. In August of 1980 I had become very interested in astronomy due in large part to a partial lunar eclipse that I had heard was coming up. I was intrigued by eclipses at 7 years of age and wanted an explanation as to why it was to be a partial eclipse and wanted to know if penumbral was just a fancy way of saying “partial”. I lived in a small town and my elementary school had a very decent library with librarians that would help me find out whatever I could but it wasn’t always easy. We didn’t have the most up to date encyclopedias and the astronomy selection in the science section was stocked mostly with glossy picture books about the planets. When I was 11 years old the school let us all go out and “view” the solar eclipse that occurred near the end of the 1983- 84 school year. Of course we made the standard shadow boxes and were taught to never ever look at the sun but I could NOT resist taking peaks as the sun was nearly covered by the shadow of Earth. The world around me took on a weird dimness and I felt the magic of the eclipse and understood why ancient cultures felt that eclipses were so significant. I felt a little privileged to be living in a time in which we knew the cause and the exact timing of the sun going dim but I also felt a little deprived to be living in a world without the belief that the happenings in our sky held signs and omens that shaped human events and rituals.

We had 14 eclipses in the 1980s that kept me interested in the sun and moon and their relationship with Earth. During that time I had begun studying the stars and could point out most of the well known constellations and planets to anyone that would listen to me. In central Florida where I grew up I was far away from big city lights and could clearly see the milky way like diamonds poured out across the dark velvet sky. I think at first people were slightly amused at my enthusiasm and stories about the night sky but after a few years they started to call ME when they had a question. I would get questions about something very bright or very twinkly or streaking overhead and I usually had the answers (Venus, Sirius, the Orionids meteor shower). I had learned all of my information thus far in the age before the “information super highway” or Google and had done so by visiting libraries and reading outdated books at my school. I was never too sure of my pronunciation of astronomical names and phrases because I mostly just read about them and didn’t have anyone teaching me how to say them.

There was another HUGE sky event in 80’s that had people talking and excited. Halley’s Comet came through in 1986 which was the year I turned 13 and boy did it get a lot of build up! I was pretty excited about it and couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be here for the famous comets return. I studied where and when to look and read all about Samuel Langhorne Clemens and his desire to go out with the 1910 passing of the comet because he had been born during it’s appearance in 1835. I had been spouting facts about an ancient Greek comet that had all of the characteristics of Halley’s so it MUST have been the same comet. I was so full of information that I was glad when someone would ask me about it. Apparently a lot of people including adults had the idea that it would be SUPER BRIGHT or that it would streak by like a “shooting star” and I was happy to correct this misinformation. Turns out many people were disappointed that year including myself. One of my uncles said to me “I went outside last night and didn’t see anything flying over but an airplane.” Some nights during Halley’s visit my dad would take us out into a field and let us use his gigantic binoculars to look for the comet on clear dark nights. We were able to see it but it was HARD. The binoculars were powerful and heavy which made it hard to keep them steady enough for a clear view. I tried to slow my breath and the beat of my heart. With patience I was able to get a pretty good look at the smudge of a comet in the night sky and after several nights I was able to make out that distant smudge with my naked eye! I was initially disappointed with my view of the comet and others would make comments about wasting their time or exclaim “THAT is all it is?!” when I pointed it out for them. I was able to regain my own enthusiasm for the event my giving friends and family some facts about what we were looking up at. I would say “yeah, but it is on the opposite side of the sun from us” and when they were still mumbling unimpressed I would say “Hey, it’s 39 MILLION miles away and you can SEE IT!” then someone might say “I can’t actually see it though” and I would say “focus right beside it because sometimes it easier to see when you don’t look right at it” which didn’t go over very well. One time I was trying to impress whoever was out in the dark field with me by saying “there are TWO meteor showers associated with Halley’s Comet!” and I got a couple of “cools” and an “awesome, are they happening tonight!?” I wished I could say yes but replied “uhhhhh no… but if you stay out here for awhile looking up you will see a random shooting star just like every other night.” which was followed by a long pause while we all looked up then “Ohhhhh kaaaay” This was a tough crowd. Some people seemed to be disappointed in ME because I had built the comet up over several months and they felt as if I had tricked them.

Over the years I saw people get all excited about upcoming events only to be let down at the reality so I stopped building things up for people and stopped volunteering information about things that I was interested in. If someone asked me a question I was all to happy to give them all of the information they wanted but I mostly stopped inviting people out to look at meteor showers and planets with me. I did have a few younger cousins and a couple of older cousins that would occasionally watch the night sky with me but it seemed to me that there wasn’t much room for it in the adult world. One thing that everyone still seemed to get excited about though was THE ECLIPSE. I started to think of the eclipse as the easy way to get people into my world of astronomy.

