I can tell someone that they will end up regretting their decision. I can tell them that one day soon they are going to realize the magnitude of what they’re doing. I can tell them they will one day fully comprehend the pricelessness of the beautiful thing they are trampling on and abandoning. I can tell someone that I know them and know that they will be devastated if they leave. I can tell someone that if they leave they better know for a fact that it will be permanent. I can tell someone that they are wrong when they tell me that they believe that they are making the best decision for everyone. I can point out that I supported them through good times and really really bad times and that they may never find anyone else that would do practically anything for them. Sometimes knowing that you are right is the worst thing that can ever happen to you.

    It just doesn’t feel good being proven right when someone comes back begging and sobbing. When someone tells me that I was so right and that the last 8 months have been a horrible mistake and they plead for me to pretend that it never happened it rips my heart out. When they fall apart sobbing that they never stopped loving me and that they know that they can never live without me it is beyond horrible. Telling someone that I can’t ever take them back hurts almost as bad as when they walked out on me. It doesn’t feel great to tell someone that when I was begging and sobbing and more hurt than I ever thought it was possible to be and I kept saying to them that I couldn’t live without them that they left anyway. It’s heartbreaking to tearfully remind someone that you told them if they left it would be irreversible. It doesn’t make me feel vindicated or like I’ve won anything. It makes me feel a lot of sadness and crappiness but it also makes me feel something of magnitude.

    I’m not exactly sure how to describe all of the feelings that I felt but I can say that I am glad that at least I honoured my vows. I not only honoured my wedding vows but also the vow that I made to myself to stand by my word. I was struggling daily after being left by someone that was a part of me for 20 years and I was afraid that if given the choice I might buckle and take him back. I didn’t actually want that tragic scene anymore than I wanted to be left in the first place but’s it’s nice to not have to wonder what I would do. I wavered a little on the inside but stayed strong on the outside as I explained to the broken man before me that we would never be able to go back. One can’t wave a magic wand and make the betrayal of being abandoned go away. I know that I would be resentful if I let him just waltz back into his old life as if nothing happened and I could never trust his promises of forever. I can never fully give my heart and trust in forever again. My love is unconditional which actually makes the pain everlasting too and I am not brave enough or strong enough to risk getting into a situation similar to the one that seriously almost put an end to me. I am changed for the rest of my life and I truly wish there were a magic wand or a time machine but there isn’t.  

   It has now been 18 months since my world fell apart and I have survived with the support of some pretty terrific friends and some beyond amazing sons. I have survived working myself to exhaustion and crying with my broken heart as I drove to my new third shift job. I survived working nights so that I could continue to teach my morning and evening yoga classes. I survived giving up teaching yoga and even survived losing my own practice to work long hours 6 days a week when I found a better paying job with daytime hours. I survived the days that my heart hurt so much that I felt like I was suffocating and my insides felt like they were literally being ripped apart. The pain isn’t all-consuming anymore and it didn’t kill me. I survived.

    It’s nice to see that I am actually doing what I said I would do no matter what and that I’m capable of doing so many things that seemed impossible. I can live as a working single mom even though the financial struggle is a daily one and still stay true to myself. Not bragging not looking for cheerleaders or high fives or even likes or shares. Just reporting bits from the tragomedy. Life is beautiful and life goes on. I is kind. I is smart. I is important