Not long after the passing of Halley’s comet I received a decent Meade telescope for Christmas. Having a telescope was amazing for me and I used it throughout the year spending many hours alone beneath the dome of the sky. My dad spent more time with me and my ‘scope than anyone else did and I will never forget the time we spent taking turns at the eye piece looking at the moon and the planets. I remember the very first thing I looked at through my telescope. My dad was with me and I was trying to follow the directions for using the new tripod to position my new telescope to view Sirius close to the horizon. It was super bright and super twinkly and very colorful. I didn’t want to spend too much time reading the manual so I grabbed the largest lens (which turns out to be the lowest magnification) and popped it into the 90 degree diagonal prism and aimed the end of my ‘scope at the big bright twinkly star figuring that it would be about the easiest thing to find. Almost right away I spotted the BIG bright scintillating light and got super excited. I was bouncing up and down on the inside but being very careful and deliberate on the outside. The image I was seeing was big and fuzzy so I started to dial the focus in….the image got BIGGER but I realized that it was also getting fuzzier so I dialed the knob the other direction. As the image sharpened it got smaller and smaller but still seemed to be twinkling even though it wasn’t as colorful. I was amazed at how alive the star appeared through the lens. I started to feel like an astronomer making a discovery because it seemed like small objects were darting in and out and around the star. I couldn’t believe what I WAS SEEING! I actually gasped aloud. I couldn’t believe it until I realized exactly what I was looking at. The end of my scope had dropped slightly and rather than being aimed at the “dog star” it was aimed and now perfectly focused on a street light about half a mile away that had moths and beetles darting around it and banging into the light. It was a really great close up of the light. I remember the feeling of being dumbfounded and nonplussed and then laughing so hard at the realization that I was looking at something on planet Earth. I let my dad have a look and we both just laughed and laughed. He told me to let that be a lesson to me. I took that to mean that perspective and focus are important and that our ideas can be changed by focus or the lack thereof without even knowing what we’re really looking at.

Me having this telescope sort of got people’s attention again. In the summer of 1989 I was 16 years old and we had a total lunar eclipse. It was a spectacular event because it went on for HOURS and it occurred a few days after the peak of the Perseid meteor shower so we saw several “shooting stars” as well. It was a warm night, we were still out of school for the summer so I had friends and family come over to look through my telescope. People always asked to come look through it whenever there was a meteor shower even though I explained that meteor showers couldn’t be viewed through a telescope. So while we were all out in the field I would let people take turns looking through my telescope. They oohed and ahhed as I aimed and focused on Saturn and it rings, or Jupiter and it’s moons or our own moon and it’s many mare and craters. I had my crowd back. I will never forget that night as long as I live. I was having conversations about eclipses and meteor showers and the comets that caused them and people were actually listening and amazed and excited like I was. I remember specifically telling people that this was one of the best eclipses so far and that I regretted that I wasn’t aware of the one in 1982 that had been an eclipse at PERIGEE that was the second full moon of the month which made it a blue moon. I told them how very rare it was and how there wouldn’t be another blue perigee lunar eclipse until I was FORTY FOUR YEARS OLD!! I couldn’t imagine how the world would be in thirty years. I had no idea where I would be but I knew that I would be watching that eclipse! I had no idea that the term “supermoon” would replace “full moon at perigee” or how I would fight that change at first before grudgingly accepting it and then coming to sorta kinda like it….even though I can’t stop myself from telling people that I had been a moon freak or “lunatic” before it was cool and that the terms supermoon and micromoon were very recent creations even though the moon has been doing those particular tricks forever.

This morning less than a month before my 45th birthday I stood alone on the balcony of a very old mansion along the Indian River as I watched the moon that I had told my crowd about 30 years ago. It was a beautiful rare blue super eclipsing moon. It was worth the wait even though from my vantage point it was setting before it reached totality. I was NOT disappointed. In fact it was better than I had come to
expect it to be for me. I thought clouds would probably block it. In recent years I have lowered my expectations which means simply that I am less disappointed with celestial events as well as terrestrial ones. Everything is amazing and wonderful. Just the fact that a round glob of goop in my face has a lens that allows light in to a bigger glob of goop in my skull which translates into images so that I can see what is happening around me even light years away is mind numbing. More mind numbing even than a street light surrounded by bugs on a cold night in Florida.

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scene behind me

When I write in my Random Thoughts journal…

   When I write in my Random Thoughts journal I write it like I am writing to someone else. Sometimes I write as if I am writing to Unis (the Universe) or another human being. Whether I am describing something that happened or my feelings or giving my opinion I write as if I am telling them a story or trying to help them understand their feelings or reactions or giving them my take on profound ideas like the point of life or the depths of the universe or multiverse. Sometimes I am just talking to Journal but often I am writing as if I were writing to someone I know. I write to someone that I feel safe telling almost anything. I have a couple of people that I share with in real life but it wouldn’t be fair to them to share my every crazy or profound thought so I just write as if I am writing to them. Sometimes I end up sharing excerpts from my writing with the real people in my life that I feel comfortable sharing my true self with.

   Hours or days or years later when I go back and read entries that I have written I read them as if someone else wrote them specifically to me. It’s like I have my own personal best friend, pen pal, psychiatrist, comedian and a god that I have access to all of the time. When I read what I wrote earlier it’s like someone I know and trust is sharing with me. Sometimes I write something that I end up reading over and over again. Even when I am not in a situation in which writing is convenient I just write in my head. I have an internal running conversation that sometimes makes me laugh or cry for apparently no reason at all. It’s nice to have someone there to talk to and someone to listen to whether it’s Unis or just myself